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Initial commit
2021-04-15 11:31:59 -07:00
A:\Backup C:
Bad Sector(s) on disk A:\
File(s) Not found
(A)bort (R)etry (G)o Insane
Datawaste Productions
Is
Proud to Present:
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A feeble attempt at humor slightly related to anything
dealing with the online community.
STAFF
Editor in chief and
Sect. Of Defense candidate: Vince Lortho
Submitting Writers:
Don Karnage
Mitch Tegram
Tom Leats
^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^G^
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Table Of Contents:
1. Table of Contents.
2. Why.
3. New Product Information.
4. Virus Research.
5. New Taglines.
7. 50+ ways to Mess with your room-mate.
8. Top-Ten List.
9. The McDonald Story
10. First issue complete.
10. Word of the month.
11. Question of the month.
12. How to find Us.
__________________________________________________________________
------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: Microsoft has made great strides in software advancement yet
in all the advancements they have not been able to tell the
the difference between one and greater than one.
To test this type:
C:\copy *.* c:\temp
1 file(s) copied.
^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^
B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B^B
Why.
By Vince Lortho
Why? That's a good question. Why would someone like myself who could
be having a good life and job and family want to produce this complete
waste of time. This magazine will cause no changes in your life.
It will only waste time. You read through some of it and read more and
more then when you're done you'll have wasted fifteen minutes that could
have been spent with your children or girlfriend or boyfriend or parole
officer. But if you're like most people who BBS and travel around the
nets daily then fifteen minutes is nothing. You probably don't have a
girl/boy friend anyway. If your like me you just read the easy 179k
docs for a file that you don't need.
Most of it is just legal doctrines and disclaimers. I found a copy of
the Magna Carta in the docs for PKZIP 3.0 plus I found a nice little
trojan. How many people have heard this:
"Honey, You spend more time with that...COMPUTER than you do with me!"
"What did you say dear?"
Well this magazine is for you. This is the first issue so it's going
to suck big time but then at the end I'll put a statement that says
the next issues will be ten times better and I need authors to submit
humor. I hope no one is offended with anything in this magazine. You
can sue me but I doubt you'll get anything other than a computer and
a wall of Mt. Dew cans. OK. Enough of this, you probably stopped reading
already so who cares. Blah, blah, blah, blah....Number Nine..Number nine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
New software developments.
Beyond 2000: new Software developments.
By Mitch Tegram
BBS Programs
BORGE BBS
Datamaster Inc.
1 Analretentive ave.
Kwigillingak, AK 99210
(800)-EXP-ENSV
BORGE BBS is a brand new software that is rumored to be 100%
hacker proof and has state-of-the-art security features.
System requirements:
Dos 6.20 or higher. 32 megs of Ram and at least a 1 megabyte disk cache.
Pentium p100 processor minimum. Requires 20 nodes for installation.
2.88 meg floppy. 1.4 Terabytes storage (just for BBS) May need additional
space for files. 1280x1024 SVGA graphics. 65000 ISDN Blaster Modem.
1 case Exlax and approximately 8 days for ASSIMILATION.
Features:
Installation:
(Assimilation)
Comes with automatic Floppy changer for easier installation.
Installation features PKWare's new Compression algorithm that packs 1024
bytes into 1 byte using vertical compression and virtual reality data.
Software has 245 Floppies and Is now available in a convenient CD-ROM
format (requires 4 CD-ROM drives for minimum Operation).
Configuration:
BORGE features new DATALOC software ID recognition and locates all
Programs on HD <If theres any space left>. It then verifies if they are
registered and deletes all pirate software. Then New Assimilation(c)
technology deletes all dos files and Installs New BORGE operating system.
(Note: Configuration may require sysop to Major in Computer Software
engineering for 4 years and a expertise in C++ Programming)
Files:
When files are U/l'd. to the BBS the user is required to wait while the new
X-AMIN (c) Technology software system disassembles the file into code and
analyzes the Hueristics of the program. Then the program is reassembled
using new PKZips Bit smasher optimization algorithm.
