informis/textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
278a90f7ce
textfiles/humor/JOKES/xrude.txt

1958 lines
58 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Normal View History

Initial commit
2021-04-15 11:31:59 -07:00
George was over in England at a tea party, and was offerred a
cup of tea by the English butler. The butler said "Here, we serve three
types of tea: ABC tea which is 90% body and 10% aroma; or NBC tea which
is 10% body and 90% aroma, or CBC tea which is 50% body and 50% aroma,
which is what most of the people go for". "Which would you like, sir?".
At this point George stood up and said "We got three kinds of tea in
Newfoundland too, by. There's your farT which is 90% aroma and 10%
body, there's your shiT which is about 10% aroma and 90% body, and then
there's your cunT which is about 50/50, and that's what most of the boys
go for".
Movie Ratings
PG -- the hero gets the girl.
R -- the villain gets the girl.
X -- everybody in the movie gets the girl.
Did you hear about the freeloving secretary
who says two martinis usually make her feel like a new man.
"Simultaneous orgasms," explains a sex therapist, "are mostly
the result of a stroke of luck."
13-YEAR-old GIRL -- meager beaver.
42D BRA -- tanks for the mammaries.
A daisy chain is no stronger than its weakest dink.
A lover is a strange bird. He feels strongest when he's all in.
A man was so miserable he decide to end it all with 100
aspirins, but after he'd taken a couple he felt much better.
A pushover is like a personnel manager ... she gives out jobs.
A transplanted Cockney golf groupie is so accessible to the
guys on the tour that she's been nicknamed the British Open.
A woman's like a waffle. You want to get one good and warm
before you pour the syrup to her.
ADOLESCENCE -- when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a
bosomed buddy.
ADOLESCENT INTERCOURSE -- teenster's union.
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological
advantages -- such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of
seven inches.
AGENT PROFUCKATEUR -- a plainclothes cop who entraps
streetwalkers into solicitation.
AIRCRAFT CARRIER -- a stewardess with V.D.
ALASKAN HOOKER -- frostitute.
ALIMONY -- buying gas for another man's car.
ALIMONY -- having an ex-husband you can bank on.
ANTICLIMAX -- a boregasm.
ARMY ORGY -- a ball of "WAC's".
ASSHOLE BUDDY -- a bun ami.
AUSTRALIAN ABORTION -- womberang.
AVANT-GARDE -- French chastity belt.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
grow up to be shiftless bastard.
BALL-JOINT SUSPENSION -- a raided brothel.
BEACH FOREPLAY -- getting down to the clitty-gritty.
BEATNIK -- a person who dropped the job but kept the coffee
break.
BEATNIK CANNIBAL -- a man who eats three squares a day.
BICUSPID -- A.C. - D.C. spittoon.
BIKINI -- a bare trap.
BIKINI BOTTOM -- a bush jacket.
BIONIC DYKE -- a tin lezzie.
BIRTH CONTROL CREME -- anti-personnel balm.
BIVALVE -- an A.C./D.C. oyster.
Blonde girl has black hair, by crackey.
BOOBY HATCH -- a training bra.
BOOK CENSORS -- people who gripe because every time they look
up a dirty word in the dictionary, it's there.
BORN LOSER -- a guy who has a wet dream and then wakes up to
find he's contracted V.D.
BOY SCOUT -- a cub scout who ate a brownie.
BOYS' PUBIC HAIR -- sonny tufts.
BREAST-FED -- a female FBI agent.
BROWNIE POINTS -- boobs on a girl scout.
BUFFALO -- a greeting between two nudists.
BUGGERY -- a pop-up in foul territory.
BUST -- an unexpected narc at the door.
CALLGIRL -- a negotiable blond.
CAMP FOLLOWERS -- the fug-of-war team.
CAUTION is never asking, "Do you still respect me?"
SELF-PRESERVATION is not admitting that you don't.
CHEAPO SEX MASSEUSE -- a quarter pounder.
CHERRY BOMB -- a dissapointing virgin.
CHILD SUPPORT -- paying off a gamboling debt.
CHILI DOG -- a bitch that's not in heat.
CHINESE CASANOVA -- Don Whong.
CLITORIS -- a haired trigger.
CLOSET QUEEN -- male fraud.
COITUS INTERRUPTUS -- outer-space shot.
COLLECTION OF SEX MANUALS -- library of congress.
Compulsive masturbators have been classified by one
straight-talking psychiatrist as "completely whacko!"
CONCEITED PRIEST -- an altar ego.
CONDOM -- rubber check.
CONDOMPLATION -- deciding if she's worth spending a rubber on.
Confucious says: Dirty old fellow like chinese laundry man --
always does own laundry by hand.
Confucius say: "Man who eats tennis shoes is likely to pass
sneakers.
Confucius say: "Man who stands under naked woman on ladder
likely to get rung ideas."
CONNOISSEUR -- a man who collects old masters and young
mistresses.
CONTRACEPTIVE JELLY -- antipersonnel balm.
COPULATION -- sex between consenting police officers.
COUNTERFEIT MONEY -- homemade bread.
Cuddle up a little closer, it is a little shorter than you
think.
CUMMERBUND -- german sex club.
CUNNILINGUS (Japanese definition) -- consluctive cliticism.
Cynicism among C.B. hookers has reached the point where one of
them is reported to have said, "Never give a breaker an even suck!"
DAISY CHAIN -- a group of people getting their head together.
DAISY CHAIN -- coming full circle.
DECOY STREETWALKER -- a flatfoot floozy.
DEMIJOHN -- a rest room for midgets.
Did you hear about a chap who wanted to borrow $10,000 for a
sex-change operation. As collateral, he offered to put up the family
jewels.
