57 lines
3.0 KiB
Plaintext
57 lines
3.0 KiB
Plaintext
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(Voice-Over) "Pat Robertson speaks out for Anal Retention sufferers."
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(Three-quarter shot of Pat) "Hello, I'm not an uptight conservative
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televangelist, but I play one on TV. And I'd like to talk to you about........
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Anal Retention.
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"Do you, like millions of others across this great land of ours, suffer from
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Anal Retention? Do you get a queasy feeling when someone mentions a phrase like
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'welfare reform', or 'AIDS research', or 'Peace and have a nice day, dude'?
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Does your colon twist into knots at the thought of taking prayer out of
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schools, or saving the rainforests, or placing higher taxes on the upper class?
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Do you find yourself unable to move your bowels for several days after watching
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an episode of 'Roseanne'? If so then you, like so many other people in this
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wonderful nation we live in, suffer from Anal Retention. And if you feel the
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same way as me, you know that it's enough to make any decent hardworking
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patriotic heterosexual God-fearing Protestant white man sick up his Cream of
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Wheat, don't you?
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"That's why the lab technicians at the GOP Medical Research Facility came up
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with this--(holds up a small bottle)--Liberal Away. That's right, just a few
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doses of Liberal Away can kill those harmful germs that cause liberalism and
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protect decent hardworking patriotic heterosexual God-fearing Protestant white
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men--and gals, heh heh--from the agonies of severe Anal Retention. Here's how
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it works:
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"Just a few drops of Liberal Away on your clothing in the morning sends out
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powerful anti-pheromones that drive even the most dogged liberals far away from
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you. When you encounter a liberal during the day who has a cold or a
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dysfunctional nose--as you know so many of Them do--just hire someone to lace
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their food with Liberal Away and they'll be sporting Jesse Helms for President
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bumper stickers within the week. At night, you can even sprinkle
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Liberal Away generously around your bed, just in case one of those pinko-
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commie-hippie-yuppie-beatnik-queers decides to break into your house and steal
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all your Slim Whitman albums. Liberal Away has been tested extensively all over
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Central America and on most U.S. military bases, and has been proven
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to fight the effects of liberalism and Anal Retention time and again.
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"So won't you order your supply of Liberal Away today, and help us put
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this fine, decent hardworking patriotic semi-heterosexual God-fearing
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oughtta-be-all-Protestant and all-white country back on its feet again? Thank
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you, and God bless."
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(Voice-Over) "To order your supply of Liberal Away and stop the pain of
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Anal Retention, just send a check or money order for $19.95 to:
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"THE COMMITTEE TO KEEP REPUBLICANS IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOREVER
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P.O. Box 123-995
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Salt Lake City, Utah 13120
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"Or call toll-free 1-800-466-6324. That's 1-800-IM-NOFAG
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"Offer good thru Election Year '96, void where prohibited by pinko-
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commie-hippie-yuppie-beatnik-queers"
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LIBERAL AWAY--YOUR WEAPON AGAINST ANAL RETENTION
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