79 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
79 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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[ File Taken from Silicon Valley (504)-241-3452 10mBBS 300/1200 ]
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/-----------------------------------------------------------------------------\
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! The Most Bitchenest Car !
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| Written by: The Dead Kennedy & Count Floydd |
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! Silicon Valley..504-241-3452 10mBBS/AE/CF !
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Materials Needed:
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1 69 Chevy Nova or Equivelant
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50 cans TG&Y spray on Grey Primer
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1 Silver chain steering wheel
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1 Krako AM/FM receiver with Realistic cassete player
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1 Set of house speakers (no cabinet)
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12 feet of blue shag carpet
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1 Playboy air freshener
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20 feet of "dago balls"
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1 Bottle of household Bleach
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1 Pair of cheap, collapsable shades
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1 Set of assorted hubcaps
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1 Budweiser tapper
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1 Bandana
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1 Set of air shocks (the kind you can operate while driving)
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1 Eight ball
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10 feet of "do-it-yourself" pinstriping tape
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About $100 worth of little lights and swtiches from Radio Shack.
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1 joint
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Getting Started...
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Once you have obtained all or most of the above ingredients, then it's
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time to get to work on your "most awesomest car". First, take your spray primer
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and play Michael Angelo all over the hood, feners, roof, no matter what
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condition the car is already in. Next, rip out the existing steering wheel and
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replace it with your new "Chain Wheel". If you couldn't find one, a pair of
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bicycle handbars will do. Next, Rip out the stock stereo and sell it to some
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home boy for gas money. Replace it with your new Krako (available at a K-mart
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near you). When rewiring, be sure to use lots of tape, leave the radio on the
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hump with your cassette recorder next to it giving it the look of a real
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stereo. Take your home stereo speakers and hack them up with an axe. Remove the
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speakers and leave them in the back seat. Wire the whole baby up (running the
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wires along the roof, thus giving the car the look of a real recording studio).
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Remove the dash board, sun visors, and anything else you can possibly remove
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with a phillips head screwdriver. Staple the blue shag everywhere possible.
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Then take your "dago balls" and run them all around the roof of the car, along
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the edges of the seats, and on the pedals. Make the car look like a giant
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Mexican Sombrero. Install your air shocks thus giving you the ability to act
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like a mexican jumping bean at stop lights (very impressive). Place your
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air freshener around the rear view mirror (assuming you didn't knock it off
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with your screwdriver). Take the bandana (red, of course) tie it in a knot,
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and toss it on the rear view mirror (if it's been removed, simply wrap it
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around your head or thigh (if there's already one on your head)). Remove the
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stick shift knob and replace it with your eight ball (after drilling a hole
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in the bottom of it with your screwdriver). Take the Bud tapper and put it on
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the turn-signal bar. Now that the interior is perfected, It's time to finish
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the outside. Give it another coat of primer, and if there are no more places,
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try under the hood, windows, and anything else (including yourself) until all
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the cans are used up. Remove all existing hub caps and replace them with your
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new assorted pack (available at "Hubcap Annie's"). Now it's time for the real
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fun! Run the pinstripe around the car, never staying on the molding or in a
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straight line. Pop some more holes in the car (with your screwdriver) and fill
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them with little multi-colored lightbulbs. Put them in the mudflaps, trunk,
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license plate, and under the hood by the grill. And last but not least, get
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some christmas lights and run them around by your "dago balls". Now, put on
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your shades, bust up that doobie, crank it up and go! What? It won't start?
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What do you expect from a Nova. Sell this to some Afro-American and go buy
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yourself a real car!
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/-----------------------------------------------------------------------------\
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| The car described in the above file is purely fictional. If it does |
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! resemble your car, it's ugly! go buy yourself a decent car.. !
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| "I feel more like like I do now than I did when I started writing this" |
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! (C) 1986 by Maxwell's Comics Association !
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\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------/
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