Reduces file size by 70%.
Any user U/L'ing a dangerous file such as a Virus will receive a 70000 watt
charge through the Phone line thus melting System into plastic door-stop.
(Not responsible for damage to Phone Lines or international switching
satellites or Users that are not grounded)
In new version 1.01 the BBS determines if User needs a specific file
and allows transmission of file if it is deemed necessary to user based
on Logon questionnaires. This saves vital time online for People d/l
Useless files.
Security:
Users, If they pass initial phase of Logon will be asked a series of
1031 questions including SSN, Drivers License, Nationality status,
household info, Car registration, Eating habits, height, and weight.
It also requires the user to give other accounts and PW to other BBS's.
The BBS will use new users Passwords and BBS numbers and call other
BBS automatically and assess what type of board it is and examine
users mail for possible intelligence assessment.
Next phase will require one week waiting period where the computer
access's FBI mainframe and preforms Full Background examination as
well as Credit reports and Job performance. Upon verification of all
Information the user is advanced to level 2 of authorization.
the system transmits a laser optical recognition system to the users
monitor (VGA required). It scans the users retina pattern and stores it.
(Not responsible for Retina damage or Random Monitor explosions)
Once Recognition is complete the user is required to place Hand on
monitor using New Fingersoft technology and the fingerprints are stored.
Additional Features are described in:
"Cliff Notes for BORGE BBS Manuals"
Word Processors:
By Vince Lortho
Geordi Laforge supplement
for WordPerfect 6.0, Word 3.0
and Ami-pro 3.01
Paramount Entertainment Corp.
1 paramount st.
Paramount City, Ca
90210-0213
Price:($450-$700)
1-800-ALL-CASH
Overview:
The Geordi Laforge supplement will help any user spice up ones reports.
It is designed to manipulate text to make the average user feel more
intelligent. It utilizes a new method called BS-THESAURUS (c) and replaces
ordinary words with more complicated words. See below.
"The electric passes through the circuit card and then it sends a signal to
the electrode that causes the light to glow when the user turns on the
computer."
Now activate the Laforge Utility and heres the result:
"Once the impulse from the user is sensed by the tripolymer coated switching
system in the imbedded sensor matrix it activates the isolinear optic
system that results in an internal tachyon discharge to the onboard nano-
processing chip which emits EM radiation to the Electo-transthermal
inducer that cause the gaseous core to ignite and radiate."
As one can easily see that the second paragraph is of a higher technical
level and will result in people taking you seriously.
(Note: Not to be used when Reality or when facts are concerned.)
If you have a new product you want to advertise or you made up
something completely ludicrous and stupid then contact me on the
the boards located at the end of the file.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
New unusual virii discovered this year so far.
By Tom Leats
Virus Name: Farside
Alias: Sunday Paper virus
V Status: Rare
Discovery: January 1994
Symptoms: System files missing, Dos is sometimes missing and
reappears computer hangs and strange insects found
dead inside computer.
Origin: Outerspace
Eff. Length: 1 - 10,038,323 bytes
Detection method: Like you couldn't tell.
Removal Instruction: Just throw computer away or send $100 to John Mcafee
General Comments:
The Farside Virus activates on every Sunday morning at about 8:30 a.m. and
Images of fat children with glasses appear on monitor. System files are
sometimes deleted and replaced with MacIntosh Files. Computer will slow
down comparable to Tandy Color Computer with Tape Drive. Computer also
becomes infested with talking cock-roaches and Snakes.
Variations:
Garfield Virus
Same as above except that stripes are seen on monitor during Dinner hours.
FIDO VIRUS
By: Vince Lortho
Virus Name: FIDO
Alias: woof,woof; Redrover; Cajo
V status: Research
Discovery: Today 12:34 p.m.
Symptoms: Computer fetches files that are deleted and displays them.
Other symptoms see below.
Origin: Fido_net conferences
Eff Length: 100 - 101 bytes.
Detection Method: Unknown.