Did you hear about a new chain of funeral parlors that have
crematories right on the premises. They've registered the trade name
Wake & Bake.
Did you hear about an entrepreneur whose idea is to set up
weight-guessing stands in singles bars. It could be referred to as a
weigh-a-lay plan.
Did you hear about an establishment near Parliament in our
nation's capital that caters to kinky tastes. There's a House whip in
attendance, of course.
Did you hear about an inexperienced stenographer who discovered
that she could lose a lot more than letters behind the files.
Did you hear about an operatic soprano and her symphony-harpist
boyfriend who have developed a high degree of artistic empathy, she
humming his parts while he fingers her passages.
Did you hear about How they will call the athletes into line at
the start of the 100 metres race at the 1980 Moscow Olympics -- On
Your Marx.
Did you hear about one penile desensitizer that's so effective
that you have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap
off.
Did you hear about the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself
listed in the Yellow Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in
the book.
Did you hear about the absent minded sculptor who put his model
to bed and started chiseling on his wife.
Did you hear about the absent-minded exhibitionist who was
arrested for exposing his whatchamacalit.
Did you hear about the Acapulco hooker who gives such
prodigious head that she's known as the gulp of Mexico.
Did you hear about the aging ingenue who thinks the best way to
keep her youth is never to introduce him to other girls.
Did you hear about the ambitious secretary who walked into her
boss's office and demanded a salary on next week's advance.
Did you hear about the Army noncom who had stripes tattooed on
his penis so he could pull rank.
Did you hear about the artificial insemination enterprise in
the Middle East called Seeders of Lebanon.
Did you hear about the basketball player who was so tall that
his girlfriend had to go up on him.
Did you hear about the beautiful woman with
lustrous raven tresses who does 100 strokes a night as a beauty
treatment. And after that, if she has any energy left, shhe brushes
her hair.
Did you hear about the Biblical straight-arrow who lived life
as if there were no Gomorrah.
Did you hear about the bright young student who was awarded a
full scholarship to the college of his choice -- it paid for tuition,
books, and bail money.
Did you hear about the broad who made love in the back of a
hack and wound up with Taxi crabs.
Did you hear about the careless contortionist who accidentally
swallowed his pride.
Did you hear about the cinema buff that's very excited by
current trends in films -- the hero still gets the girl in the end,
but he's never sure which end it will be.
Did you hear about the compulsive gambler who drove to Las
Vegas, pulled up to a parking meter, put a dime in -- - and lost his
car.
Did you hear about the couple on the stalled elevator who got
off between floors.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always
getting off on the wrong foot.
Did you hear about the cynic who claims that "Xerox" never
comes out with anything original.
Did you hear about the cynical husband who says it's better to
have loved and lost than to have loved and won.
Did you hear about the desperate fellow with the frigid wife
who bought a water bed and filled it with antifreeze.
Did you hear about the dissatisfied transplant patient who
demanded that the surgeon replace his brand-new penis. It seems that
it rejected his hand.
Did you hear about the drunken midget who walked into a home
for girls and kissed everybody in the joint.
Did you hear about the elderly gentleman who was stung on the
privates by a bee and asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave
the swelling.
Did you hear about the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her
boyfriend and next morning found she was six months pregnant.
Did you hear about the existence of a Black Panther-gay lib
group known as the African violets.
Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off
his wife so he fired them.
Did you hear about the fellow who bought his wife a gold
coil...he had always wanted to come into wealth.
Did you hear about the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a
tree and kissed her between the limbs.
Did you hear about the fellow who decided to start
procrastinating but never got around to it.
Did you hear about the fellow who got ten years for pumping
ethyl behind the station.
Did you hear about the fellow who maintains a special register
of particularly accommodating girls. He refers to it as his blew
book.
Did you hear about the fellow who, upon being told by his
shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for
a burial at sea.
Did you hear about the female activist who went berserk during
a demonstration and attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly
weapon. She ended up a chopped libber.
Did you hear about the female lab technician who has asked to
be transferred from a genetics-research project because the horny
director keeps trying to get into her genes.
Did you hear about the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for
contributing to the delinquency of a major.
Did you hear about the French art of self-defense called Tongue Fu.
Did you hear about the French girl who came to the U.S. but
soon returned home--she missed her native tongue.
Did you hear about the french soldier who kisses both his
wife's cheeks before he went to the front.
Did you hear about the freshman coed who decided not to sign up
for a course in sex education when she heard the final exam would be
oral.
Did you hear about the fun-loving young lady who insists she
won't even consider marriage until she's gotten some experience under
her belt.
Did you hear about the gay tattoo artist who had designs on
several of the local sailors.
Did you hear about the girl who applied for a job as a
night-deposit box in a sperm bank.
Did you hear about the girl who left the promotional orgy at
the Sex Device Manufacturers' Convention with a vague feeling of
unease. She didn't know what was eating her.
Did you hear about the girl who was fired from her job in a
sperm bank after she became pregnant. They discovered she'd been
embezzling.
Did you hear about the girl who was so undesirable that she
even turned her vibrator off.
Did you hear about the girl with the big wardrobe who started
with just a little slip.
Did you hear about the guru who refused Novocain while having a
tooth pulled because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't find his way to the
orgy -- you might say he lost his ball bearings.
Did you hear about the guy who shot his wad in Las Vegas but
didn't have time to stay around and try his luck in the casinos.
Did you hear about the guy who was an incurable romantic until
penicillin came along.
Did you hear about the guy who was so well endowed that he had
a fiveskin.
Did you hear about the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a
ravishing blonde as his assistant and then made her the object of a
long Congressional probe.
