201 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
201 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
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==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
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Episode 3 - The Singularans
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(Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are trying to decide what to do
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now that they are being faced by the deadly Singularans.)
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Xaphod: Oh wow, just when we got past the Flamers, we have to run into
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the 'Singles'. The Illogical drive won't work this time.
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Rod: No, and neither will evasive actions. They all talk that way!
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Gillian: What will we do then?
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Arnold Lint:I'll tell you . . . we're all going to die.
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Xaphod: Shut your cake-hole!
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Martin: I tried to tell you this trip would be a real downer, but
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would you listen?
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Rod: Quiet!
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Xaphod: I guess we should see what they want.
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(Xaphod switches on the two way video telecommunicator and RadaRange. The
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face of the Singularan captain appears on the screen. He is a normal
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human wearing a T-shirt which says: "Have you ever really listened to
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Manilow?" He is also sporting glow in the dark pants and 10 pounds of
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silver and gold chains around his neck.)
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Singularan: Hey, like I'm Dirk Thawtphull. We were cruising by and saw
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your node. Interested in some meaningful relationships, free
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from the moral depravity that otherwise infects the net.
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Xaphod: Well, I kind of like depravity.
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Rod: Yah, me too.
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Dirk: Wow, you'd love our S & M encounter group then, fershure!
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Arnold Lint:Your what?
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Dirk: S & M encounter group. We get together twice a week and
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exchange recipes and beatings.
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Arnold Lint:How could a group like that command such a strong node?
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Xaphod: Well, the sudden popularity of Jogging induced widespread
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adoption of the principles of Single-ism. The subsequent rise
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of the sport of 'Joggering' reduced the numbers of Singularans
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to normal size. It appears that they may be making a come back
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though.
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[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines 'Joggering' as a sport
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originated in Australia to combat the sudden drop in productivity caused
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by having everybody jogging. Australian champion Bruce Karnage describes
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the sport: "Well, there is a different way of catching both male and
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female joggers. If it's a male, you flush him out into the open with
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cigarette smoke, then chase him down in your 4 x 4 Land Rover. When he's
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tired, bump him with the fender to stun him momentarily. Then get out and
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with your driver pick him up by all fours and run him head-first into the
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side of the truck. If it's a female, bait a likely spot with designer
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jogging wear and then wait for a flock to arrive. When one becomes
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interested, sneak up behind her, very quietly. Then when you are about two
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feet away, and you can see the sun dancing on her richly tanned flesh
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caressing her well toned figure into a visual symphony of delight, split
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her skull with a handy two-by-four. It's a lovely sport!" The sport later
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became known as 'Walkmaning'.]
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Rod: We were on our way to Netrothea to pick up some ... uh ...
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fuel, yah that's it.
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Dirk: Well, we've got plenty of fuel, come on over and we'll let you
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have it.
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Xaphod: No, it's OK.
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Dirk: I insist!
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(The Singularan ship lets out a pink and purple polka-dot ray that engulfs
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the Infinity. Arnold Lint and company find themselves in a room on the
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Singularan ship. It is decorated right out off the floor of a K-Mart.
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K-Tel's "Feelings" album is playing "You light up my existence" in the
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background, on the ceiling is a gigantic mirror, and in one corner is a
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gigantic mood-bean-bag chair.)
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Gillian: How awful!
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Martin: Actually, I kind of like it, in a depressing sort of way.
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Rod: Quiet.
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Arnold Lint:Where are we.
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Dirk: You're aboard the Singularan vessel "Sincerity". You will
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remain here until you learn to develop meaningful
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relationships over the Net. Meaningful relationships based on
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honesty, truth, and having nothing to do with physical
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appearance. Relationships which will grow as you and your
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partner, or partners, share, or don't share, things you have,
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or don't have, in common. You will learn how to have every
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other sentence include the words 'special' or 'meaningful
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relationship'.
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Xaphod: If he says "meaningful relationship" once more I'll have to
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pray to the porcelain buddha.
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Rod: Sickening, isn't it.
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Dirk: Right, enough of this. Wait here and we'll start programming
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you for meaningful relationships.
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(Xaphod bends over a nearby table and vomits, the 12" CRT on his shoulder
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starts scrolling "Uuuggghhh")
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Gillian: What did you mean about "programming" us?
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Dirk: We'll have to make you compatible with the environment and
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take away all your inhibitions when discussing your personal
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life on the Net. You'll be subjected to countless sessions
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watching repeats of "The Dating Game", "The Newlywed Game",
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and "Celebrity Wife Swapping". And that's only Stage 1!
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[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the three old earth
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TV shows just mentioned were actually the basis for a huge
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inter-conglomerate stock monopolizing scheme started by The Phone Company.
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The questions asked on these shows were actually coded messages issued by
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The Phone Company to the conglomerates it was working with. These messages
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told the associated conglomerates about which stocks to buy based on
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information gained by The Phone Company by listening in on the phones of
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important companies. The client corporations paid The Phone Company 1
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million dollars for each such message. The seemingly idiotic contestants
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were, more often than not, government agents trying to break The Phone
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Company's code. Chuck Barris, the originator of the shows, was later found
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to be a financial genius, rivaled only by Howard Hughes.]
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Rod: We gotta get put of here!
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Xaphod: Yah.
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Rod: You know what really gets Singularans put off? Rudeness and
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crudeness!
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Arnold Lint:What?
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Rod: Rudeness, if we act real crude and rude, they'll beg us to
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leave!
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Xaphod: Great, let's try it!
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(Dirk returns with three gorgeous women and one well built female model
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android.)
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Rod: (To the first girl) Wow, look at that pair!
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Xaphod: (To the second girl) That's a lovely grab!
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Rod: (To the third girl) OK love, drop 'em!
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Martin: (To the female android) I wave my private parts toward
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approximate vector coordinates.
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Gillian: (To Dirk) Say Dirk, if you get some Saran-Wrap and chicken
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wire, I'll get the honey and the plunger.
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Dirk: Get out of here you disgusting filthly maladjusted perverts!
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(The three women and one android exit with great haste. The crew of the
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Infinity is beamed back to their node.)
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Dirk: Good riddens. Put on the flip side of "Feelings" and pass the
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cheese dip. It's their loss, for only we know what true
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meaningful relationships are. Only we know the feeling of
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wholeness that comes from showing, or not showing, what one
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feels, or doesn't feel, with someone special we care about. We
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aren't hung up on physical things, we are spiritualists. At
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least, that's what we tell everyone else.
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Xaphod: Right, now on to Netrothea, nothing can stop us now.
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******************** End Of Part 3 ********************
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Will the crew of the Infinity reach Netrothea, or will Nothing stop them?
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For the answers to this, and other useless questions . . . Tune in next
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time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
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danielle
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