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6.9 KiB
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186 lines
6.9 KiB
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The New, Improved National Enquirer (Electronic Edition)
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Conceived by Griffin the Black... uploaded to the 5th Precinct (502) 245-8270
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The National Enquirer (Electronic Edition) April, 1985 Volume 43234
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Largest Subscription of Any Paper in America, But Rapidly Losing Readers
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NEWS FLASH! Carol Burnett, famous actress, has been seen in the vicinity of
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Harlem... according to our sources, she was selling food stamps to local drug
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dealers, pimps, and anyone who happened to come by that drove something better
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than a Ford Maverick... * Editor's Note: Carol Burnett denies any of this ever
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happening, just as she previously denied that she got drunk at a party! She
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sued us over that, and she's suing us again just over a harmless article. Won't
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she ever leave the truthful journalists alone?
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Did you know about our famous jelly-bean diet plan? Yes! With this amazing
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new diet, you can eat jelly-beans and lose up to 50 (count them... 50) pounds a
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day! We know, it's a tad hard to believe, but believe us, it works! Have we
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ever lied before? To order this spectacular new plan (which, by the way,
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includes jelly-beans) write us:
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The National Enquirer
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P.O. Box -32767
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Trevose, PA 99999
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Enclose a check or money order for $29.95. (Don't bother to give us your
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address, our staff psychic will get it for us!)
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In the do-it-yourself column this month, we will give you a step-by-step guide
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on how to make your very own artificial limb! It makes a great conversation
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piece, and will go nicely with the decor in any household. Here's what you do:
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<Step 1> First, go to your local Bacons department store (Byck's will also do,
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but they generally have smaller stores... you don't want to be easily noticed).
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While no one is looking, steal a manakin from the clothes department. If
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someone notices you doing this, just tell them you're a maintenance person for
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the store and the manakin needs repairing. They believe it every time.
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<Step 2> Once you have the manakin, take it to the restroom in the store
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(hopefully, you're doing this in a mall... if not, and the place doesn't have a
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restroom, you better take that manakin back and lay low for a while)! Once you
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get it there, take its clothing off. If the clothing happens to be your size,
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you can wear it as a souvenir of your little theft. A note to all you sex-
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starved people, PLEASE don't try to do kinky things with the thing... you won't
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get much out of it!
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<Step 3> Unscrew one of the manakin's limbs... depending on your preferance,
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you may want an arm or a leg; either one is fine. After you remove the limb of
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your choice, hide it on your person and leave the store; if people look at you
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strangely, just say, "You have a nice day too!" and keep on walking.
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<Step 4> Once you are home, you will need to get out your trusty Echo chainsaw
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(a Weed-Eater will do if you're a leper). Start it up, and cut off the type of
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limb on your body that you stole from the manakin... if you want to hang the
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manakin's limb on your wall, but you've already done this step, I'm afraid you
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are out of luck. * Editor's Note: Some people have complained of severe (often
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fatal) bleeding while performing this project... we at the 'Enquirer are NOT to
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be held responsible!
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<Step 5> Attach the phony limb from the dummy, and take yours that you cut off
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to a taxidermist... have it stuffed, and keep it to show to your grandkids. If
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the artificial limb doesn't want to stick to the severed place, try applying a
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little Krazy-Glue to the area and stick it on. If it doesn't stick then, you
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better get used to people calling you "Stubby"...
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This completes our do-it-yourself project for the month. Hope you had fun!
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Any comments or suggestions can be left to the following address. These will be
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printed in the letters column, immediately following this section.
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Send your feedback to:
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Do-It-Yourselfer
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C/O Mational Enquirer
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P.O. Box -32766
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Trevose, PA 99999
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* Letters Column *
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Dear Do-It-Yourselfer,
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I've had some problems with my artificial eye that we built from the June,
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1984 column. For some reason, I can't see out of it... any ideas? Maybe it's
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because I used a super-ball out of a gum machine instead of a glass ball.
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--R.L.
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-Dear R.L.,
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Yes, the differences in the balls will affect your vision out of that eye.
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If you can't seem to get it to work, try inserting a light bulb. -Editor
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Dear Do-It-Yourselfer,
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My wife is missing, following a short outing around Pluto in the spaceship
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described in the January, 1981 column. I tried building another one, but I
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couldn't steal the necessary parts from NASA... can you help me?
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--A.K.
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-Dear A.K.,
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You should be glad your wife is missing! Most men would jump for joy that the
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old nag has left.. you got a problem or something? -Editor
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Dear Do-It-Yourselfer,
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The new breed of algae I created using your DNA destroyer in the October, 1983
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column is running rampid around my house... it's invaded our water system,
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infested our garden, and is currently joining forces with termites in plotting a
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final assault on our home! Is there anything that can stop this?!?
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--Angry
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-Dear "Angry",
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Feed it some school cafeteria food, or give it a Dalkon shield to play with.
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If that doesn't stop it, try putting it in your microwave; however, this runs
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the risk of creating an even more dangerous strain... be careful! -Editor
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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| Advertisement |
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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| Tired of only getting |
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| up to 250% of the RDA |
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| of vitamins in your |
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| vitamin suppliments? |
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| Well, we have an |
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| answer to your pro- |
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| blem! Try the *NEW* |
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| SUPERDUPERHYPERULTRA5 |
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| Formula! It contains |
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| 4000% of the RDA of |
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| the following vita- |
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| mins: A,B,C,D,E,F,G, |
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| H,I,J,K,Z,ZZ,KKK,XXX, |
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| JA, and many, many |
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| more! So what if it |
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| is as big as a base- |
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| ball? Order yours |
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| today! Send $19.95 |
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| to: Vitamax Inc. |
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| 9999 Leeds Road |
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| Moosejaw, CANADA |
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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-=* And so ends our Electronic Edition of the National Enquirer. Have fun! *=-
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NEXT MONTH: Special guest interviews with the ghosts of Elvis, Jimi Hendrix,
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|||
|
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and Martin Luther King Jr.; a new, chocolate mousse diet plan; where to buy good
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|||
|
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cocaine; where to purchase an Apple //x today; and 30000 ways to prepare dog
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meat.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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