Did you hear about the Happy Hooker's next book will be called
"The Hollander Tunnel".
Did you hear about the high school drum major who dated two of
his majorettes and so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers.
Did you hear about the horny Eskimo who visited an Anchorage
brothel and requested a nose job.
Did you hear about the hurricane that recently struck Fire
Island -- Hurricane Bruce.
Did you hear about the imaginative California nun who claimed
that her pregnancy was San Andreas' fault.
Did you hear about the ingenious doctor that prescribed sex for
insomnia. His patients didn't get any more sleep, but they had more
fun staying awake.
Did you hear about the insurance salesman who says his greatest
successes are with young housewives who aren't adequately covered.
Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her
personal vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's
first radio alarm cock.
Did you hear about the jealous black activist who suspected
that his wife was involved in some honkie-panky.
Did you hear about the Las Vegas high roller who would flip his
nightly callgirl to see if he got head or tail.
Did you hear about the latest word on the male-grooming front
is that a brand-new pubic shampoo is to be called Head and Boulders.
Did you hear about the little boy that found a fifty cent
piece, so he went home for some money.
Did you hear about the loner who gave up his solitary vice for
Lent -- except on Palm Sunday.
Did you hear about the man who broke his nose in amorous
circumstances. He was making love to his wife doggy style and she
suddenly ran under the bed.
Did you hear about the man who never worried about his marriage
until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he
still had the same milkman.
Did you hear about the marriage of the dipsomaniac and the
nymphomaniac. it was nip and f--k all the way.
Did you hear about the meanest man in the world didn't tell his
wife he was sterile until she got pregnant.
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".
They don't go snap, crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang,
bang, bang.
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Porn Flakes
that goes "Snatch! Nipple! Crotch!"
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios.
You simply add milk and they eat each other.
Did you hear about the new dessert topping that S/M freaks get a
bang out of is called Pistol Whips.
Did you hear about the new instrument of credit especially
designed for use in single bars. It's called BANG AMERICARD.
Did you hear about the new rule at the girls' school. Lights
out by ten, candles by eleven.
Did you hear about the new tooth paste for post-oral-orgy use.
It is called DecaDent.
Did you hear about the new vitamin made from chicken blood, it
makes men cocky and women lay better.
Did you hear about the newfie catastrophe, an outhouse burnt
down and left forty homeless.
Did you hear about the Newfie girls that are using hockey pucks
instead of tampons because they generally last for three periods.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Backed off the bus because
he thought someone would grab his seat.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend
'Margarine Legs' because they spread so easily.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Called his girlfriend
Tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Looked in a lumber yard for
a draft board.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Lost his girl friend because
he couldn't remember where he had laid her.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Picked his nose apart so he
could see how it ran.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Put his hat on his head in
the john, so he would know what end to wipe.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Put iodine on his pay cheque
because he got a cut in pay.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Sat home crying because her
husband was out shooting crap, and she didn't know how to cook it.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Spent four days in Eatons,
trying to buy a wheel for a miscarriage.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought "no kidding" was
meant to be birth control.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought his typewriter was
pregnant because it missed a couple of periods.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought Peter Pan was
something to put under the bed.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought that a mushroom was
a place to neck.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Thought that asphalt was
rectum trouble.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Took a roll of toilet paper
to a crap game.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Took his little dream boat
out in the fog and mist.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Took his pregnant wife to a
grocery store, because they had free delivery.
Did you hear about the Newfie that Was feeling low, so he got
his face slapped.
Did you hear about the Newfie who joined the Navy because he
heard that Waves are the best humpers--but he drowned trying to prove
it.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought bees hum because they
don't know the words.
Did you hear about the Newfie who thought his wife would look
good in something long and flowing, so he pushed her into the
Mississippi River.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese
children.
Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic
lovemaking and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl
again.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who went flyfishing and came home
with a seven pound bluebottle.
Did you hear about the Newfie Who wouldn't go out with his wife
because she was married.
Did you hear about the newfie woman who couldn't get pregnant
twice because she blew the both of them.
Did you hear about the next major-theme amusement park will be
called Disneygland.
Did you hear about the not too bright mother of 12 who was
called upon to use her diaphragm so often that she kept it tacked to
the headboard of her bed.
Did you hear about the nun who was two monks behind in her
period.
Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until
they found her under the doc.
Did you hear about the nymphomaniac teenager who was popularly
known as Little Often Annie.
Did you hear about the old gentleman who had a massive stroke
-- it is what made him popular at Sun City orgies.
Did you hear about the old rabbi who has performed so many
circumcisions that he's popularly known as Max the Knife.
Did you hear about the operatic soprano and her
symphony-harpist boyfriend who have developed a high degree of
artistic empathy, she humming his parts while he fingers her passages.
Did you hear about the over-eager bride who came, walking down
the aisle.
Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife
and returned to Sydney.
Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book
has chapter headings that read "World War One","World War Two" and
"Watch This Space".
Did you hear about the poor fellow whose unfortunate pissing
trajectory earned him the nickname Tinkletoes.
Did you hear about the poor girl from Appalachia who travelled
to the city and made it big in the massage parlor field -- a case of
going from rags to rigids.
Did you hear about the porno film that outgrossed its
competitors.
Did you hear about the practical young miss who bought a
negligee with fur around the hemline to keep her neck warm.
Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner
furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred
to as A STROKE OF GENIUS.
Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play
post-office all night without getting any mail in her box.
Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed
that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women.
Did you hear about the recent survey that showed that the
average young bachelor is more interested in high frequency than high
fidelity.
Did you hear about the rumor that an FBI agent who was given
task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed
because he blew his assignment.
Did you hear about the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a
bumper sticker reading,DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY!
