251 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
251 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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Houston Blinkie Letter
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October 7 American Nihilist Underground Society 1989
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Issue One Number 1
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Welcome
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-------
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Welcome to all readers of HBL! This is a magazine dedicated to the study and
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pilfering of the common species of night-time safety flasher, otherwise known
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as a "blinkie." These ingenious devices have been found all over most
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American cities and towns, usually near construction. Since they're easy and
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fun to steal, most ANUS members posess at least one.
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This magazine supports the theft of and distribution of information about
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blinkies, and we encourage those of you interested in late-night adventure to
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read on.
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Common Theft/by CC
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------------------
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The easiest way to get a blinkie is to steal it. In Houston, this is most
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fun, because (a) Houston cops love beating on kids, and (b) what the hell else
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can you do in Houston? There are basically three steps to pilfering blinkies:
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scouting, preparation and theft. The execution of each with attention to
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detail is necessary, since one slip-up can mean a police shoe in the balls or
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face. I'll summarize in the following paragraph. For those of you who want
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more info, read my extensive file on the subject. It's up on some (puke)
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Houston Apple boards.
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scouting- Take a drive, and look for blinkies in secluded areas with
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basically a good escape route. Avoid major streets with lots of cars with
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light bars. Check out the blinkies, too, and make sure they're in fairly good
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condition. No one wants a looser blinkie. Best places to look are around
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construction sites or pothole-infested streets. There'll be at least one
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cache in your area.
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preparation- Get together an alibi for your parents, your tools, clothes,
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means of transport and blinkie bag. The easiest way is to stay at a friend's
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house, or to work on a SafeRides project or similar late-night endeavor. Your
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parents will either trust you, or check up on you and want a phone number. In
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Houston, finding one is easy, since any number in the 234 exchange is always
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busy. Your parents will never figure it out. Your tools may vary, depending
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on the blinkie type(s) and area. Clothes are easy: shorts/jeans depending on
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weather, a dark polo or concert shirt and good shoes, such as battered
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sneakers but not something obvious like combat boots. No camo. Find yourself
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some means of transportation, like your own car (easy) or a friend who also
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suffers (?) from kleptomania. Also, pick up a blinkie bag, such as a canvas
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sack or thick backpack on your way out.
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theft- Go late at night, and park your car nearby. Jump out, turn off and
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unscrew the blinkies, and lay them in a safe spot. Collect them in your
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blinkie bag, and sprint back to your car. The whole thing should take less
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than fifteen minutes. Move on to next site.
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As you can see, the process is not that hard. Go for it. It's not that
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dangerous, except that sometimes Houston cops will try to seriously dick you
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around, rape you if you're drunk, or just kickbox your testicles. The answer
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is not to go in your car. If they accost you, run. Remember the song: "Over
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the fence and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go..." Easy.
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Common Tools
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------------
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There are several types of bolts you must be prepared to deal with.
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Joke Bolt
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This is your common octagonal bolt. A generic socket wrench with a 19 mm /
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.75 inch cup will easily take off this puppy. Since these bolts are so
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incredibly lame, the Creators of Blinkies have put little "safe sex" cups
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around them. Who cares? You socket wrench should easily fit inside it.
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Figure Eight Bolt
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As the name implies, this bolt looks like a figure eight. It appears that a
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specialized tool is needed for this one, but figure on needle-nose pliers
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working just as well.
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Penis Bolt
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This bolt has a round, circumcised head with a pentagon cut in the tip. In
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the middle of this pentagon is a circular protrusion. Beats me what kind of
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tool get this one, but the bolts suck, and as a result do not tighten
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completely, and these blinkies can usually be wrestled off in less than two
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minutes.
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Incredibly Easy Bolt
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This is an octagonal bolt with sheath, usually sticking straight out of the
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sawhorse the blinkie is on. Give it a good jerk, or just crank it with your
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hands.
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These bolts are used to secure blinkies to wood or plastic sawhorses, barrels,
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signs or barricades. Since construction workers have to move them, too, the
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bolts are usually accessed with a easily-availible tool (at least to
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construction workers). This fact works for you, since whatever they can get
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we can make/fake/steal.
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That's it, and good luck! If you need more info, call one of the ANUS boards
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in Houston when they go back up and we'll be glad to hold a workshop for you!
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Recent runs
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Recent runs by Houston ANUS members or members-in-training netted a total of
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twenty five blinkies over a two-weekend period. Naturally, this sucks, but
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since most of us attend seriously evil schools, work has slowed us down a bit.
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Captain Crapp, Chromatic Death and Royal Flush snagged ten red blinkies in a
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recent run trying out a new location, and pronounced the area to be "sweet."
