69 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
69 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
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WATCH MY LIPS
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By M.L. Verb
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Women think men hear with their eyes.
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I used to think this was an uncommon anatomical misconception, occurring
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against long odds only in my family, but more and more friends confirm my
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observation.
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"Look at me when I'm talking to you," is the way one fellow tells me his wife
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addresses him.
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"She is convinced," he says, "that I cannot read the paper, watch TV, clip my
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fingernails AND listen to her simultaneously. She is satisfied only if I'm
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looking at her while she talks to me."
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This mistaken idea that men hear with their eyes probably is the cause of as
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much marital misunderstanding as the widespread notion that if you've paid for
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it with a credit card it didn't cost anything. Divorce court records are
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filled with sad examples of broken marriages that might have succeeded but for
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this bizarre view of the way men's sense organs work.
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In fact, in the past few weeks several men who consider themselves woefully
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misunderstood on this matter have asked me to do what I can to set the record
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straight. I consider it a privilege to educate women on this score.
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My extensive lack of research has failed to reveal just how this wonky idea
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first reared its ugly eyes. But we can speculate. It is possible the matter
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first arose when some woman made another false assumption -- that a man whose
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eyes are open is always awake.
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The truth is most men consider it a cheap and easy trick to sleep with their
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eyes open, and do it every day. My favorite example occurs each time the
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president of the United States addresses a joint session of Congress. Seated
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behind him will be the speaker of the House and the vice president -- both
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conked out dead asleep with their eyes open.
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Most men in such muckety-muck positions of power have taken self-help courses
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to teach them how to move around as if awake while sleeping in public. Tip
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O'Neill and George Bush are so accomplished at this that they sometimes can
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seem to be whispering or giggling to one another while the president speaks.
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That is a much trickier thing to learn than applauding at appropriate times
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while fast asleep. Applauding is child's play.
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Anyway, getting back to our speculation, it is possible that some wife
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somewhere was speaking to her husband on the assumption that he was awake,
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based on the circumstantial (and often misleading) evidence of his open eyes.
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"So," she said in conclusion, "do you want to go or not?"
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On her sharp "so," he awakened, but since the question made no sense to him
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he replied, "Go where?"
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To which she shot back, "Next time I'm talking to you LOOK at me." Which
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wasn't the problem at all, for a man is equally capable of sleeping open-eyed
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while seeming to stare at his wife as he is while seeming to stare at the
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newspaper or the TV.
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Now that it's clear what men don't hear with, it may be helpful to understand
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what they do use. Although ears do the job for most casual conversations, a
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man's serious listening is done through the top of his head. This is the part
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of his body he instinctively turns toward engrossing conversations.
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No doubt this has led to misunderstandings, too, among women who think men
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with their faces parallel to the floor have set sail for nada land. But if a
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man is listening to you with the top of his head you really should take it as a
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compliment. Assuming, of course, he isn't snoring and drooling.
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