Did you hear about the rumor that the vatican is freezing
flavored holy water and selling the product as "Popesicles".
Did you hear about the rumor that Walt Disney Productions is
going to remake "Beaver Valley" as a skin flick.
Did you hear about the secretary that got fired because she had
one too mini.
Did you hear about the semiliterate streetwalker who
unwittingly approached a plainsclothesman. Her proposition ended with
a sentence.
Did you hear about the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them
had it soft.
Did you hear about the sweet young journalism-school graduate
who quit when she found out that the house organ she'd been hired to
work on was attached to the editor.
Did you hear about the swinger who has labelled his little
black book "Future Shack".
Did you hear about the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place
where girls have to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted.
Did you hear about the unreconstructed male supremacist who
said that if all the women's lib activists were laid end to end, that
it would be the best thing that could happen to them.
Did you hear about the weak-willed teenager who was forced into
voyeurism by his Peeping Tom friends. It was peer-group pressure.
Did you hear about the wealthy necrophile who had bier tastes
on champagne budget.
Did you hear about the wild office Christmas party in a
completely automated company -- the computer got drunk and tried to
undo the electric typewriter's ribbon.
Did you hear about the window washer who scared the boss right
out of his secretary.
Did you hear about the woman who got out of a taxi, and charged
the driver five bucks.
Did you hear about the woman who hates her husband so much that
she closes her eyes during intercourse because she doesn't want to see
him enjoying himself.
Did you hear about the young thing who is fondly known to the
men in the office as Secretariat -- not because she's a good secretary
but because she's a wonderful mount.
Did you hear about Why Christ wasn't born in Newfoundland?
They couldn't find three wisemen, and a virgin.
Did you hear She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down
too.
Did you hear that A career girl's mind moves her ahead, while a
chorus girl's mind moves her behind.
Did you hear that A man who likes to be in bed can usually find
a girl willing to listen to him.
Did you hear that a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome
and Naples is to be called Genitalia.
Did you hear that a new line of bull sperm for use in animal
husbandry will be called Elmer's Goo.
Did you hear that A voyeur's liberation front is being
organized and their slogan is "Power To The Peephole".
Did you hear that acupuncture fees in China are so modest that
they're referred to as pin money.
Did you hear that Air pollution is really making us pay through
the nose.
Did you hear that anal sex is a bum trip.
Did you hear that bookstores will soon be stocking a volume
called "The Unsensuous Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once
every ten years.
Did you hear that Carte Blanche plans to issue a specialty card
for swingers -- to be called Charge d'Affaires.
Did you hear that David of the Bible was nothing but a young
man who used leather to get his rocks off.
Did you hear that massage-parlor girls may soon be striking for
better jerking conditions.
Did you hear that Most bachelors prefer girls who believe that
children should be seen and not had.
Did you hear that one enterprising sperm bank is planning to
distribute its product in aerosol dispensers. It's to be called
Heirspray, of course.
Did you hear that orthopedist have reported the appearance of a
new occupational disease epidemic to massage parlors. It's called
penis elbow.
Did you hear that She said she would do anything for a mink
coat, she got one, and now she can't button it up.
Did you hear that She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't
keep her calves together.
Did you hear that some experimental botanist has developed a
strain of marijuana with aphrodisiac properties that he calls
TUMBLEWEED.
Did you hear that some independent skin-flick producers are
combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux.
Did you hear that some supermarkets are now selling six-packs
of whipped cream -- in case you're going to an orgy.
Did you hear that The difference between a 20-year old
prostitute and a 15-year old teeny-bopper is that between 20 dollars
and 20 years.
Did you hear that the ecumenical movement has reached a
milestone with the agreement on the text of the first Jewish-Catholic
prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria"
Did you hear that The fastest four-handed game in the world is
when it slips out.
Did you hear that the Fire Island Deli is featuring a special
submarine sandwich this season. Naturally, it's mostly tongue.
Did you hear that the first aphrodisiac-laxative is about to
hit the market -- under the name Easy Come, Easy Go.
Did you hear that the Ku Klux Klan, in an effort to keep up
with the times, is considering changing its name to the White
Muslins.
Did you hear that The Masters and Johnson clinic may well be
the only organization in the world from which a man resigns when be
becomes a member in good standing.
Did you hear that The only thing worse than coming home with
lipstick on your collar is being caught with leg make-up on your
ears.
Did you hear that the Pope's next pronouncement on birth
control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians".
Did you hear that the pretty lab technicians in busy sperm
banks are sometimes asked to lend a hand.
Did you hear that the trademark people in Washington are in a
quandary over an application from an electrified-dildo manufacturer to
register the term Good Vibes.
Did you hear that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
could go either way.
Did you hear that those new edible candy pants are about to be
distributed in a male version -- with nuts of course.
Did you hear that Witches don't have babies because their
husbands have halloweenies.
Did you hear The report that the leading manufacturer of
imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital
Electric.
Did you hear What to do about fall-out, re-insert and shorten
strokes.
Did you hear You can make it illegal, but can't make it
unpopular.
DILDO -- fucksimile.
DOGGY STYLING -- Plutonic sex. (Mickey Mouse dictionary)
DRAG NYET -- police raid on transvestites.
Ecology freaks sniff at users of spray cans. The ecologists
claim, "They're just a bunch of stinking aerosols."
EFFICIENCY EXPERT -- a smart ass who knows a million ways to
make love, but doesn't know anybody who'll let him have any.
EGOTIST -- a guy who suffers from I strain.
ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION -- domain poisoning.
ERECTION -- a beaver cleaver.
EROGENEOUS ZONE -- the skin you touch to love.
