143 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
143 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
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==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
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Episode 4 - E.C. (The Extra Commercial)
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(Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are on their way to Netrothea.
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They have successfully escaped both the Flamers and the Singles.)
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Xaphod: How much longer till we reach Netrothea?
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Martin: Too soon.
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Rod: Quiet!
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Gillian: I can't wait to get there!
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Arnold Lint:I'm just glad we're still in one piece.
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Martin: It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it?
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(All of a sudden, a blinding light fills the bridge of the Infinity. When
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the light fades, a small, sickeningly adorable creature is revealed. He is
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wearing a cap which says "I'm cute, buy me!")
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Gillian: What's that?
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Xaphod: That's E.C. - the Extra Commercial!
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Arnold Lint:The what?
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Rod: The Extra Commercial. The most commercialized being since
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Santa Claus!
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["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Santa Claus as a being from
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Pluto who suffered severe brain damage when his space ship crashed on
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earth. Every year the silly old twit tries to fly an old sleigh and a
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flock of equally stupid reindeer back to Pluto. Unfortunately, his reverse
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gravity modulator is not 100 percent so he never quite gets out of Earth's
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orbit. This is just as well as the jerk lost all his deep space gear. Many
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people on earth have mistaken the boxes of Kentucky Fried Chicken he
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carries on his unlikely space craft (as rations for the trip to Pluto) for
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presents to be distributed to children. In actuality, the only reason Fred
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Glarn (his real name) ever climbs down chimneys is because he is totally
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wasted on Selurian Brandy and he is merely looking for a likely spot to
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sleep it off. (Why else would his nose always be red?).]
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Xaphod: I've never met E.C. before, I always though he was just some
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massive advertising ploy.
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Gillian: (To E.C.) Hello, I'm Gillian.
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E.C.: (In a heavy New York - Jewish accent) Oy vey, vhat a trip.
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Say goylie, you're cute.
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Xaphod: Huh?
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E.C.: Don't call me E.C., it's a meshugina name. My real name is
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Phil Moskowitz.
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Arnold Lint:Phil Moskowitz?
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Phil: Yes!, Vhat did you expect - Ricardo Montalban?
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Rod: You're the Extra Commercial?
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Phil: Don't laugh, my brother Saul owns Jordache Jeans!
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["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" states that the Jordache Jeans
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Company was actually a very clever marketing ploy by the makers of
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Preparation H. It was their intention to boost the sales of their rectal
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paraphernalia by inducing Americans to stuff their gludius maximus into
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overly confined garments. The ploy did not succeed.]
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Gillian: What are you doing here?
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Phil: I'm on my vay to the Net Christmas Special. This year it's
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being hosted by Johnny Arson and Bud McMolson. Vhen you're a
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purely commercial item like me, you have to travel a lot.
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Xaphod: But you're Jewish, what are you doing on a Christmas special?
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Phil: Believe me, it vasn't my idea. Some people out there actually
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think I'm Christ reborn. I knew a kid in Brooklyn name Jesus
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Martinez, but that's as close as I ever got. Anyvay, I'm hot
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right now in the market, so I go on any show they can get me
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on.
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Arnold Lint:That's unbelievable! How'd you get started in the business?
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Phil: Vell, I tell ya'. One day I'm sitting there, eating a lox on
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rye, and some movie man comes up to me and says: "I'm gonna
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make you are star". Next thing I know I'm in some nutso movie
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vith a bunch of little kids. I hate little kids. No sooner
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does the movie hit the screens than there are E.C. video
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games, clothing, silverware, contraceptives, books, posters,
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and kinky undergarments. You name it and I was on it. Then
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came the TV shows and all the publicity events - I actually
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cut the ribbon on the Jimmy Carter Memorial Brothel and Pro
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Shop! Then I had to appear at the opening of "Nukes are Us" -
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a store for budding nuclear powers.
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Xaphod: Wow, that's wild.
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Phil: Vell, I gotta run.
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Gillian: Bye!
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(The bright light once again fills the bridge, it fades and E.C. is gone.)
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Arnold Lint:That was incredible!
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Martin: If you say so!
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Rod: Quiet!
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Xaphod: Well, we're here . . . Netrothea!
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Martin: Oh joy and yummies.
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******************** End Of Part 4 ********************
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What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find on Netrothea? For
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the answer to this spine-tingling question . . . Tune in next time . . .
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same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. Also, be sure not to miss the BIG
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NET CHRISTMAS SPECIAL starring Johnny Arson, Bud McMolson, Richard
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Nixon, Barry Manilow, Richard Simmons, and Teddy the Wonder Lizard.
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danielle
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