192 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
192 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
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==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
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Episode 5 - Netrothea
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(The Infinity is about to land on Netrothea. It is here that Xaphod hopes
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to find a wealth of data to sell back to the Net for immense profits.)
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Rod: Okay Martin, lets land.
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Martin: Do we have to?
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Xaphod: Yes!
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Martin: Very well.
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Gillian: Cheer up Martin, maybe you'll meet a nice lady android.
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Wouldn't that be nice.
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Martin: Not really.
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Arnold Lint:How 'bout a nice male android?
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Martin: That's right more abuse, aren't things bad enough already?
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Besides, how can an android be homosexual? Come to think of
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it, we can't be heterosexual either! How dreadful.
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Rod: Quiet, we've landed.
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Xaphod: How fantastic!
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Gillian: How wonderful.
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Martin: How awful.
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All: Oh shut up!
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Xaphod: Right, lets go!
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(The door to the Infinity opens to reveal the landscape of Netrothea. It
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is indeed a strange landscape. The ground has the consistency of a
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partially frozen waterbed covered with rich Corinthian leather. Flames
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spring forth from the soil in primordial splendor, displaying brilliant
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patterns of red and green. Off in the distance, great orange hills
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reflect the light of the purple sun. Polka-dotted polygram clouds move
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swiftly in uneven patterns across the blue and grey striped sky. The hills
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seemed to have been polished by the winds of time into huge reflective
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mounds which make light dance on the valleys below. Great forests of
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trees are off to the right. The trees are only 4 feet tall, but 20 feet
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wide. Stainless steel leaves hang from their bubble gum branches as pink
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and black steam spews from their exposed roots. The air stings with the
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scent of stale oysters and rotting, 3 day old, MacDougals BigMuck's.
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There is still no sign of civilization. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder
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starts up: "This is David Halfmind. Tomorrow on 'Good Morning Idiots',
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we'll discuss herpes, the death penalty, and aerobics at the office. We'll
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also be talking with Yassir Arrafat about fashions for hot climates . In
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addition, we'll have some wonderful holiday recipes from the Ayatollah
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Khomieni. Also, don't miss our special feature, 'A trip to the Police
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Morgue', which we'll show right after the weather report."]
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Gillian: Ugh, how awful.
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Martin: That's what I keep telling you.
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Xaphod: Wow, what a great place for a vacation.
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Arnold Lint:Yah, if you enjoy misery.
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["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Netrothea as being in the top
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10 places frequented by masochists. The wretched climate and unfriendly
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people (who used to inhabit the place) made Netrothea about as much fun as
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a spinal tap performed with a boat hook. Netrothea's popularity waned as
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more and more places of vastly inferior quality were either discovered or
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created. When these new, modern, haunts-for-the-very-sick hit the market,
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old establishments (like Netrothea) were doomed. The Netrothean government
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tried to boost tourist trade by offering 'Club Mud' vacations to
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Netrothea's famous 'Bile Bog', but it was to no avail.]
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Martin: I can't even enjoy misery, I hate this place too.
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Rod: Quiet!
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Xaphod: Lets go over there.
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(Arnold Lint and crew make their way around the 20 foot wide trees, past
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the 40 foot tall monolith, under the stop watch draped over the towel
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rack, and over the 10 foot diameter pimple. They finally arrive at a door
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set into the ground. A stuffed penguin stands by the door, on it's head is
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a button labeled "Ring for Verbal Abuse". Etched into the door are the
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words:
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"X = 101010 Copyrighted by Deep Thought, so bug off".)
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Arnold Lint:One-Zero-One-Zero-One-Zero? What does it mean?
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Xaphod: I don't know?
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Gillian: Should we press the button?
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Rod: Might as well.
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Xaphod: (Trying to open the door) Yah, the door's locked anyway.
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Arnold, why don't YOU press the button.
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Arnold Lint:Thank you very much, I think not.
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Martin: All right, I'll do it.
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(Martin presses the button, the door flies open, and a man pops out to
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great the Infinity crew. He is dressed in a business suit and sports a
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"Stupidity is it's own reward" button on his jacket.)
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Man: Well, what do you want you smelly, squirming insignificant
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vermin?
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Rod: We wanted to get in the door . . . who are you?
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Man: Oh, I'm Flarg Brittashik, awfully nice to meet you.
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Xaphod: (Confused) You're names' what?
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Flarg: FLARG BRITTASHIK, what are deaf as well as stupid? What a
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bunch of mindless, horrific oafs!
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Arnold Lint:Look you, just let us in the door and then push off!!
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Flarg: Why didn't you say so, follow me.
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(Flarg descends down the stairs, the rest follow. The stairs form a
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spiral, with a half-gainer twist, descending at an incredible rate to the
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interior of Netrothea. The stairway is lit by the glow from halibut fished
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out of the sea around the nearby nuclear power plant.)
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Rod: Where are we going?
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Flarg: WHERE ARE WE GOING?! What a perfectly stupid question. We're
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obviously going down you sickening, malodorous pervert!
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Gillian: Do you realize that you're insulting us, and then the next
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moment being polite to us?
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Flarg: Oh, am I? I hadn't noticed.
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Rod: Well it's bloody annoying, mate.
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Flarg: Well, tough rocko's if I do, you wiper of other people's
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behinds!
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[The act of wiping other peoples behinds, according to "The Hitch Hikers
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Guide to the Net", was once considered a quite honorable profession in
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certain areas of the Net. In fact, many of the old regimes went so far as
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to have Royal Behind Wipers (or RBW's for those readers used to TLA's -
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three letter acronyms) whose sole task it was to walk around behind his
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or her appointed monarch with toilet paper in hand and perform the
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specified duty. Although this may seem an unpopular job, the pay was quite
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good. As such, positions as Royal 'Pooper Scoopers' were often granted
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based on tournaments. These tournaments resembled the earth's olympics
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except for two facets. First, all events (actually, they only lasted for
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one event) were fought to the death. And second, any event thought up had
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to involve the creative use of human excrement. ]
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Martin: You know, I would have thought any place as awful as this
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might have been amusing to me. But it's just as bad as the
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rest of the Net. Good thing I'm just an android and don't
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have to ponder the reasons why the Net is as it is. I can just
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be content knowing that it can only get worse.
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Xaphod: One more word out of you, and I'll go at your memory banks
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with a chain saw!!!
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******************** End Of Part 5 ********************
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What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find in Netrothea? Will
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Flarg Brittashik insult them to distraction? Or are they already
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distracted? Will Xaphod end up doing a lumber jack-job on Martin's memory
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banks? In the off chance of being told the answers to these, and other,
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ad-libed questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . .
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same Net-channel.
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danielle
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