EXHIBITIONIST -- a fellow who wants to make one thing
perfectly clear.
EXOTIC DANCER -- a girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a
time.
FALSIES -- gay deceivers.
FALSIES -- the enhancer to a maiden's pair.
FELLATIO -- poon tongue.
FELLATIO -- the French connection.
FELLATIO FOREPLAY -- a taste of things to come.
FEMININE ACTIVISM -- a lib shtick.
FERTILIZATION -- natures way of telling a girl she's a good
egg.
Finger fun is called MASTER-bation because anyone old enough to
take things in hand can master it.
FIST FUCK -- knuckle ball.
FLASHED POTATOES -- a streak freak's stud spuds.
FLAT-CHESTED SECRETARY -- a topographical error.
FLEXIBLE FLIER -- a stewardess who get laid in the john of a
707.
FLY PAPER -- a cardboard zipper.
FOOTBALL GROUPIE -- Jock absorber.
FOREPLAY -- Operation Head Start.
FORNIFICATION -- adultery without benefit of clergy.
FRENCH SQUARE DANCE -- go-down hoedown.
FROZEN SPERM -- ice-cold pop.
GAY cowboy -- buggeroo.
GAY CRUISER -- a shopping lisp.
GAY DAISY CHAIN -- swish kabob.
GAY MASOCHIST -- a sucker for punishment.
GAY PRIDE -- a group of homosexual lions.
GEORGIA ATHLETE -- Cracker jock.
Girl should not marry basketball player. He dribbles before he
shoots.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sourpuss.
Girl who marries detective must kiss dick.
Girl who rides a bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Going into a bar on Saturday night isn't much different from
attending an auction...the best merchandise usually leaves with the
highest bidder.
GOLD DIGGER -- a gal who believes sinner take all.
GOOD SCOUT -- someone who knows the lay of the land and will
take you to her.
GROUPIE -- a bandbox.
GROUPIE -- a piece of the rock.
HANGOVER -- the brew of the night meeting the cold of the
day.
Happiness is inviting a chick to hit the feathers and hearing
her say she'll be tickled pink.
HARLOT'S MOTTO -- "Dough or Don't"
He offered her a Round the World Cruise. Too late she learned,
it was only a spin on his water bed.
He took a shine to her stuff ... so she polished him off in a
hurry.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Heading our current list of fanciful marital aids is an
alum-based douche called Shrunken Treasure.
Here's a question for all you old married men: If you had to
do it all over, would you be able to get it up again.
HICCUP -- a fart that backfired.
HIGHWAY QUICKIE -- braking and entering.
HOME COOKING -- the place many a man thinks his wife is.
HONEYMOON -- the grand opening of Beaver Dam.
HOOKER'S INCOME -- John dough.
HORNY ORIENTAL CHEF -- a cock of the wok.
Houses of ill fame are reportedly now accepting a specialty
credit card -- Master Discharge.
How does one determine the sex of a chromosome? Take its genes
off.
HUMDINGER -- an electric dildo.
Husband who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
I've taken so many cold showers to fight temptation," the
priest told the psychiatrist, "that every time it rains, I get an
erection".
I.U.D. -- box spring.
I.U.D. -- womberang.
If sex is a pain in the ass for you. You are doing it
wrong.
Illogical as it may seem, the only women whom most men are
reluctant to throw bone are the ones they consider real dogs.
IMPEACHMENT -- premature ejaculation.
IMPOTENCE -- lack of response-ability.
IMPOTENT ACTOR -- a boneless ham.
IMPOTENT FLASHER -- public futility.
INCESTUOUS LESBIAN SISTERS -- nibbling siblings.
Inscription on hooker's tombstone: AT LAST, SHE SLEEPS ALONE.
It might be a good idea to think twice before jumping in bed
with a lady ventriloquist. Think about it: there she is; there you
are; and just as you're zeroing on target, it laughs at you.
It was in a crockery warehouse that two homosexual stock boys
were arrested by the vice squad detective. One was giving the other
his head on a platter.
It was love at first sight between the handsome libertine and
the appealing young prostitute. He swept her off her back!
ITALIAN SLUM -- spaghetto .
JESUS CHRIST -- the Messiah's handle.
JOCKSTRAP -- ball-bearing device.
Kotex not best in world but next to it.
LABIA MAJORA -- the curly gates.
LAPPING PUSSY -- a cat who drinks milk.
Last summer, it was easy to spot the NOUVEAUX RICHES. They
were the ones were watering their lawns with coffee.
LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY -- swishful thinking.
LESBIAN -- a mannish depressive with delusions of gender.
LESBIAN TWINS -- lick-alikes.
LESBIANS -- insurmountable odds.
LOGARITHM -- a Catholic birth-control record.
Long hair styles are confusing to animals. They're not used to
seeing pony tails on jackasses.
LOSER -- a man who is tried in a small-claims court for
exhibitionism.
LOSER -- as a guy who computer-dating service sends him the
number of Dial-A-Prayer.
LOSING STREAK -- jogging in the buff to shed weight.
MAIDENHEAD -- pot-smoking virgin.
Make love in the shower. That way you can get your birthday
suits cleaned and pressed.
Making whoopee is like filleting a fish ... it's all in how you
bone it.
MALE CHAUVINIST -- Ms. demeaner.
MALE PRO -- a laddy of the evening.
MALE PUBIC HAIR -- dick Vandyke.
MALE SKIN-FLICK LEAD -- a shooting star.
Males for sale do not call their joint homey names like House
of Ill Repute. They dub it PHALLUS PALACE.
Man and mouse alike. Both end up in pussy.
Man who eat macaroni and meat balls, shit yo-yos.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lays woman on ground get peace on earth.