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Safe Areas In Houston
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Memorial Drive from Fondren to Voss- This area is full of beautiful, blue
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blinkies. Since the people who live here are financially secure in a big way,
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the city put their best out. The best time to go is three-thirty A.M. to five
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o'clock, since at this time there are few cars and pig ("police") patrols drop
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off to infrequent. As you go down Memorial eastbound, select a side street
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(they're all residential) and park there. Walk along, loosening and turning
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off blinkies. Then, grab the bag and get 'em all. These blinkies are prime
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Valdez blues, with Hercules Industrial Strength batteries.
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Voss- Red blinkie city. These aren't in as good shape as the ones on
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Memorial, but there are plenty of them and many more side streets. Snag them
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late at night, and don't worry too much about pigs. There are no donut shops
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in the area. Your easiest way out is the freeway, but Voss also runs straight
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down to Westheimer.
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Post Oak at I-10- This area is a massive construction project, and has tons
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of red blinkies. It is almost completely safe, since the construction is an
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acre triangle surrounded on two sides by freeways. If anyone shines a light
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in your face, run deep into the construction. There are a plethora of hiding
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places and you cannot be seen from the road. Turn off your blinkies and you
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will not get caught. The best time to go is as soon as it gets really dark.
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Tanglewood- This area is off of San Felipe, and has many small, one- or
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two-blinkie streets. Scout beforehand and be out quick.
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River Oaks- Surprise! This area is undergoing construction for the rich fat
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cats, and as a result various natures of blinkies are appearing on cheapshit
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plastic sawhorses. Simply unscrew the cheap plastic flap that secures the
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blinkie to the sawhorse, and load up your vehicle. The River Oaks Police
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aren't; they are just security guards. Mud up your license plate and head out
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there. Be careful, however, since most residents have millions of dollars
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worth of useless shit (faux art, stereo equipment, dogs, children) stuffed in
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their mansions, and most are paranoid.
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Other News
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Houston's two big construction projects are winding down, but more are soon to
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come. The beautiful thing about this fact is that the new ones promise to be
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in decently sleazy neighborhoods where the pigs don't patrol! Remember, no
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donut shop -- no police protection.
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Definitions
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Over the years, a definite vocabulary has evolved. Here are a few definitions:
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blinkie- small, blinking object found at construction site. Also: Hamster
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in microwave.
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pig- police officer, peace officer, officer, motherfucker, dickweed,
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protector, jackoff...whatever you want to call them, this is simply a
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euphemism for "asshole with a gun and a badge."
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pigmo- police car.
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bingos- lights on top of said car.
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bacon rinds- off-duty "pigs." (see above)
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baco-bits- security guards pretending they're cops.
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dink- citizen who screams at you for stealing blinkies from his yard.
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rent- an older relative who asks you where you're going.
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flick- common hand signal for communicating with "pigs."
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sweetness- an area populated with blinkies or pussy you happen to pick up on
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the way.
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brew- post-run celebration (libations?).
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blinkie run- the act of stealing one or more blinkies.
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blinkie fuck- getting caught in the act. Bad for college transcripts.
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blinkie bust- getting rained out or caught by parents.
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penis- pre-run pacifer. Insert in mouth if nervous.
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dickweed- person who posts a message following this text file saying, "Oh my
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god!!!1!!!!11!! Thats stealing!!!!1!!"
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A Little Info About ANUS
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------------------------
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The American Nihilist Underground Society is an organization dedicated to
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making the shit life tosses at you more bearable. We're headquartered in
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Houston, but we plan expansion soon. If interested, find an ANUS member and
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let him know. We are equal opportunity people: we don't discriminate like
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some shitheads on the basis of race, sex or religion; instead we discriminate
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by testicle size, IQ and depravity.
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We're the people who bring you quality entertainment such as TURD, SPOO and
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BlinkieFest '89. Also, we are a Beatrice company.
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Quote
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-----
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"I'm on a highway to hell..."
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-Bon Scott
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"I used to think that only America's Way,
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Way was right,
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But now the Holy Dollar rules everybody's lives,
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Gotta make a million no matter who dies!"
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--Queensryche
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"If it's not nailed down, it's free."
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--Captain Crapp
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Conclusion
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We've had a lot of fun writing this issue and hope you enjoy reading it as
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much as that poor clueless shit we tried it out on. You may notice that this
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article is written in fairly complex language. This practice is to discourage
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intelligent people out there (hello?) from passing us off as another group of
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bored tyros with nothing better to do and a busted TV set.
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Look for another issue in the future, but in the mean time, keep on blinkie
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running, and let us know is any new developments or ideas come up. Thanks.
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Authors
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-------
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Captain Crapp
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Chromatic Death
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Royal Flush
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"Have a nice fucking day" -- 10/7/89
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