156 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
156 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
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[==============================================================================]
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[ A Lengthy Comparison of Real Users and Real Leeches ]
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[ 80 cols by Xerox Zeke (c) 1985 132 cols in a pinch ]
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[ A Three Sheets to the Wind Production ]
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[ ThunderCats! Hooooooooooooooooo! ]
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[==============================================================================]
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God, you say to yourself, doesn't this guy ever write anything besides
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terrorist files and "real this" and "real that"? Well, fuck you, it's 2:27,
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EST, and I'm fucked up royally and just about as bored. So fuck the world,
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anarchy rules, and here we go...
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o A Real User reads the welcome message and bulletins. But only if they don't
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have spinning cursors and the "latest backspaceing modz" in them. A Real Leech
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never reads welcomes or bulletins UNLESS they have spinning shit and backspaces.
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o A Real User, when downloading, estimates his time very carefully so he knows
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if it's safe to go take a shit or make a sandwich or whatever. A Real Leech
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sets his term program to automatically download everything and then hang up.
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o A Real User, if drawn into chatting, will chat. A Real Leech, if drawn into
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chat, will drop carrier.
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o A Real User only tries to chat if he's bored or has a serious question. A
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Real Leech hits ^G fifty million times and U/L's his own pager files whenever he
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wants to only say "Plleeeeez put up Karateka sidez 1-50 for meeeeeeee
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kkk-d000de?"
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o A Real User writes his own g-files and uploads them. A Real Leech changes
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the names in g-files and uploads them
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o A Real User is over 15 years old. A Real Leech is under 15 years old.
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o A Real User doesn't make excuses if he doesn't have the latest. A Real
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Leech lies and says he has the latest but he has to go eat supper.
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o A Real User can comfortably switch between voice and data as often as he
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likes. A Real Leech doesn't know how, and besides, is afraid that people will
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hear his voice and trace it. It usually rivals that of a castrated squirrel in
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tone and pitch.
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Ok, I'm still fucked up and still fucking bored, so let's move on to their
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personal habits...
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o A Real User reads sci-fi and fantasy. Sometimes horror. A Real Leech reads
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the Magic of Xanth.
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o A Real User reads either Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or nothing at all. A
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Reel Leech reads Marvel SuperHeroes Secret Wars.
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o A Real User will eat any kind of food once. A Real Leech sticks to Count
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Chocula for breakfast and burgers for dinner.
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o A Real User isn't inside his hous 24 hours a day working on the computer. A
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Real Leech is, unless he's over at another leech's house where when one of them
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goes to take a shit, the other copies as many disks as he can...
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o A Real User has a job. A Real Leech depends on a $25 a week allowance his
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parents give him for taking out the garbage.
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o A Real User goes out on Friday nights, and either gets laid, fucked up, or
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both. He has no memory the next day, and doesn't give a fuck. A Real Leech
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invites a friend over. They steal gin or something sorry like that from his
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parent's liquor cabinet. They each take two sips and puke their asses off and
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vow never to do it again, or they dilute it with Cherry Coke, drink the whole
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thing, and go jump off his roof. Good riddance.
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o A Real User drinks peppermint schnapps. A Real Leech, as I said, doesn't
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get drunk. If he does, it's on gin.
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o A Real User is over 5 feet in height. A Real Leech is rarely over 5 feet,
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and when he is, he's so skinny it looks like someone cast a Duo-Dimension spell
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on him...
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o A Real User dreams of putting a board up, and sometimes does. A Real Leech
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puts up a paid-for, unmodified version of Net-Works on a single drive system.
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His welcome screen has nothing BUT text-trix. He has no good files to speak of,
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because he wants the board to be "totally 100% super-duper triple-mega-awesome
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ELITE!"
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o A Real User listens to alternative radio. A Real Leech listens to Top 40.
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o A Real User likes everything except Top 40 and C&W. A Real Leech thinks
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heavy metal is for drugged out brainless morons. He fantasizes about Cyndi
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Lauper. (The smart Real User fantasizes about Tina Turner.)
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o A Real User fantasizes now and then. A Real Leech fantasizes all the time
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unless he's on the computer. (Maybe that is why they download so much...so they
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have time to fantisize and jack off on the keyboard while the file is being
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received...)
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o A Real User would not be crushed by the loss of the warboard. A Real Leech
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would die without the warboard. He posts funny stuff like "FUK U! YUR A FUKIN
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WIMP AND IM GONNU KIK YUR AS IF I EVER KETCH U OUTSIDE YUUR HOUSE
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MUTHERFUKR...LAYTOR D0000000000DZ...!@#$%^&*()THE BLACK TURTLE)(*&^%$#@!"
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o A Real User knows how to spell and construct well-written, grammatically
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correct sentences. He knows how to punctuate. A Real Leech does too, but he
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thinks it's "k-k0000l" to do it as shown above.
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o A Real User uses text capture on stupid messages like that, and on text
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files. A Real Leech turns on text capture at carrier detect, and keeps it on
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for the whole day so he can impress his leech friends who call up his "AE" and
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see a file one hundred trillion sectors long...of course he saves it as a
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protected binary file so they can't do anything with it but they are impressed
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anyway.
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o A Real User likes files like this, and writes one at some point in his life.
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A Real Leech reads a file like this, and leaves feedback saying "MAKE THAT ONE
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GUY WHASTHISFACE OHYEAH SECTOR SURGEON OR WHATEVER MAKE HIM QUIT WRITING PHILLLS
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ABOUT MEEE"
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o A Real User likes anybody who is cool, no matter what they look like or
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believe in. A Real Leech likes people who give him wares. And the nuns at his
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school that he sucks up to. And his dog. And...and that's about it.
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o A Real User writes clear, concise messages. A Real Leech thinks it's
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"k-k000l" to put something like this on the last line of his message:
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.S
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/EX
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<CR>
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.ES
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/ES
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/FUCK
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o A Real User posts something either humorous, informative, or asking for some
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help. A Real Leech posts something like "Latest Backspaceing Tips" or "NEw modz
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for Apple Cat 212 and Net-Worx"
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o A Real User parties for fun. Or, failing that, gets fucked up and writes a
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file like this just for the fuck of it...then when he's done he figures what the
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hell and uploads it to some place...
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A Real Leech for fun does one of the following:
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-Jacks off -Watches grass grow
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-Listens to Top 40 tapes -Sits across from the fire station in hopes
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on dictating casettes that there will be a fire somewhere
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-Invents new backspaces -Invents new handles
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-Clips his fingernails and -Reads his dad's Playboy
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saves the clippings -Jacks off some more
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Good God! It only took me 33 minutes to write this stupid file? I'm more
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stoned than I thought. Oh well...guess I'll go blast Jimi Hendrix and turn on
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the 'ol strobelight...
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SOFDOX Krackers
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December 25th 1985
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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