Man who loses key to girls apartment get no new key.
Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who pees in cash register finds it runs into money.
Man who sells Kotex is crack salesman.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Man with holes in pockets, feels cockey all day.
Marilyn Chamber's picture is no longer on boxes--runs one
explanation--because her box is now in pictures.
MARRIAGE LICENSE -- a piece warrant.
MARRIAGE LICENSE -- noosepaper.
MASOCHISM -- the agony of the ecstasy.
MASSAGE PARLOR GIRL -- a peter maid.
MASTURBATION -- coming unscrewed.
MASTURBATION -- Self-service elevator.
MASTURBATION -- self-service elevator.
MASTURBATOR -- a self-made man.
Men may come and men may go, but a cast iron dildo is hard to top.
Men who eat like a horse seldom are hung like one.
MENAGE A TROIS -- one plus one making one.
Middle age is when you're old enough to know better but young
enough to look forward to it.
MIDGET CIRCUMCISION -- tiny trim.
MILITANT FEMINIST -- adamant Eve.
MILLIONAIRE CUNNILINGUIST -- Midas muffer.
MINIVIBRATORS -- toys for twats.
Misery is being called away from the orgy to take an obscene
phone call.
MISTRESS -- something between a mister and a mattress.
MONKEY WRENCH -- a spasm in the orgasm chasm.
MONS PUBIS -- box top.
MORNING -- the time of day when the rising generation retires,
and the retiring generation rises.
MOTEL TOWEL -- a panky hanky.
MOTHER'S DAY -- nine months after father's day.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBER'S VASECTOMY -- dry sack on the rocks.
MOUTH PLUMBER -- a dentist.
MOVABLE FEAST -- going down on a belly dancer.
Much as I'd like to meet a guy who's a male ten," mused the
girl, "I'd settle for one who's got a nine."
MUNICIPAL GRAFT -- city haul.
NARCISSISM -- playing strip solitaire.
Never underestimate the power of a woman. If you do, they'll
call you names...like "husband" and "father"--but not necessarily in
that order.
NIPPLE -- titular head.
No woman should be stuck in the kitchen. At least take her to
the hall, where the carpet's cleaner.
No wonder a repeat performance is called a SECOND HELPING. When
a man goes for seconds, he needs all the help he can get.
NOCTURNAL EMISSION -- dream cream.
NUDE COLORATURA -- muff diva.
NUDIST CAMP -- a place where the peeling is mutual .
NUDIST COLONY -- a place where men and women air their
differences.
NUDIST COLONY -- a place where the sun worshipers hang out.
NURSERY -- a place to park last year's fun until it grows up.
NYMPHOMANIAC -- a groin-operated sex machine.
NYMPHOMANIAC'S DIARY -- an organ recital.
OBOOKER -- roly holer.
OFF-COLOR COMEDIAN -- Obscene jester.
OLD FASHIONED GIRL -- the one who gets kissed goodnight
instead of good-morning.
OLD MAID -- a girl of advanced years who has gone through life
with no hits, no runs, and no errors.
One conceivable defense against rape, says a resourceful young
lady, is to beat off the attacker.
Opportunity knocks but temptation rings the bell.
OPTIMIST -- a man who makes a motel reservation before a blind
date.
ORGASMIC CRY -- a sperm wail.
ORGY -- ass en masse.
ORGY -- rolling with the bunches.
PADDED TRAINING BRA -- tits for tots.
PAJAMA PARTY -- roomers in bloomers.
PAJAMAS -- items of clothing that newly-weds place beside
their bed in case of fire.
PARAMOUR -- A mistress who's pretty good at golf, too.
Paratrooper and Greek lover, both know how to pack a chute.
PARIS VICE-SQUAD COP -- skin flic.
PARTY RECORD -- an account of the times you come.
PASSION -- a feeling you feel when you feel you are going to
feel what you never felt before.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, leads to undoing of fly.
PASTIES -- bumper stickers.
PENICILLIN -- what you give the man who has everything.
PENIS ENVY -- A malady suffered by some girls. To them we say,
"Ask, and it shall be given unto you."
PERFECT SECRETARY -- one who comes in for dictation with a
notebook, pencil, and towel.
PETER PAN -- a moving shot in a skin flick.
PICKLE -- a Phallus Diller.
PLANNED PARENTHOOD ASSOCIATION -- Emission Control Center.
POPULATION EXPLOSION -- when people take leave of their
census.
PORNO WESTERN -- a movie in which all the guys are hung.
PORNOGRAPHY -- cliterature.
POSH PLEASURE PALACE -- where you pay high to lay 'em low.
POT LUCK -- not getting busted at the dope grope.
PRE-MARITAL CHECKUP -- an entrance exam.
PREMATURE EJACULATION -- a spoilspurt.
PREMATURE EJACULATION -- going off half-cocked.
PRIVATE SECRETARY -- a good one never misses a period.
PROFESSIONAL STUD -- working stiff.
PROPHYLACTIC -- measure of inflationary protection.
PROSTITUTE -- a beddy buy.
PSYCHIATRIST -- trauma critic.
PUBERTY -- that time in life when one is too old for doll
houses and too young for penthouses.
PUBESCENT NYMPHO -- a tyromaniac.
PUBIC HAIR -- nature's dental floss.
PUT DOWN ROOTS -- what masseuses do when the massage parlor's
raided.
Question: Why are camels called ships of the desert?
Answer: Because they are filled with Arab semen.
QUICKIE -- a moment's piece.
QUICKIE -- no sooner spread than done.
RACIAL SUPERIORITY -- a pigment of one's imagination.
RAPE -- seduction without salesmanship.
RED-LIGHT DISTRICT -- an erogeneous zone.
