107 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
107 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
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From: dwallach@ultra.com (Dan Wallach)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: male bathroom rules
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Date: 27 Aug 90 23:30:05 GMT
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[We thought of this late one night...]
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A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM
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Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
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structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These
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have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes,"
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"men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive
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organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the
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door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to
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maintain a sense of order and dignity.
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General rules:
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1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
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an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
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2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissable, but absolutely don't
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spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping
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is only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around.
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3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
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4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
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keep looking around. Read grafitti.
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Grafitti rules:
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5. All grafitti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace
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your grafitti back to you, don't do it.
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6. Writing grafitti in the open section of the bathroom is only
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acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
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acceptable.
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7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
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ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small
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few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
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secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
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government may tend to use the bathroom, grafitti is forbidden.
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8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
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Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely
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placed. Homosexual grafitti is generally frowned upon but is
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gaining popularity.
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9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
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10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by
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the management of the bathroom.
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Urinal rules:
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11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
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outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side,
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then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
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For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
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X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
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X.....X
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X..X..X
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X.X.X.X
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XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
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XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
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XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
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12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't
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know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
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13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange.
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At this point, flushing is mandatory.
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14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
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urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
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Toilet rules:
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15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
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16. Always flush.
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17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
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Special cases:
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18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
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for dealing with the females.
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a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
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b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
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c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
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are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to
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ignore her presense until you're dressed again.
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19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only
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if absolutely no other option is available.
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20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
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available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
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invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin.
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Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or
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insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet
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paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes
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a poor substitute.
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============
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