113 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
113 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
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In this day and age of overcrowding, ballpark traitors, and local unemployment
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The Group Opposed to Harboring Movers from the East (G.O. H.O.M.E.) has come up
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With a few guidelines concerning our best interests in the name of civic pride.
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The reason for these guidelines stems from our intense desire to rid ourselves o
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YOU, YOUR attitudes, YOUR lifestyle, YOUR blatant anti-westernism, and YOUR
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smelly new york black socks! You people move out here, live here two weeks, and
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think you own the place.
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G.O. H.O.M.E. hates:
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YOUR 'I LOVE NEW YORK' stickers
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Being in a traffic jams because YOU moved here.
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Not being able to get a job because YOU already stole it.
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YOUR insults about how much you hate L.A.
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YOUR boo's of OUR sports teams at OUR ballparks
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YOUR renaming of OUR places and things (long island ice tea,
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Manhattan beach, New York cheesecake etc.)
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And YOUR dirty, ugly, yellow license plates.
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If you still insist on remaining here the following guidelines must be
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strictly observed. These guidelines apply to anyone who moved to Southern
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California from the east. The east is defined as those geographical locations
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that have:
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a) an unemployment rate greater than ten percent
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b) snow on at least 52.7 percent of the ground between November 1 and May 1.
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c) a ratio of people to steel mills less than 6000 to 1.
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Exceptions: None (unless your my friend)
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The Guidelines are divided into five areas:
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I. General
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II. Employment
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III. Commerce
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IV. Transportation
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V. Residential
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I. General
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a) All easterners will be issued I.D. cards that must be carried with
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them at all times. Armbands and matching tatoos will be worn at all times.
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The armbands and tatoos will be color coded of the source state (e.g.
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Pennsylvania-coal black, Idaho- potato head brown, New York-puke gutter
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gray)
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b) Alien Level Points (ALP) can be earned. These points are graduated
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such that a higher accumulation results in higher alien status. Briefly,
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there are four levels:
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Level 1 Trash 0 - 1000
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Level 2 Unwanted 1001 - 5000
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Level 3 Alien 5001 - 10000
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Level 4 Paroled over 10000
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All easterners start out as Trash. A complete list of the methods for
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point earning can be obtained in G.O. H.O.M.E. 's pamphlet entitled 'Why
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Bother Reading This, Just Go Home'. Here are a few examples and values:
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Burn a Yankee Cap 1 point
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Shove a cigar in Red Aurbachs face 50 points
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Provide the permanent exit of 1 easterner 100 points
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II. Employment
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a) Easterners with Paroled level may not occupy any employment position
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associated with an income of more than $4.00 per hour.
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b) Any level below that of Paroled will not be granted employment.
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III. Commerce
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a) Easterners will not be permitted to own or obtain stock in any
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California franchise
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b) Commercial depots are to be set up for the bartering of goods amongst
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Easterners. Bread rations are available when all the native animals are
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fed.
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IV. Transportation
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a) No easterner of any level will be permitted to use any freeways between
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the hours of 6 to 9 am and 4 to 7 pm weekdays.
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b) When the time is not during those above mentioned hours easterners must
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travel in the far right lane, roll their windows all the way down and
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tailgate:
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i) a diesel automobile or RTD bus
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ii) a vehicle that is burning massive quantities of oil.
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V. Residential
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a) Highrent housing is available right near the beach, underneath the
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takeoff end of LAX.
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b) More moderately priced reservations are available in a location halfway
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between Barstow and Thermal (summer only). G.O. H.O.M.E. wants it to be
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known that these are only guidelines. It remains perfectly legal, for
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example, to pummel a Californians fist with an easterners face. These
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situations come up every now and then.
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Certain parts of our major cities are off limits to easterners. However,
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Californians encourage easterners to visit our most prominent sites such as
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Watts Heights and Barrio Hills. I'm sure we'll get along just fine.
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C.O.1985
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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