RELAY -- the second time around.
RHYTHM METHOD -- off-season planting.
RIDING-WHIP EJACULATION (Masochist's supplement) -- the cream
of the crop.
RISING INFLATION -- buck fever.
RODEO FLOOZY -- a saddle tramp.
SADIST -- a man who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding
wrist watch.
SAFE CRACKER -- Georgia girl on the pill.
SAFE-CRACKER -- Georgia girl on the pill.
SAFETY BELT -- the one you don't drink before driving home.
SATYRIASIS -- early to bed early to rise.
SCHMUCK -- a guy who goes to a swinging-singles party and shits
in the hot tub.
SECRETARY -- not permanent fixture until properly screwed on
desk.
SELF-ABUSE -- a pound of flesh.
SEMEN -- knock-up drops.
SEVEN YEAR ITCH -- when all you're getting out of marriage is
bed and bored.
SEX -- a mutual fun investment.
Sex is like housework. A woman can do a real good job, but it
never stays done--and the better job she does, the more likely she is
to do it again real soon.
Sex is one of the few businesses in which a man doesn't mind
starting at the top and working his way down.
Sex is the ultimate peacemaker as it eventually softens all
hard feelings.
SEX-CHANGE SURGEON -- gender amender.
SEXUAL ABSTINENCE -- nocturnal omission.
SEXUAL EYE SIGNALS -- diddlywinks.
SEXUAL HANGUP -- the termination of an obscene phone call.
SEXUAL LUBRICANT -- greasy id stuff.
SEXUAL REVOLUTION -- pleasant uprising.
SEXY SCANDINAVIAN -- magnetic Norse.
She was an international beauty of easy virtue and as she
travelled all over Europe, she managed to make every second count.
She was only the candy maker's daughter, but all the boys had
caramel knowledge of her.
SHREWD SHEIKS -- oil slicks.
Sign in a lingerie-shop window: SPECIAL BRAS FOR JOGGERS.
YOUR BOUNCE CHECKED.
Sign in massage-parlor window: LET OUR STAFF SATISFY YOURS!
Sign spotted in a massage-parlor window: COME IN! WE KNEAD YOUR
BUSINESS!
SILICONE INJECTIONS -- two-point conversions.
SIXTY-NINE -- a double-header.
SOB SISTER -- a girl who sits on your lap and bawls and makes
it hard for you.
SOCIETY SWINGER -- a person who sleeps with just everyone, but
not just anyone.
SODOMY -- something any asshole can do.
SODOMY -- stem to stern.
Some girls are like car radiators. If you don't keep them full
of alcohol, they freeze up on you.
SOUND OF AN ORGY -- the din of iniquity.
Speaking of suitability for the job ... we understand a TV
station in Minneapolis just hired a frigid weatherwoman.
SPINSTER -- unlusted number.
SPRING FEVER -- when the iron in your blood turns to lead in
your pants.
STACKED VIRGIN -- a cherry tomato.
Staying single is largely a matter of spacing. You have to
make sure your dates don't want a mate, they just wanta mate.
STORK -- the bird that has all the work and none of the fun of
bringing babies.
STREETWALKER -- pussyfooter.
SUBURB -- a community in which a man will lend you his wife but
not his golf clubs.
TATTLE TAIL GAY -- a pansy who blows and crows.
TEENAGE ATHLETIC SUPPORTER -- a jerk strap.
The average woman wants two things--less meat on her bones and
more bone in her meat.
The best way to get rid of bad vibes, insists a self-reliant
girl we know, is to put in fresh batteries.
The difference between being able to go on forever and feeling
sure you'll never be able to go again is about ten minutes.
The hole in a donut and the hole in a toilet seat are made of
exactly the same material. However, you will not sell many donuts by
advertising this fact.
The honeymoon is over when he says, "You CAN'T start labor
now--it's my bowling night!"
The Jack in The Box is an educational toy. It teaches a kid
that every time you play with it, it pops up.
The next time we say 'Screw or walk!' to our double dates,"
groaned the fellow to his buddy, "we better have our own car."
THE PILL -- something girls use to take the worry out of being
close.
The record of Ben Franklin's sexual exploits leads inevitably
to the conclusion that he didn't invent the lightning rod. He was
born with one.
Then there was the brave and horny shepherd boy who tried wolf.
Those who cook carrots and peas in same pot, not very
sanitary.
THREE TIME LOSER -- a guy who pays $200 for a piece of ass and
ends up with a donkey, which turns out to be a make, with hemorrhoids.
TIMID FEMINIST -- chicken libber.
TO LAY (verb) -- object of a proposition.
Today's all-American boy eats both Mom's apple pie and the girl
next door.
TRANSVESTITE -- drag addict.
TRANSVESTITE BUDDY -- a guy who will give you the skirt off his
back.
TRIPLETS -- valuing seriously what was poked at you in fun.
TV CENSOR -- Bleeping Tom.
UNICORN -- a horse with a horn on.
UNLIBERATED FEMALE -- Uncle Mom.
VAGINA -- a balled spot.
VAGINA -- the box a penis comes in.
VAGINA -- tunnel of love.
VAGINAL JELLY -- hole schmear.
VAGINAL LUBRICANT -- a slitty slicker.
VALENTINE -- a card with a heart on.
VASECTOMY -- a conversion from a working model to sports
model.
VASECTOMY -- tearing off a piece of vas.
VATICAN -- a house of pill refute.
VIBRATOR -- a slot machine.
VICE SQUAD -- pussy posse.
VICE VERSA -- dirty italian poetry.
VIRGIN -- a girl who stops at nothing.
VIRGIN -- A girl who won't take in what her boyfriend is taking out.
