61 lines
2.8 KiB
Plaintext
61 lines
2.8 KiB
Plaintext
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How to Build Your Own Transporter
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-Suprise friends !
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-Great gag at parties ! (beats the lampshade bit)
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-No more car.
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That's right. Transporter technology has finally been accomplished in
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the Twentieth Century. Now this project may be costly...but it's well worth
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it. First obtain the items on this list:
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Bill of Materials
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-Microwave Oven
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-Telephone Booth
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-2 Large Potatoes
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-1 Clean Cut Dilithium Crystal (or rock candy will do)
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-2 ounces Antimatter (or 3 pounds of Chernobl's finest coffee
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beans. Sufficiently ground them up and add 8 drops nitric acid)
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-5 Feet Coaxial Cable
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-Transporter Circuit No. 5 (check Radio Shack)
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-Television Satellite Dish
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-Transtator Recording Disc No. 8 (If can't find in Radio Shack then
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take 2 Frisbees and tape a microphone in between them.)
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-Jumper Cables and a "AA battery"
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-Elmers Glue
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-A firm belief if God and the afterlife (a little transporter humor there)
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Construction :
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--------------
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My methodof construction and supplies is a bit cursory so if the following
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does not sound too safe, I recommend Transporter Chief Kyle's book on Atom
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Displacment. Okey-Dokey, here we go. After the successful acquisition of a
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telephone booth, disassemble the microwave oven casing and readjust it to
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fit the interior of the booth. Implant the transtator to the satellite
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dish. It is now safe to connect the microwave power pack to Transporter
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Circuit No. 5. Glue the dilithium crystal to the leads of the transporter
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circuit. Now glue ONE and only one potato to the other end of the dilithium
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crystal. This part is crucial for two potatoes would generate an overabundant
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piezoelectric effect which would induce a meltdown known as the China
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Syndrome. Let's just say it would NOT be a pretty sight. Leave the second
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potato for an emergency. With STEADY hands, create an 8 normal solution of
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antimatter (brew the coffee beans for 5 hours 32 minutes and 12 seconds).
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Soak the AA batery in the solution for two days. Remove gently and wash
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hands as antimatter may irritate the skin (see caution on bottom). Connect
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the battery to the potato with the jumper cables. You now have a transporter.
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Unfortunately this is primitive and an atomic receival device is required.
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I have not yet figured out this crucial half in the mechanism although I do
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know it involves a sewing machine and two tons of raw flesh. (Hey it worked
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for Frankenstein) Well, good luck (and good riddens...just kidding again).
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*Caution- Since 1 ounce of antimatter has been documented to rip away a
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whole planets atmosphere...2 ounces may be harmful to your health
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and possibly lethal. Contact with eyes or skin may irrtate and if
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swallowed...alert poison control and bomb squad. (Antimatter has
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been linked with cancer in lab animals.)
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Rigel < 72417,2110 >
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