327 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
327 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
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**************************************
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* High Society presents... *
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* *
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* The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2 *
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* *
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* compiled by *
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* Ctrl-Reset *
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***************************************
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Finally! After a few cheap imitations,
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the second volume of Rabid Rasta's
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Real Pirate's Guide. Since RR has left
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for the college scene, and I worked
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closely with him on the first version,
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you'll have to put up with me for this
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installment.
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----------
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As stated in the first edition of The
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Real Pirate's Guide, there are a lot
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of pirates; unfortunately, a vast
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majority of them are morons. For this
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reason, these "guides" have been as-
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sembled to aid in the growth and matur-
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ity of the younger pirate generation.
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Which brings us to the golden rule of
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pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15
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YEARS OF AGE"(exceptions are few, like
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if one was a beta-tester for
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Broderbund, we could let that slide).
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What follows is a compendium of all the
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ideals and morals a Real Pirate should
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possess. Note that some have been
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taken over from the first Guide because
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of their high value, and because these
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rules are still widely knocked around.
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----------
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[SOFTWARE]
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Real Pirates can appreciate the differ-
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ence between "Karateka," and "Competi-
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tion Karate".
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Real Pirates have long-since deleted
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"Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
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"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie,"
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and still couldn't give a sack of dog
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dicks about anything from Avalon Hill,
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SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI).
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Corollary: Real Pirates would jump
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at the chance to "help" Adventure
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International go Chapter 11.
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Real Pirates aren't obsessed with the
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never-ending quest of collecting all
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12 sides of "Time Zone".
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Real Pirates respect the programming
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and creative talents of those working
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for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electron-
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ic Arts, and congratulate them on a
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valiant attempt to make money.
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Real Pirates didn't get excessively
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excited upon the release of "Soft-
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Porn Adventure," "Strip Poker," or
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anything of the sort.
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Real Pirates respect the efforts of
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other pirates to sell his or her own programs, but would distribute them
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at them drop of a hat.
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Real Pirates pirates aren't just
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"learning assembly." Or even worse,
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"machine language."
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Real Pirates don't contemplate why
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their Apple II+ w/48k won't run
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"King's Quest," or "DazzleDraw."
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Real Pirates know that the Mail
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Trading Club, run by The Professor, is
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the biggest mail-order scam/rip-off
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since X-Ray glasses.
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Real Pirates aren't anticipating the
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release of the follow-up to "The
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Phillistine Ploy."
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Real Pirates know that Lord British is
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not the Monarch of any European empire.
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Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was
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either a very good joke, or a very bad
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game.
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Real Pirates play "Karateka".
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[MODEMING/BBS']
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When posting a message, Real Pirates
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can differentiate between: 'z' and 's',
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'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and
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'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and
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'x' and 'ks'.
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Corollary: Real Pirates have long-
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since rg7ses{ed thg ability to punctu-
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ate, spell and construct clear, well
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organized sentences.
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Corollary to the corollary: Real
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Pirates aren't constantly searching for
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new ways to spell "WARES".
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Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-"
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(ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart).
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Real Pirates use lower case.
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Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
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Real Pirates don't use imbedded back-
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spacing.
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Real Pirates don't post "I have" mes-
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sages, when they really don't have.
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Real Pirates aren't to impressed with
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"spinny" cursors, and turn them off
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upon logging onto such boards.
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Real Pirates don't try to impress
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others with their superior ability to
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add many carriage returns at the end
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of a message, thus preventing anyone
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from reading the last few lines.
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Real Pirates don't brag about people
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they know, or clubs they are in to
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the point of becoming obnoxious.
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(ie."RACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACK",etc)
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Real Pirates don't obtain their
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"phreak" codes from the local Net-Works "super-elite hack board".
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Real Pirates use the latest version
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of ASCII Express "Pro".
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Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned with
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matching everything the other pirate
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sends them. Real Pirates are happy to
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send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the same business.
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(ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send
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me 3 sides")
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Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to
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print-out their "goodbye" message, they
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hang-up.
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Real Pirates always have a copy of
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"Disk-fer" or "Cat-Send" handy, or both.
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Real Pirates don't end their messages
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with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or
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anything of the sort.
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Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond
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to such messages, and in no way use
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them as a means to get "new wares."
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Real Pirates aren't found to frequent
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the local "Bitch Board".
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Real Pirates know that Der Fuhrer is
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a total and complete looser, and also
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know that the most he ever did to distribute anything was "send it to a few peo
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ple."(what everyone else does)
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Real Pirates don't have to "ask" if one
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has an Apple Cat, Real Pirates "assume" one has an Apple Cat.
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Corollary: Real Pirates know that a
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"cat"--when referred to by another
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pirate--is not a small, furry mammal in
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the genus of a tiger(unless specificly
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pointed out as such.)
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Corollary to the corollary: Real
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Pirates couldn't give a bucket of
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hampster vomit about anything pertain-
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ing to anyone else's pet.
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Real Pirates don't make threats of
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violence against others through the
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phone lines. After all, how is someone
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living in Acron, Ohio going to "beat
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the living shit out of" someone living
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in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap Mail,
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that's for sure.
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Real Pirates know that the disclaimers
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often stuck in by BBS sysops do little
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more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.
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Real Pirates don't post messages
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telling us what is "old", so they can
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fill some space, thus making it look
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like they actually had a reason to post
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something relavent.
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Real Pirates don't think it's keen to
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be able to put '/EX' on a line by it-
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self, and have it included in the mess-
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age.
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Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that
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tells them which board to post a cer-
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tain message on(ie. no "new wares" mes-
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sages on the "Famous People Which I
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Have Met" board).
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Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS
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miles away.
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[GROUPS/NAMES]
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Real Pirates names aren't parodies of
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other respectable pirates (ie. The Male
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Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit,
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5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).
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Real Pirates names have no association
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to any type of music whatsoever (ie.
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Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.).
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Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name unless
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they actually can crack, and don't just
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have one.
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Real Pirates know that M.P.G does not
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stand for 'Miles Per Gallon', 'Many
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Pieces of Gravel', 'My Prick is Green',
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or anything of the sort.
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Corollary: Real Pirates would never
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think of forming, or joining another
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group with the suffix "P.G.", standing
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for "Pirates Guild"(three is enough).
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Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace,
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The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
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Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker,
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The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,
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Happy Hacker, or Der Fuhrer.
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[MISCELLANEOUS]
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When talking with a Real Pirate on the
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phone, you can be assured of not hear-
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ing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters
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being played stridently in the back-
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ground.
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Real Pirates are not offended by
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articles in NewsWeek simply because
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they make a few dorogatory remarks
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about BBS/modem users, and do not use
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this weak reason for making the
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author's life miserable.
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Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when
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"Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and
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didn't worry whether or not the Cuban
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midget would ever get another job.
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Real Pirates would like to see a final
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episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky
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absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the ship
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to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads and b
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odyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water.
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Real Pirates watch "Late Night with
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David Lettermen."
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Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
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----------
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Well, that's it. For now. If you were
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at all offended by anything in this
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article, that's your que to retire from
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pirating, because after all, Real
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Pirates aren't offended by things
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contained in text files.
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I would like to thank The Cloak for his
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helpful contributions and input.
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***************************************
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* *
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* TELEMATION 914-362-1422 *
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* THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 *
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* CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 *
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* *
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***************************************
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**************
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* *
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* TELEMATION 914-362-1422 *
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* THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 *
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* CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 *
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* vFCzrpKh(>IC:p~A >KgJVv@ke:^~&('Kp
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