informis
/
textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
textfiles/magazines/GWD/gwd116.txt

699 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Normal View History

Initial commit
2021-04-15 11:31:59 -07:00
_.---[ EPISODE II: The GwD ]---------------------------------------._
/ .----------------------------------------------------------------. \
| | ______ ____________ ___ ________ | |
| | / _____|____ ____| / \ | ____ \ | |
| | ( (___ | | / \ | |____) ) | |
| | \____ \ | | / ^ \ | __ / | |
| |________________) ) | | / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ ___________| |
| __________________/ |__|__/__/ __\__\|__| \______________ |
| ___________ \ / / \ | ____ \ / _____________ |
| | \ \ __ / / \ | |____) ) ( (___ | |
| | \ \ / \ / / ^ \ | __ / \____ \ | |
| | \ ` /\ ' / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ _______) ) | |
| | \__/ \__/__/ \__\|__| \____________/ | |
| | | |
\ `----------------------------------------------------------------' /
`-----------------------------------------[ Special STRIKES BACK ]---'
----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue # 116 -----
----- release date: 04-12-02 -----
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
Not so long ago, right here in our scuzz-bucket of a galaxy, three movies
changed the world. Now, the STAR WARS saga is continuing, and we're here to
get our names associated with it in any way we can. That's right, "GwD: The
American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" is continuing in its self-proclaimed
role as THE unOFFICIAL STAR WARS E-ZINE. This here is the second
installment, aptly titled,
"EPISODE II: The GwD STAR WARS Special STRIKES BACK."
The stuff in this file is from a variety of sources, mostly e-mails we've
received on countless occasions. No copyright infringement is intended. We
merely feel that this stuff is worthy of preservation, merely from a novelty
standpoint. Authors are credited where we knew who wrote this stuff. If you
wrote it, or know who did, drop us a line at editor@greeny.org. For
posterity, my friends, we're saving this crap for posterity.
Not that it's all crap...
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
<- CONTENTS ->
I. GENERAL STAR WARS
a. 'The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation' by Topfive.com
b. 'What is your Star Wars name?'
c. 'Top11 Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars"
Tix' by Unknown Author (Probably Topfive.com)
II. EPISODE I
a. 'STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT' by Rod Hilton
b. 'Rumination of the Day'
c. 'The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"'
by Topfive.com
III. ORIGINAL TRILOGY
a. 'Imperial Rhapsody'
b. '21 reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic'
IV. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
a. 'Missing Dialogue from THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK'
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> I. GENERAL STAR WARS <=-
---------------------
-> a. 'The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation' by Topfive.com
15> Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14> Grooming the Wookie
13> Making the Kessel Run
12> Polishing Vader's Helmet
11> Evacuating Tatooine
10> Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9> Releasing the Special Edition
8> Jumping to Delight Speed
7> Communicating with Red Leader One
6> Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5> Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4> Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3> Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2> Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
and Topfive.com's Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...
1> Test Firing the Death Star
-----
-> b. 'What is your Star Wars name?' by Unknown Author
To get your Star Wars name, do the following:
1) Start with the 1st 3 letters of your last name
2) Add the first two letters of your first name
3) Add the first two letters of your mother's maiden name
4) Add the first two letters of the city in which you were born
5) Then you are allowed to remove one letter to make it sound cool
-----
-> c. 'Top11 Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tix
by Unknown Author (Probably Topfive.com)
11> That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your
"longest relationship with a woman."
10> Can't resist to urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber," if you know what I
mean.
9> Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of
unemployment.
8> We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo?
7> A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't
wearing one.
6> When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a
war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan's ability
to handle the to situation.
5> Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the
theater.
4> The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II."
3> Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol.
2> The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars"
Tickets...
1> Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to
"Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> II. EPISODE ONE <=-
----------------
-> a. 'STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT' by Rod Hilton
(Here is an abridged script for those people that had trouble following the
plot of the movie.)
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an
important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr
not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi
use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force
to destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR
Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I
have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont'd)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon,
okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right above Jar Jar)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to
attend to.
JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in
technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you
will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help
you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just
capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of
her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD
I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free
you.
JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt.
(pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to
sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that
could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in Episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the
next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you
like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.
YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries
are.
LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training
him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll
fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies,
you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
IAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.
He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of
the Jedi, but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of
annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of
creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one,
pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on
trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with
annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black
boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black
face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really
don't care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care
except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is
mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of
effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any
other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the
time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell)
Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of
us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the
ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side
and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question
you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the
shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while
MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so
cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He
accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just
makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict
is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.
AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the
tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really
significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and
kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has
actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny
problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.
GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on
my films, as I am an independant filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's
commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!
THE END
-----
-> b. 'Rumination of the Day' by Unknown Author
If people are worried about the whole Y2K thing, just wait until they try to get
technical support the day "Phantom Menace" opens.
-----
-> c. 'The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"'
by Topfive.com
14> As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually
see the strings holding up the planets.
13> Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger.
12> Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes
blank and you have to put in another 50 cents.
11> Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins.
10> As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into
"The Phantom Moan-fest."
9> The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball
bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths.
8> None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho.
7> The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms
outstretched -- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad
derivative.
6> "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!"
5> Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so!
4> Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero."
3> "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right.
2> Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not
Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"...
1> You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan"
Kenobi.
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> III. ORIGINAL TRILOGY <=-
----------------------
-> a. 'Imperial Rhapsody' (sung to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody")
by Unknown Author
LANDO: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me
PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.
YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mendacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee,
for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Stormtroopers start headbanging)
LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.
OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter,
to meeeeeeee.
-----
-> b. '21 reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic' by Unknown Author
1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose
is just marriage bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that
thing!" and really mean it.
6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman
with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.
Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his
fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he
strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"
14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would
use the Force to get the key.
15. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife," just doesn't have the same sting
as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply
freezes.
17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that damn iceberg!
18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I
am your father."
19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in
Titanic was a stupid minor character.
20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet
Earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.
21. Titanic morals:
a. gamble,
b. cheat on your husband,
c. pose nude for pictures,
d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.
Star Wars morals:
a. fight evil,
b. do good,
c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers,
d. rescue princess,
e. save planet.
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> IV. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK <=-
----------------------------
-> a. 'Missing Dialogue from THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK' by Unknown Author
Vader Strikes Back
There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE
STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where
Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with
the release of Episode 1...
The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER
towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand!
It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks
around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the
swamp.
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of
the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right
here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are,
but you sure ain't mine...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
(NOTE: STAR WARS and related terms are registered trademarks of
Lucasfilm Ltd.
If you don't know what we mean by "related terms," you are a deprived
soul who should kindly fuck off.
Oh yeah, and all registered trademarks are used without permission,
but since this is a free e-zine, it wouldn't really be worthwhile to
sue us, would it?
So there. SO THERE. CHACH.)
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#116 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
distributed MMII GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII Original Authors-no infringement intended :GLORIOUS TA-TAS:
presented by The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD