156 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
156 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
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Troubleshooting Your New Stereo
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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P. Harris
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Problem Probable Cause Remedy
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
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and turn socket on
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Not turned on Turned off Turn on.
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Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
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a real stereo.
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Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
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sound
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Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.
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Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.
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Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
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no aerial record on deck, place
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stylus on record.
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Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
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with `Hells Bells' by
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ACDC set volume to
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ten, place stylus
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on record.
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Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
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or learn to say `eh?'
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Don't understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buy
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what all the lights gramophone and retrieve
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are for HMV 78.
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Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10
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small and hole too pound send it to me
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big for spindle else check for CD player
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on stereo if there is
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one, insert into CD
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player and set volume
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to ten.
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No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or
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stop buying CDs.
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Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three.
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set to ten
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CDs don't fit in Haven't got a car CD player Buy car CD player,
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car stereo place CD in player and
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set volume to ten.
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Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back
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set too high to shop - it would
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have been stolen
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anyway!
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CDs don't fit in car Car stereo only plays tapes Tape CDs.
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stereo
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Don't understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buy
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automatic sequencing gramophone and
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compact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78.
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media instant audio
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transposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone else
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wacko editing just do it by hand
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commands like you used to.
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Reel to reel tapes You're still wearing Remove flares and
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don't fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape.
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deck Attatch sign saying
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`Outdated Hippy' to
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forehead, place
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Tchaikovsky's 1812
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overture in CD player
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skip first 6 minutes
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place head between
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speakers and set
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volume to ten.
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Profound deafness Placing head between None.
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with persistent speakers with volume set
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tinilus to ten whilst listening
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cannon detonations.
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Other Problems
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Does not show Not a television Buy sex pistols album
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Coronation Street place on deck, place
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stylus on record and
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set volume to ten.
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Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital and
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in with a brick loud music learn to eat through
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a straw.
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Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and or
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you left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.
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Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwave
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CDs melt during play, rip glass and metal
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only a buzz comes grille from door look
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from stereo inside and turn on.
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Egg on face Stupidity None.
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Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriend
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in bed from mains and take
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tape from her lips.
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Plug in Stereo and
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turn on girlfriend.
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Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridge
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causes a little door.
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click, but does
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not play recently
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purchased Paul
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Simon album
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Light in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder!
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does not go out completely
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