Removal Instructions: Shoot infected files.
General Comments:
The Fido Virus is extremely interesting. The virus doesn't do any actual
Damage to the Computer except that It is impossible to delete files.
The interesting aspect of this virus is that sends a high pitch Sound
through the PC speaker or Sound device and causes users animals to go
Crazy. A case in Cleveland had a Pit Bull that attacked and killed 17
Users of an Infected BBS. Only disinfection known is to kill animals or
tear out PC speaker and buy a bigger HD for all the files you can't
delete.
Variations:
Batcall virus.
This virus was isolated in Transilvania and causes bats to attack users
When computer is turned on. Research is Continuing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Question: A circle has Infinite points. How many points does
a half-circle twice as large contain?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Heres some Taglines you'll want to steal. If you write a good one don't post
it to me. I'll steal it and put it in the mag. Keep it to yourself.
"Geordi, I cannot stun my cat."
Is it time for a colorful Metaphor?
8 of 10 people suffer hemorrhoids the other 2 enjoy them.
Your proctologist called and your head is ready.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD>޺<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>۳<EFBFBD>ݳ<EFBFBD>ݳ<EFBFBD> <- Will "Hooked on Phonics" teach this?
Conservative: (n) Liberal who has been mugged.
"The answer to the Great Question is 42."
We need safer guns and safer bullets--Josilyn Elders
-------------------------------------------------------------
<Place your add here.> Are you lonely and want your profile here?
Are you a software company that wants to send me a free copy of your
$500 software and want me and my expert staff to review it for you here.
Mastercard/Visa/Amex/Carta Blanche/Discover/MO/Checks/Cash/Bribes/Pay-offs.
accepted always.
__________________________________________________________________________
50 Ways to mess with Your Roommate
I found this file on a local BBS. I thought it was hilarious because
I used to do this stuff all the time and I lived alone. Feel free to let
me know anything you have done. I added some of my own. You can tell they're
mine because an "*" will appear before them.
1. Smoke jimson week. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk
to them.
6. Become a subgenus.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up
out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually
work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans
in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
"Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias
on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it, turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple
of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ball-point pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and
eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list
of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing them.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents postage due.
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
with "Didja ever wonder why . . ." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments,
mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play
it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
them as soon as you wake up.
*51. Go buy some of those little wine shots (the ones that look like
real bottles like the ones you get on first class flights) Run around with
them in your hands shouting "I'm a giant, I'm a giant!"
*52. Type on your computer "All work and no play make <Your Name> a dull toy"
10000 times.
*53. Pick up the phone when it doesn't ring and start laughing and say
"He'll never know what hit him." while looking at your room-mate.
*54. Call your apartment from a payphone and ask for yourself. Do this every
hour.
*55. Start a cock-roach collection. Keep them in your room-mates socks.
*56. Plant a small tree in the toilet.
If you have one let me know.
^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^
A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B^A^B
Heres tonight's top ten list. From David Letterman's show.
Sorry, I'm a little behind
Top 10 Ways To Annoy a Flight Attendant - August 26, 1992
10. Make loud propeller noises with your mouth for duration of flight.
9. Ask for blanket, run up and down aisle pretending to be a ghost.
8. Giggle uncontrollably each time she says "duty free."
7. Maintain emergency landing position for entire flight.
6. Date her for 12 years, put her in all your movies, then start dating
her daughter.
5. Push call button. Ask for pancakes. Repeat.
4. Hypnotize seat mate into not returning tray table to original and
upright locked position.
3. Ask whether Salisbury steak can be used as flotation device.
2. Fill air sickness bag with coleslaw. Toss at movie screen.
1. Keep calling her "Mommy."
_______________________________________________________________________
THE MCDONALD STORY
By Don Karnage.
I went into a McDonald the other day, peckishly famished. At the register
stood a bored looking young man. "Give me one of those." I said, pointing at a
colorful picture on the menu board that showed a burger of some sort.
"Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave your dog outside." he said,
eyeing King, my beautiful German Shepard/Rottweiler.
