85 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
85 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
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Message #5812 board "S_Rant & Rave "
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Date : 29-May-94 11:23
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From : Joe Momma
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To : All
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Subj : Remedial FLAME - part one.
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***********The Twelve Commandments of Flaming**************
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borrowed without permission from David Byrnes
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1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your
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lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
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"Clearly, Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."
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2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
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Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
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qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski (God
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Bless You!), by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she
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has a bad case of .........."
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3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the
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next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to
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EZ-READER to PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths
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until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
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4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
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*possibly* be that you're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a
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conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor
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by exposing it.
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5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
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Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered
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to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group,
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|Didley has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you
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in court, |Didley."
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6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states
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outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
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documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's
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pasta preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.
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7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
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of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
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times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum",
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"vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".
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8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
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convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
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State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
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Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
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"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
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the word 'premeiotic'".
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9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
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citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed
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by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your
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cross-posting or move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist,
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a fascist, or both.
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10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
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have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should
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have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
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This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
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11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
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12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
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this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer
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you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
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better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
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arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point,
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there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah?
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Well, your mother does strange things with ..........."
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The Golden Rule of Flaming:
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My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
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sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.
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... "I'm NOT a homo-necrophiliac", said Tom in dead earnest.
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--- Blue Wave/QBBS v2.12 [NR]
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* Origin: Nimrod's Palace-Vallejo,CA-v32b/HST-(707) 644-0803 (55:2000/105.0)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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