144 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
144 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
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Episode 9
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.-----------.
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! _ _ !
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.-! /* *\ !-.
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\! O !/
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! !
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! .-----. !
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! ' ` !
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`-----------'
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!! !!
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Martin
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(The crew of the Infinity is continuing on their way to find the
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explanation to Life, the Net, and Everything. It is a unbelievably long
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trip. It is also notably nasty as Martin insists on droning on and on
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about what a waste of time it all is and how it will probably be quite
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depressing once the destination is reached and so on. Off in the
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distance, they hear pounding type noises. The sounds appear to be
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getting closer.)
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Gillian: What do you think it is?
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Arnold Lint:I don't know.
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Xaphod: Maybe it's some new and amazingly interesting people.
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Martin: I hope not.
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Rod: It's definitely getting closer, let's duck out of sight just
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to be safe.
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(Rod and company duck behind a nearby paperweight. The pounding sounds
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can now be identified as the sounds of people running. Mixed in is a
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metallic clinking sound and various shouts and yells. As the sound gets
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closer, Arnold discerns that there is also a splatting type of sound
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mixed in.)
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Arnold Lint:What is that?
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Xaphod: Could be a Rigelian Megapede.
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Rod: Or a Richard Simmons show.
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(The source of the sound now comes into view. The first thing seen is a
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group of seven joggers, of various ages, sexes, and creeds, running for
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all they are worth. Close on their heels are two blokes in a Land Rover,
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they each wield a large club and a large can of beer. They are, in fact,
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none other than Australian Joggering champions Bruce Karnage and Bruce
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Bludletter.)
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Bruce: Here Bruce, get closer and I'll get another.
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Bruce: Right Bruce.
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Bruce: Naw, closer, Bruce.
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Bruce: Pass me a beer, Bruce.
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Bruce: Right Bruce.
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(The Land Rover approaches the slowest jogger and Bruce pockets him in
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the corner with a polo-like shot to the head, causing little bits of
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brain to spurt out his ears.)
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Bruce: That was lovely, Bruce!
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Bruce: Thank you, Bruce.
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(The joggers and the joggerers depart, the racket follows them, as well
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it should.)
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Rod: That was great, what a shot.
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Arnold Lint:That was awful, how vicious and cruel.
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Martin: I don't know, I almost enjoyed it.
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Gillian: What do they call that.
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Xaphod: That's joggering, lovely sport.
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Rod: Let's go already.
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Arnold Lint:What a savage Net we live in.
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[**********************************************************************
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"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that one of the most
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savage races in the known Net are the Incindarans. These types make the
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normal Flamers look like choir boys. These types liked to censor shows
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like "8 is Enough" due to it's immoral plot lines. They even went so far
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as to publish 'G' rated versions of the Old, New, and Video Testaments
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(blessed be the Holy Box). Legend has it that their system was kept off
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the Net for a long period of time. Their system lords felt that this
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would be best in light of the tendencies of those in the system. Things
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got so bad in Incindara that the system lords decided they better find
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someone else to fight before they wiped themselves out. So the
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Incindaran system was let onto the Net. They were so busy fighting
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amongst each other that nobody noticed the portal to the Net. An errant
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message found its way to Incindara which made them all realize that they
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were not alone. They selected their most learned scholar, Clyd Noeitall,
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to investigate the wondrous Net. It was the first time Incindara had
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taken enough time out from fighting to do anything. It was indeed a
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great day. He and his colleagues than set out and talked with the Net
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for the first time. Unfortunately, they came in right in the middle of
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the debates over Big Mac's. Upon seeing this, Clyd turned to his
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colleague and said: "No, it's all got to go". Following this they began
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to systematically torch almost every place in the Net. A long war
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followed in which the Incindarans lost badly. The Net, being a bit
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ticked off, decided on a punishment that suited the crime. They took
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away all the 'n' keys on every terminal in Incindara. Unfortunately,
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they forgot to make Incindara a read-only location, allowing the
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Incindarans to verbally flame. The few Incindarans who survived can
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still be found flaming at will about everything they read (which is
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everything as there are no 'n' keys). The once proud and feared
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Incindarans have been reduced to ranting about Burger King, drunk
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drivers, sterilizing non-supporters of ERA, and so on. "The Hitch
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Hikers Guide To The Net" warns all Net travellers that when such types
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are encountered, the best course of action is to abort the debate, as it
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is probably pointless anyway.
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***********************************************************************]
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******************** End Of Part 9 ********************
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What is the explanation of Life, the Net, and Everything? How did Bruce
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do? Did Bruce get his beer. Is Brooke Shields an Alien? To find out . .
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. Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
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danielle
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