"Nonsense." I said. "I'll do no such thing. He's a loyal friend and besides,
he is hungry as well." The kid eyed King again, looked back up at me, and
went to get his manager. "Ahhh!" I thought. Good idea. Surely the manager
would know what to do.
To my horror, the manager kindly (but rather sternly) informed me that dogs,
(unless they were seeing eye dogs) were not allowed in the restaurant. I
told him, that, as a visitor to this country and a gentleman, I understood
his delemmia, but asked if he could look the other way just this once.
My British charm had no power here. He repeated that I was to leave the dog
outside. "The only dog I see." I countered, "Is you, and that damned boy you
call an employee!", and, leaping over the counter, I grabbed the man by his
tie and told him about manners and the treatment of guests in this country.
I received my food about half an hour later.
I had just about finished half of my sandwich before the police arrived.
"Damnation!" I cried, "Police that carry guns! Cowards!" I called to King
to attack one of them, whereupon one of the policeman pulled a gun and shot
King dead. I was escorted directly to jail, released after 2 days on a
thousand dollar bond, and was fined five thousand dollars.
Now I ask: Is this the kind of thing we well groomed Brits can expect from
you colonist savages?
_____________________________________________________________________
Story Written by Don Karnage. Don is an eccentric psychopath that
has decided to stalk the BBS scene and cause general mayhem. Other
than that he is a Teacher at a local nursery school and a Moonie.
He is sometimes mistaken as a lemur. 01-21-94 19:23 hours
----------------------------------------------------------------------
First Issue.
The first issue is complete. I am satisfied with the outcome even though it
stunk. It will be tens time better in the next issues and As long as people
send me humor it will continue to be your favorite publication.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Word of the Month.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> TETRAHYMENA <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Use this word in a sentence you would have with a priest.
The most Creative sentence will be posted next month.
_______________________________________________________________________
Question of the Month.
What are the lyrics to the Star trek theme in the old series?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So you want send me mail, a comment, death threats, Dead animals in shoe
boxes or anything else. We cannot return anything unless you send us a
SASE with a reason why. Make sure the words "permission to reprint" on
anything you want posted. I will answer all data mail and most parcel mail.
I forgot to pay my PO box so I don't have my address up yet. No wonder
I haven't been getting any mail lately.
I do not have an internet account yet so hold tight internet users.
If The account isn't set up yet on a certain board then its the sysops
fault. Call a better board.
Places I can be reached:
Internet:
ANONYMOUS FTP SITE: ftp.erinet.com : /pub/badsectr/Bad_Sector
Email : badsectr@erinet.com or anonymous: an124909@anon.penet.fi
Distro sites
Board Phone number: My account:
Wolverines lair (513)422-9652 USR HST DS Elric
CCS (513)424-2495 Boca 14.4 Bad Sector
Hole (513)420-9917 (node 1) Elric
(513)420-9841 (node 2)
(513)420-9956 (node 3)
J&J's BBS (513)233-0917 (5 lines) Bad Sector
Personal Payphone (513)743-9324 Ask for Piss Boy
or COCOT:
You can find me anywhere else as Elric.
I often dress up like My Hamster and hang out
at K-mart. So come and get a good buy.
If you give over $100.00 donations I will write a two page
Add-on how much of a great person you are and give you a floppy disk
Chock full o' Bad Sectors.
Disclaimer
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to
real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where
prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank
number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment.
Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not
use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to
sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for
some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For
recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age.
If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable
parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to
change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage
necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes
acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size
fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of
non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the
forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use
only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox.
Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will
not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing.
Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not
responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages
resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At
participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use.
See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do
not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add tonier. Place stamp here. Avoid
contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is
properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher
west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not
eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some
questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure
prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for
this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped
in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only
in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with
same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here
if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not
include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children.
Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No
solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise
specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two
alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before
digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned
in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record
additional transactions on back of previous stub.
This supersedes all previous notices.