78 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
78 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
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Most people who have ever watch a cop show are familiar with the Miranda
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warning. This is the one that starts out with "You have the right to remain
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silent..." Following are suggested "improvements" on the standard Miranda
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warning that have come from the rank and file of police officers nationwide.
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The first is a reprint of an article that appeared as satire in a police
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newsletter, written by a deputy with the San Diego Co. Sheriff's Office. The
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second is an old standby, author unknown.
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VERSION ONE:
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It was learned today in the State Capitol that the Supreme Court has rewritten
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the Miranda warning which must be read to all persons arrested in California.
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This new warning was amended to protect criminals from being treated too nicely
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by kind policemen.
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The Supreme Court also made it clear that being overly friendly and civil to
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violent criminals would result in criminal prosecution under the newly
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established Penal Code 142(y). In addition, the interrogating officer(s) could
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be held civilly liable if the criminal could show that an act of kindness led
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to his confession.
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The Justices also stated that any display of emotion by police, such as tears,
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would be grounds for immediate dismissal. The Justices wrote, in part"...even
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if the acts committed by the poor, downtrodden, socially mistreated miscreant
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would be enough to make a coroner puke."
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The new Miranda warning is reprinted here for your general enlightenment.
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THE NEW IMPROVED MIRANDA WARNING
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Officer: "Hey, Dirtbag!" (this is to be sure that the alleged criminal is
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paying attention. It also establishes your unfriendliness towards him.)
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Criminal: "Go fuck yourself!" (This will suffice as a proper response when
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clearly articulated in your report - it established reciprocal unfriendliness.)
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Officer: 1. "You have the right to remain silent, talk, or make obscene
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gestures. Just don't spit on my uniform."
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2. "If you give up the right to remain silent, it won't matter. Any attorney
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worth his salt will get your statement suppressed."
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3. "You have the right to speak with the attorney of your choice before
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questioning and to have the attorney present during questioning. A book
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listing every attorney in the known free world, as well as a Lear Jet to fly
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him to your side, is available."
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4. "If you cannot afford an attorney, one, or even several, will be appointed
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by the court prior to any questioning, if you so desire. The high-priced
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attorney, or attorneys, will not cost you anything, as their expenses and fees
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will be paid for by your victims."
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5. "Please remember that I am not your friend. Every cop is your enemy. Only
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the Supreme Court likes you."
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6. "Should this be a particularly newsworthy offense, a literary agent will be
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appointed for you. He will negotiate the book and film rights to your crime
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for a mere 10 percent of the proceeds."
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7. (Question) "Okay, Fishlips! Do you understand each of these rights I have
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explained to you, or was I going too fast?" (This is your last opportunity to
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establish your aura of unfriendliness.)
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8. (Question) "Having these rights in mind, do you wish to say anything that
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the Supreme Court can use to reverse your conviction?"
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VERSION TWO:
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1. "You have the right to swing first. Should you elect to swing first,
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anything you do can and will be used as an excuse to beat the shit out of you."
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2. "You have the right to have a physician and a priest present. Should you
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not be attending the church of your choice, one will be appointed for you prior
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to the start of the festivities."
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3. "Do you understand what I just told you, asshole?"
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