153 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
153 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
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______ ______ ______________
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\ / \ / ____ \ ______|
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| |________| | / \ | |____
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| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
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/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
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| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
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| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
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| | ...Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "Children of the Tube" | |
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| | By: Neko & | |
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| | An Anonymous Wigger | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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-[ Prelude ]-
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I wrote this story about a year ago in my school's wonderful computer
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class. The wonderful computers were Apple ][e's. So, in between trying my
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hardest to piss the teacher off with my computer knowledge (superior to his),
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I had to write a story so I could learn how to use a W0RD PR0SEZZ0R. Well,
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everyone wanted to "partner" with me because I knew how to use computers.
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Finally, a wigger ended up with me and thats why the characters in this story
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are rappers. For the most part, the characters were his ("Yo! You just
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gotzta put Doctah Dre in there!"), but the story was all mine. By the way,
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the computer teacher did not want us to print this story out because he
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feared he would get in trouble if any of the administration found out.
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Enjoy.
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-[ The Story ]-
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One fine day in the middle of the night, Michael Jackson went to Xuxa's
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house to molest little boys. When he got there, he found out that Barney had
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come to join him, and Lambchop was not far behind. After the "incident", Xuxa
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would claim she has no idea what was going on.
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Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg found out about this mysterious plot and go
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in their '64 and got their butts in gear to Xuxa's mansion. Barney could
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sense that they were coming and sent some Snoop Doggy Dogg fans out to
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distract them. Well, they got Snoop mad at them and Snoop pulled out his
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AK-47 (standard Long Beach issue) and blew them away. Free of this
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distraction, Dre and Snoop continued to Xuxa's mansion, only stopping along
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the way to pick up Bill Bellamy, Ice Cube, 2Pac and Ice T.
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They were rolling in their '64 when Eazy E and his ganstas thought they
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were all that when Dre saw them. Everyone in the car (except Bill Bellamy)
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pulled out his own gun of choice and shot the gangstas until all that was
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left was Eazy E. Dre and Eazy E dueled to the death with switchblades.
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Finally, Dre shoved the blade across Eazy's throat, killing him. Then, for
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added effect, he shoved it up his butt. When the pigs came, Ice T started
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singing "Cop Killer" and blew them away. Then they all hopped back into Dre's
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'64 and continued on their way to Xuxa's pad.
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Snoop saw some fools and Dre got out his gun and Rat-Tat-Tat, "I never
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hesitate to put a fool on his back."
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They saw Cypress Hill hitchhiking along the road. They picked them up and
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smoked pot the rest of the way to Xuxa's house.
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Upon arrival, they pulled out their AKs and blew down Xuxa's door. They
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saw Michael Jackson pulling down a little boys pants. Then they went in for
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the kill. But not before Ice Cube said, "C-c-chickity check yoself before you
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wreck yoself, FOO!" Michael screamed and grabbed his crotch and ran away.
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They sent Bill Bellamy out as a diversion (and as a sacrifice, but Bill
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didn't know that!). When Michael shot at him and killed him, Ice Cube snuck
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around behind and put a gun to Michael's temple and pulled the trigger,
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emptying three clips into his head, laughing like a maniac.
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Barney jumped out with his uzi and shot at them. Dre shouted, "Get in my
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'64 and we'll go make a plan!" So, they all ran to Dre's '64 and drove to the
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nearest Motel 6. There, they planned how to kill Barney and Lambchop and save
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the molested children.
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Dre said, "2Pac, you wus, you haven't done crap to help ut." Then Onyx
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drove up and shot 2Pac, leaving without a trace.
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A note flew through the window. Dre read it out loud. "Come at midnight or
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the kids die. --Barney and Lambchop." "We've got to move NOW!" shouted Snoop.
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They started rolling in their '64, but first stopped at a McDonalds, because,
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hey, even good guys need chow!! They ordered the Value Meals and Coke. Then
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they were back on the road to Xuxa's. On the way there, they got in an
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accident with a milk truck, sent by the ringleaders, New Kids on the Block. So,
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Dre said, "Damn. Gotta buy the Lamborghini. Oh, well." So, they bought (using
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the five finger discount, of course) a red Lamborghini Countach 5000SX with
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batwing doors.
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Back on the road, Ice Cube realized in exclamation, "We've been so busy,
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we haven't even made a plan!" So they stopped at the Quality / Comfort /
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Clarion / Sleep hotel. They got a room near the front window. Naughty by
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Nature did a drive-by and a stray bullet hit Ice T in the head, killing him.
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They decided they wanted to take out Lambchop first, and formulated a plan to
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do so. When Lambchop was having his midnight snack of milk (or was it?) and
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cookies, they snuck in and poisoned his "milk". He took one drink, then
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turned into a strange color, a can of Spam, then back into Lambchop and
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exploded, leaving a nasty mess in Xuxa's formerly clean kitchen. Xuxa's maid
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walked in, saw the horrifying site and killed herself.
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Dre and his homies then returned to the hotel to formulate a plan to kill
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Barney. In their hotel room was Vanilla Ice and Snow, asking to help out.
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"Hell no!" shouted Dre. "Word to your mutha," retorted Vanilla Ice. Then Dre
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and Snoop killed them because everyone knows, white men can't rap!
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Now they figured out how to kill Barney. This was not an easy thing to do
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because Barney was so clever, and even though he molested kids, they still
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loved him. Well, maybe that was because they were his zombified slaves that
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they loved him, but...
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They broke back into Xuxa's house through the basement, taking out
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Barney's zombifying machine in the process, which in turn released all the
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kids from Barney's evil grasp. All the kids agreed to help take out Barney.
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The kids jumped on Barney to distract him, while Snoop jumped on his back and
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ripped his head off, with the spine attached, just like Sub-Zero.
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Now they head bosses came downstairs. "The New Kids!!" shouted Dre in
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surprise. "Yes, it's us. We needed to satisfy out 'hunger' by molesting boys
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(and each other)." The homies fought with the New Kids for several hours
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before becoming tired. The New Kids got them tied up. Dre, Snoop, Ice Cube
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and Cypress Hill were all tied together in the corner. Just as the New Kids
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were about to molest them, Beavis and Butt-head jumped out with their flame
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throwers on high. Burning the New Kids to a cinder, shouting, "Why does so
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much stuff suck!?" Then Butt-head added, "Yeah, yeah. I hate stuff that
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sucks. Oh, well, now the world has one less thing that sucks." They burned
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the homies ropes off, just barely burning Cypress Hill's pot stash. The
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homies thanked Beavis and Butt-head. Then they got the kids and evacuated
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them from Xuxa's mansion of Hell, returning them to their proper homes.
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Beavis and Butt-head set the house on fire, burning it down to the ground.
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-[ Note ]-
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The author does not endorse (c)rap music in any way shape or form. The
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author does not mean to imply that Michael Jackson, Barney, Lambchop and the
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New Kids on the Block are child molesters (even though they are). The author
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is extremely sorry for anyone who felt hurt by this story, even if you're a
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retard if you were.
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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| _____ Call Goat Blowers Anonymous for the LATEST HoE! _____ |
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| 6/ ^..^ (215) 750 - 0392 ^..^ \9 |
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| \_____(oo) This Issues Featured Support Board is: (oo)_____/ |
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| WW WW Green Eggs 'n Spam WW WW |
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| (815) 654-9806 |
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| ...the kings of modern goofiness... |
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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Copyright (c) 1995 HoE Publications and Neko. #83 -> 06/16/95
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All rights Reserved.
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