34 lines
1.8 KiB
Plaintext
34 lines
1.8 KiB
Plaintext
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The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
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"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice.
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"No," said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course,
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of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
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I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore:
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This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
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Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
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Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
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This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
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The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
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The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
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If broken or busted, it cannot be remade."
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"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
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strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
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reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
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artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
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moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
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Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
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entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
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sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
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"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
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"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy."
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It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
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laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
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thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
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nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
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for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
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Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
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under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
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icepacks.
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