87 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
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From gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu Tue Apr 4 18:30:04 1989
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Flags: 000000000001
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From: gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu (Gabe M Wiener)
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Subject: Los Angeles Times
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Keywords: true, chuckle
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Date: 4 Apr 89 23:30:04 GMT
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The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L.A. Times:
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--------
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Los Angeles Times -- Intra-Office Correspondence
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To members of the Times staff:
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Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain
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economy measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the
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duration of the difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct
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the imbalance more quickly.
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Starting immediately:
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--The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
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economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints
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on pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel &
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motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for
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distribution.
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--Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room;
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for propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by
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night. In case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above
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the rank of assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate.
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--When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from
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hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have
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been discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping
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on benches and sidewalks.
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--All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for
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new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages
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filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever
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possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items
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will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided
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when old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder
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batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert
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batteries in tape recorder.
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--Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under
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extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your
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department secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can
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petition orally or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps.
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--To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the
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newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can
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obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others
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are encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work
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--When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged
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to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable.
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--To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales
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program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program -- will be
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instituted. Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by
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employees in the course of their other duties i.e., reporters traveling
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around southern California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing
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division is preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times
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merchandise, and order books. These kits should be available by December 1,
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and will be distributed by your supervisor.
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--To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power
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will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time
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these to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.
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--The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees'
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ideas on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be
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rewarded with free meal passes to the company cafeteria.
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-----
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Gabe Wiener Columbia University
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
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