134 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
134 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
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*********************************************
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* *
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* *
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* *
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* T.H.E A.R.T *
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* *
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* O.F *
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* *
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* T.H.E F.A.R.T *
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* *
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* *
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* *
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* *
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* --Braught to *
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* by.... T.G.T *
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* ___________________________________ *
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* I I *
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* I THE GUILD THIEVES I *
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* I___________________________________I *
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* *
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* *
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*********************************************
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I was first fascinated by the human FART one day in my math class.My teacher
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was finishing up his rather boring lecture on the Pythogorean theory.He was
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so enthralled with the topic that he totally ignored his body and at the
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end of the last statement gave a loud and raunchy smelling FART.( I later
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found out that it was called an exlamation fart.) The FART was so lude that
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the whole class withdrew towards the back of the room.I heard my friend
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jokingly say "What do you call that Mr.Moss!" That was the statement that
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excited me in the Art of the Fart.I will always remember my first intentional
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fart.A french FART to be exact.As soon as my but-cheeks spread and I heard the
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wisp leave my posterior a sensation ran through my body,a felling I will
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always remember a triumph I will tell my children.The rest of the day I spent
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FARTING around (literally).I have done much research on the FART and have
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taken the time to write it down to better clasify the FART.
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There are two types of FARTS I will refer to
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Class <1> Your Farts
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Class <2> Somebody else's Farts
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The ALARM FART: This is a good fart for the beginner.It is easy to identify
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--------------- It starts with a loud unnatural high note and ends with a
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quick downward note that stops before you expect it to.It
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sounds like something is wrong and will usually get you
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alarmed.If it happens to you you will know right away because
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of the nervouse feeling you will have
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The AMPLIFIED FART: This is any fart that gets is power more from being
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------------------- amplified than from the fart itself.A metal porch swing
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will amplify a fart every time as will a tin drum,a
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cardboard box etc. These are common farts under the right
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conditions
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The BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD: Like the great bal eagle, this fart is pretty
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------------------------------ well described by its name this can either be
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a group one or two.This fart is totally
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awe-inspiring.The first time I heard it was in
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a high school auditorium,right after the
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national anthem.After the fart the whole
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auditorium rose clapping.
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The CROWD FART: The crowd fart is distinguished by its very potent odor,
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--------------- strong enough to make quite a few people turn look around
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The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter
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This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and
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makes a caughing noise,or looks up to the ceiling as if
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something up there fascinates him.Verry common in the
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supermarket.
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The DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART: Very simply any fart in church,temple,or any
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---------------------------- place of worship.For fart watchers who go to
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this is a must to watch for as this is the only
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place it can occur.
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The ENGLISH FART: A very classy fart. The sound alone distinguishes it from
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----------------- all other farts.There are some who will say that this is a
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put-on accent,but that is silly.When it comes to farting
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goes around sounding like an Englishman.It happens or it
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doesnt.The sound it makes is a _THIP_.Sometimes it will go
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__THIP__THIP__.It is unmistakable.It is probably as proper
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and upper class as a fart can get.
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The EXCLAMATION FART: This is a punctuation fart.Timing is the whole thing
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--------------------- The farter,or someone,must be speaking.For instance
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the speaker will say "Ah shut up!" and then someone
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will fart a loud sharp fart.This is a true exclamation
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fart.If the speaker is also the farter he may delay
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it until just the right moment them force it for all
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he's worth <usualy causing an unwanted load in his
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pants>.Rare.
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The EXECUTIVE FART: A very loud fart by a very important person is an
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------------------- executive fart.It is either sharp or flat,somewhat off key
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but otherwise a very business like fart.No nonsense about
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it! but noone is supposed to notice.particularly the
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farter.If you do not laugh at the executive fart its
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either your afraid of the the person who farted or the
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fart was just to gross.Common with very important people
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The FRENCH FART: Said to be the most beautiful of farts.Usually in a minor key
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---------------- Soft and musical with many half tones.Any long drawn out fart
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that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart.
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Very Rare
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The STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART: This is one of the few farts that can bring
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------------------------------ tears to people's eyes and lumps to their
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throats and otherwise get them all stired up.
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The POO-POO FART: This is a fart by a very small kid.The kid farts and then
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----------------- says "go poo-poo now".and somebody takes him and he does
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The S'CUSE ME FART: This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted.It is about
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------------------- as close to words as a fart can get.The sound it makes
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is like a little soft whisper that says "S'cuse me."
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The most polite of all farts and very silly when you
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are alone.
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I hope the above will help you to identify some common farts.Already farting
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is sweeping the nation.And wouldnt you impress your friends if you can
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identify them. Soon there will be a special course in farting in most
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schools.Neighborhood fart watches will start to form!
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Before I go let me leave a bit of wisdom with you.Next time somebody
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asks you too pull there finger....think twice.
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**** The following has been a T.G.T presentation****
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The ALARM FART: This is
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