54 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
54 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
|
Uses for Metal Music
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
You say, "What is Metal good for?" Well, look no further my friends,
|
||
|
|
your prayers have been answered. Besides being the number one producer of
|
||
|
|
headaches, ANUS members have found additional uses for the glorious sound of
|
||
|
|
metal.
|
||
|
|
First of all, metal makes for excellent music on stealing excursions
|
||
|
|
such as blinkie runs. It enlivens one's spirit, improves his/her's reflexes,
|
||
|
|
and increases adrenalin flow. Nothing is better for the avid thief than a
|
||
|
|
little "Master of Puppets" or "Last Caress". Hell, even "Highway to Hell"
|
||
|
|
will do. The beat is very important. The more risky the job, the faster the
|
||
|
|
beat. Blinkie running requires music in the caliber of "Metal" or
|
||
|
|
"Hard Rock". Examples are AC/DC and Dangerous Toys. Jobs such as Police car
|
||
|
|
stealing or bank robberies require something violent and FAST. I suggest
|
||
|
|
German speed-metal such as Bathory and Sodom. It becomes evident that the
|
||
|
|
optimum beat required is directly proportional to the heinous deed about to be
|
||
|
|
undertaken.
|
||
|
|
If your school has a room set aside for seniors only, like mine, replace
|
||
|
|
the crap new wave they usually play with a little "Anthrax." Speed metal has
|
||
|
|
the ability to make EVERYBODY pissed off and angry at each other [not to
|
||
|
|
mention make some people uncontrollably bang their heads]. Stupid, but neat.
|
||
|
|
Metal is also useful for pissing off parents. Gawd, parents like mine
|
||
|
|
would freak at the slightest hint of distortion in music, which explains their
|
||
|
|
extensive collection of Barry Manilow. Mine would say "Oh, my god, that music
|
||
|
|
is sooooo evil!" Unless your parents were raised in Hell, they will most likely
|
||
|
|
object harshly. So, the next time momsie and popsie refuse to let you out of
|
||
|
|
the house at 3AM, turn on your stereo to full while playing "Bodily
|
||
|
|
Dismemberment" by Rigor Mortis. THAT should keep them up for a while!
|
||
|
|
Metal also makes for excellent discussion during dinner-time. This is
|
||
|
|
especially true if you have a sister. During din-din, excuse thyself from the
|
||
|
|
table and pop in "Pre-menstrual Princess Blues" by S.O.D. and examine the
|
||
|
|
forming expression on sis's face. This will probably follow with some lengthy
|
||
|
|
discussion on AIDS and abortion by mom. "Now Melissa, I don't want you to get
|
||
|
|
knocked up by some horny senior and have to get an abortion. I don't want you
|
||
|
|
to get A.I.D.S. either!" "But Mom! I can't help it!" This will probably
|
||
|
|
embarrass your sister till she bursts.
|
||
|
|
Another use for Metal is for the quick writing of college essays. This
|
||
|
|
is especially useful if you are a chronic procrastinator like myself. I will
|
||
|
|
usually pop Rigor Mortis into the CD player and proceed to write my essay. In
|
||
|
|
addition to producing essays studded with allusions to death and Satan, Metal
|
||
|
|
insures that that essay will make it on time. If you are the type that writes
|
||
|
|
essays well in advance, all I have to say to you is "Fuck you, it's magic!"
|
||
|
|
Fuck, more uses... Aha! Sex! Pressed for time? Well, nothing speeds
|
||
|
|
sex up more than a little Nuclear Assault. Just remember to pull it out
|
||
|
|
before, well, you know!
|
||
|
|
Yes, I admit, I was bored. Please excuse the uselessness of this file.
|
||
|
|
Fuck you, Merry Christmas!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
-Cd
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Chris, please correct my grammar.
|
||
|
|
|