311 lines
6.7 KiB
Plaintext
311 lines
6.7 KiB
Plaintext
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okokoko
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The Real Pirate's Guide
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Compiled By
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Rabid Rasta
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Edited for Commodore by
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<<<2001>>>
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[simulation]
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FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER
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DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM
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I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD
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ABOUT YOU HAVEING ULTIMA IV!!
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MY CONNECTIONS MR.ZEROX AND CHEIF
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SURGEN BLACK BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL
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IT 2 ME SO WANA DO SOME SERIUS TRADING
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HAVE JUMP-MAN, CHOPLIFTER, COMMODORE
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POOL, DI-SECTOR ][ AND SOME K00L OTHER
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STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT
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312-323-3741. IF YOU NEED PHREAK CODES
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I HAVE THEM TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE
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*** ***** **
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* * * *
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* * * ******
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** HONNY * HE * * VENGER
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*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!
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THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN
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Is the author of the above message a
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true pirate? Since the beginning of
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time there has been an implicit code
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of etiquette governing the actions of
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software pirates, but as many of you
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may have noticed as of late, that code
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has been knocked around a bit.Although
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it's not difficult to differentiate a
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true pirate from one of these poor imi
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tations, I believe that, with the num-
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ber of true pirates decreasing at such
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an alarming rate, this code should be
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set straight. After all, although
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"Jhonny" is admittedly a moron, it's
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not his fault that he never received
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proper guidance.
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One of the first and foremost rules of
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piracy: REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS
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OLD! Exceptions to this rule are extre-
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mely rare at best.
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Corollary: You never have to wonder
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who breeded Mickey Mouse with a 2600hz
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tone to produce a real pirate's voice.
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ALIASES
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-------
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Real pirates are more imaginative
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than to use the word "copy" in their
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alias.
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Corollary: Real pirates aren't named
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"Mr. Copy" because real pirates don't
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brag about coping Infocom Games.
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The word "crack"(or "krack")is found
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nowhere in a real pirate's name......
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Unless, he really knows how to.
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Real pirates' aliases don't sound as
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if they were extracted from the lyrics
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of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provis-
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ioner of Satan, Black Avenger, Dark Phantom, etc....).
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Real pirates don't name themselves
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after heavy metal groups.
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Real pirates, if named after some
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aspect of pirate legend (i.e. Jolly
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Roger, Captain Hook, Eye Patch, etc.)
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don't say, "Avast ye scurvy dogs," or
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anything of the like.
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Real pirates' names aren't parodies
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of other reputable pirates (i.e. Resident of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit, etc...).
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Real pirates don't name themselves
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after alcoholic beverages (i.e. Jack
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Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam,
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etc.) especially when they've never
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had one.
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Real pirates spell their aliases cor-
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rectly (unlike "The Poenix").
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Real pirates aren't named Sam Houston
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Sir Spanky, The Gamemaster, Lord
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Fagen, Mr. Copy, Sir Vielant, (insert
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your own losers here)....
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WARES
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-----
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Real pirates would never think of de-
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leting "Sabotage". It's too much fun
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imagining those little men are actual-
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ly Sir Vielant!
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Real pirates play Impossible Mission.
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Real pirates have long since deleted
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"TrashMan", "E.T.", "Alien Munchies",
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"Bug Battle", "Snack Attack", and
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everything from SSI, Avalon Hill, and
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Scott Adams.
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Real pirates don't bother to list
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Jumpman as in their wares lists.
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Corollary: Real pirates know that
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everybody has Jumpman.
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Real pirates upload. They realize
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that leeching is the #2 sin (behind,
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of course, being 13 years old).
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Real pirates feel guilty when
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pirating Commodore or Infocom of course, that never stops them.
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Real pirates don't believe the morons
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who say they have Ultima IV and Joust!
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Corollary: Real pirates realize that
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there is a difference between Dual
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and Joust!
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Real pirates don't count their wares,
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but of course,real pirates don't care.
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Corollary: The third sin of pirating,
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add up the amount of money in wares
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you own.
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Corollary: Nobody cares how much your
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collection is valued at.
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Real pirates don't tell you about
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all the junk they got last year when
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listing their 'new' stuff.
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Corollary: Real pirates know the
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differences between new, old and very
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ancient.
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BOARDS
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------
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Real pirates aren't the fifth to post
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the same "I have..." message.
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Corrolary: Real pirates don't post "I
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have..." messages when they really
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don't have.
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Real pirates don't download programs
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from public BBSs and then post "I know
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it's old, but I have...too" messages
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on pirate boards.
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Real pirates don't post their high
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scores.
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Corollary: Real pirates don't keep
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score.
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Real pirates don't say "K-K00L",
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"K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N",
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or anything of the sort.
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Real pirates know the difference be-
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tween "f" and "ph" (i.e. "philes",
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"phuck", "fone", etc.).
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Real pirates don't waste everyone's
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time backspacing over their alias 50
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times.
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Real pirates never use text graphics
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in their messages.
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Real pirates don't care about The
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Curse BBS's "K-K00L M0DS".
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Real pirates don't search for new
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ways to spell "WARES".
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Real pirates don't use the same
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password on every system.
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Corollary: Real pirates aren't dumb.
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Real pirates don't use the last 5
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lines of their messages bragging about
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the 8 meaningless organizations that
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they belong to.
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Corollary: Real pirates don't belong
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to SWAPP, The Krakers or any other
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local 'Pirate' groups.
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Real pirates who are Ravics or HAL
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SYSOPs hate those damned things.
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Corollary: Real pirates crash them
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whenever they have a chance.
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Real pirates are satisfied with one
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exclamation point.
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Real pirates don't call Dial-Your-
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Match.
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Real pirates never get into "Wars"
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unless, of course, they are grinding
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some 13 year old TI user or
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Sir Vielant into the dust.
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TRANSFERS
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---------
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Real pirates don't use Old Punter.
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Real pirates no longer buy VicModems,
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1650s, Westridges, or Mighty Modems.
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Corollary: Real pirates buy Hayes
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1200 baud SmartModems.
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Corollary to the corollary: Real pi-
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rates accept the reality that 300 baud
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is dead.
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Real pirates aren't around to trade on
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Friday or Saturday nights.
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Corollary: Real pirates haven't
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watched Love Boat since they were 13.
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Real pirates don't list the dir 10
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times, looking for Public Domain junk
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to download.
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Real pirates can get New Punter to
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work right the first time.
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CONCLUSION
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----------
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That's it...for now. Since losers in-
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vent new ways to be losers every day,
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expect a "Real Pirate's Guide, Volume
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2" very soon.
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If any of you were terribly offended by
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anything in this file, that's your clue
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to retire from the pirate world. After
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all, Real pirates don't get offended
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by anything written in textfiles.
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Thanks to the following for their
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contributions to this file:
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Otto Shineflug, Ctrl Reset, Bit
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O'Nasty, Lord Chaos, Niloniel I, and
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Con Man.
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Additional contributions and
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modifications by <<<2001>>>.
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