151 lines
9.3 KiB
Plaintext
151 lines
9.3 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Riddle Me This
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--------------
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I'm driving to work this morning and there is this female DJ on complaining
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that her fiancee doesn't trust her because he won't give her his voice
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messaging pin number. Now, while the easy thing would be to start harping
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on her about that, and thinking in the non-linear fashion I do, I was
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puzzled by something else completely. How Operation Engagement Ring became
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a success.
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Just to clear things up, I don't mean the "two months salary" crap
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that was worked out at the Malta Wedding Conference between the male world
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leaders of the day and the New York diamond merchants. No, gentleman, that
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is still as low a moment as the day we agreed to strap and the harness and
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mow the lawn into the foreseeable future. What I refer to is the very fact
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we get women to wear these things.
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I mean, we have taken a natural fondness of jewelry, an obsession
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with diamonds, and the insatiable need for romance, and combined them to
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sell the greatest territory-marker in history. Yes gentlemen, where once
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our pre-evolved ancestors would mark a patch of land and a bride in the same
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stream of urine, for the small price of two-months salary (compared of
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course to relieving ourselves on our lawn and loved-ones) we can now
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proclaim our tactics have evolved as well.
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Think about it for a moment: In the new prison release system,
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they now fit convicts with transponders or "bracelets" in order to track
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their movements while on work-release or house arrest. These bracelets send
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out a signal that allows prison officials to monitor the location of the
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offenders, and announces to the community "I am a criminal and have been
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tagged by the MAN!"
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Romantically, we have a device our own to this end. The engagement
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ring. This combination of stone and metal is a very heart-felt transponder
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that allows the men of the world to sleep at night. Once we find a women we
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love enough to sacrifice our happiness for in the name of marriage, we now
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have a new dilemma to wrestle with. Now most men don't think "Hey, if she
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goes out dancing without me, someone might sleep with my chick!" Now, these
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same men think "Hey, if she goes out dancing without me, someone might sleep
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with my future bride and possible mother of my children!"
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Now, the male pride is being challenged on an almost unthinkable
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level. The panic equals that of the moment that you realize that you
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finally lost the tv remote FOR GOOD. So what are we willing to do to make
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up for this? Cough up two-months salary of course.
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Think gentlemen: "Honey, will you marry me and be the happiest
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yadda-yadda-yadda" Green light. Slap on the wedding shackle. Yes, that
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ring now announces to the surrounding men that she isn't completely taken
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yet, but she might as well be. You have spent so much damn money on the
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most obvious and unmistakable symbol of "stay away from her chumps", that it
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will not go unnoticed.
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Why do engaged men seem to be happier than married or even single men?
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They have the best of two worlds. They are superior to single males by
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virtue of:
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1) No longer having to date - Gone is the humiliation of meeting
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women, the ordeal of the date, and the financial loss of the whole fiasco.
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In fact, after engagement, most men don't even take their fiancee out any
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more, thus getting back the money spent on the ring.
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2) Romantic down-time - You've made one of the single most
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romantic gestures and are making plans for an even bigger one. For the next
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few months you can sit on those laurels.
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3) Marking your territory - As previously stated, instead of
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pissing on someone, you've instead pissed away cash. At least get some sleep.
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They are superior to married men by virtue of:
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1) Let the wallet fly wide open again: Engagement is straddled
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with a single expense, namely, the ring. Now, nothing short of a car,
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home, and matching dinette set will begin to satisfy the beast that is
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married life.
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2) The honeymoon not having started, letting alone being over -
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The vows taken, the cake eaten, the honeymoon taken, the inevitable "So what
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now" look from the new bride. Yes men, time to dust off those laurels and
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start to impress all over again.
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3) Your matching transponder - Yes, the party is officially over.
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You too have a ring.
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That is the part that amazes me most. For a number of months, you
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convinced the women you love to wear this ring while you escaped scott free.
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While her hand is announcing her engagement to the world, unless you pipe
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up, you could pass off the biggest scam since the black guy on Hogan's
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Heroes would don a uniform and pass himself off as a Nazi officer. She is
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taken, and you none of the same marking. In theory, you are still a free man.
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How was this allowed? I give women huge credit in the brains
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department, yet this one slipped right past the early warning system. Men,
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by and large, find fidelity a hard concept to begin with. Women, in turn,
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are WELL aware of it. Yet, they end up being tagged like a baby seal by Jim
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the hunter in a Mutual Omaha's Wild Kingdom episode while we now have the
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potential of continuing to hunt gazelles uninhibited.
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Is this a test? Have we been duped? Are we being set up for
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failure? For all we know from the moment we giving her a ring, our phones
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are being tapped. On the other hand, this could just be a clever maneuver
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to allow a man to get used to the crushing pressure of a committed
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relationship by allowing him sit in the decompression chamber of engagement
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to avoid a case of the emotional bends brought on unfathomable depths of
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marriage. Well, perhaps.
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While I was so willing to tote a victory, I now think I've instead
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uncovered a clever ruse. So clever, it seems that BOTH sides seem to lose.
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Have I just reached the point comparable to the reaction the Warren
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Commission should have had when ammunition was proclaimed to be "magical"?
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Since there is still only a lone gunman written into the history books, I
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will not try to solve this enigma today. Point being: Until the day the
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engagement process takes on a level of seriousness as the "exploding
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shackle" from The Running Man where your bride-to-be loses the whole hand if
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she tries to take it off or get more that 1000 feet from you, I think we
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should focus our efforts on determining why every Valentine's Day we spend
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good money on floral arrangements that have started to die before they are
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even delivered on day that symbolizes the optimism of love lasting forever.
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So it goes.
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Capone (capone@dimensional.com)
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= Internet : jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= gote land +27.31.441115 =
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= Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 =
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= Global Chaos +61.2.681.2837 =
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= Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Undrgrnd Indust/Inc. 207.490.2158 =
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= Damnation 212.861.0580 Damnation -Toll Free 888.803.8490 =
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= Hacker's Haven 303.516.9969 Unearthly Shadows 303.683.1443 =
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= E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 =
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= Dungeon Sys. Inc. 410.263.2258 Psykodelik Images 407.834.4576 =
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= Paradise Lost 414.476.3181 Black SunShine 513.891.3465 =
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= underworld_1995.com 514.683.1894 Digital Fallout 516.378.6640 =
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= PSYCHOSiS 613.836.7211 Bad Trip 615.870.8805 =
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= Plan 9 716.881.3663 suicidal chaos 718.592.1083 =
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= Damaged 801.944.7353 The Death Star Bar 805.872.3151 =
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= Purple Hell 806.791.0747 BloodNet 901.872.8615 =
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= Atrocity Exhibition 905.796.3385 Phoenix Modernz 908.830.8265 =
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= The Keg 914.234.9674 that stupid place 215.985.0462 =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Files through Anon FTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.PRISM.NET/pub/users/mercuri/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM/users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU - /pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM - /users/rage/zines/fuck =
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= Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.prism.net/zineworld/fuck/ =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author =
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