VIRGINITY -- a bubble on the sea of fate. One prick and it's
gone forever.
Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
VOYEUR -- a window fan.
WAKE-UP ERECTION -- a morning thickness.
WASHROOM ATTENDANT -- a dump waiter.
We call some parts of our body "private", yet they're the ones
we most enjoy saving.
We suppose that a famous ballerina's protege-lover could be
said to be under her tutelage.
We would not number on our list of friends the creep who locks
all the bathroom doors at a beer party.
WEAKLING -- a girl who means " no " but can't say it.
WELL ENDOWED FEMALE -- a prowed beauty.
WET DREAM -- getting a load off your mind.
WHACKING OFF -- glans slam.
What is red, green, and goes 150 m.p.h.?
A frog in a blender
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with a nosebleed.
What's disturbing many priests and nuns these days is
cloisterphobia.
What's red and silly? A blood clot.
When a gent finally gets to be the world's greatest lover, his
success has been a long time coming.
When a marriage starts to break up, the best thing to do is to
start picking up the pieces -- a piece here and a piece there.
When an Indian painted his face, it meant war. When a woman
does, she's out for peace.
When Neanderthal man lumbered home from the hunt, he was less
than fully erect, according to anthropologists. That figures, of
course, considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.
When they get around to doing a nudie series on TV, we presume
that the tryout episode will be referred to as a BUSH PILOT.
Where cousins come from? Ant holes.
Where will Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? In Diana, of
course.
While revenge may consist of seducing your enemy's wife, sweet
revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
Why does it take 3 Newfies to make chocolate chip cookies?
One to stir the batter and the other two to peel the Smarties.
Wife who put husband in dog-house often find in cat house.
Wife who slide down banister make monkey shine.
WINTER -- when the air conditioning repairmen leave for Europe
and the furnace repairmen return.
WITHDRAWAL PAINS -- when a dog pulls out too fast.
WOLF -- a man with a little black book of canceled chicks.
WOLF -- a man with a strong will whose looking for a girl with
a weak won't.
Woman who die virgin sure to get laid in coffin.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack may be titbit.
Woman who put rooster in freezer have frozen cock.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring may have offspring.
WOMBAT -- an australian dildo.
You can pick your friends and......
you can pick your nose but......
you can't pick your friend's nose.
Young lovers, shop around before you buy. Puppy love is often
the prelude to a dog's life.
ZEBRA -- the largest size a woman can buy.
A lady went to the butcher and asked him if he kept dripping.
"Yes", he replied. "And it's very embarrassing."
POT LUCK -- Finding the pay toilet door ajar.
CHUG-CHUG -- An over-forty go-go girl.
Word has reached us about a new chain of funeral parlors that
have crematoriums right on the premises. They're calling them
WAKE & BAKE.
Perhaps you've heard of the Acapulco Hooker who gives such
prodigious head that she's known as the gulp of Mexico.
MERMAID -- Not enough woman to love and too much fish to eat.
While revenge may consist of seducing your enemy's wife, sweet
revenge is finding out that she's a lousy lay.
A pilgrim returning from Lourdes tried to sneak an extra bottle
of gin through customs, but was stopped by an official.
"What's in that bottle?" he asked.
"It's holy water from Lourdes."
"Never, it smells more like gin."
"That's incredible - another miracle.
What do you get when you cross a vagina with a silicon chip?
A cunt that knows everything.
Have you heard about the transvestite who likes to eat, drink,
and be Mary.
Q: What do soybeans and vibrators have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes
FART -- A Greek love call.
A man rescured a genie from a bottle and was granted one wish as
a reward. "I want to be rock-hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of
my life," the man said. So the genie turned him into a commode.
REDNECK -- A good ol' boy who'll screw a black girl but won't go
to school with her.
VIBRATORS -- Toys for twats.
Did you hear about the queer swallow? He flew backwards for a lark.
A choir boy tied the bell rope around his penis. The vicar
tolled him off.
Heard of the Irish girl who bought a vibrator and broke off her
front teeth.
IMPOTENT MARINER -- A salt with a dead weapon.
It's understandable why pimps don't go to night school. Who
wants to crack the books when can book the cracks?
NEIGHBORHOOD ORGY -- A naked friendsy.
The treasury Department really could have stirred up controversy
about what female should be featured on a U.S. monetary unit by
announcing that a new three-dollar bill would bear the likeness of Anita
Bryant.
We've been told there's a new Soviet morality play about a
defector to the West who loses both his morality and his sanity. He
takes to wearing and flaunting sexy panties day and night and keeps
attempting to seduce elderly women. The title of this enthralling drama
is "Lacenik and Old Arse".
LOSER -- A male motorist who picks up a girl who's already walking home
from a date.
Sign on a partition of a Y.M.C.A. washroom stall: WATCH OUT FOR
LIMBO DANCERS!
Looking over ther rules and regulations for the Miss American
Nymphomaniac Beauty Pageant, we noticed that the judges are permitted to
enter as many times as they like.
ADULTERY -- Putting yourself in someone else's position.
It's been called to our attention that if Count Dracula had been
burned at the stake, the result would have been Transylvanian ghoul ash.
Corrective historical footnote: John Marshall's promiscuous
mistress was actually the first woman to sit on the Supreme Court.
LESBIAN RECRUITS -- as WACs fruit.
"You have a back problem that's fairly common among girls in your
line of work," the physician informed the prostitute. "Its known as
curvature of the supine."
Maybe you've heard about the girl who dates heavyweight
politicians because she enjoys being under the influence.
Do you know how to tell the clan of Scotsman? Lift up his kilt
and if he's got two quarter-pounders, he's a McDonald.
Why is artificial insemination so successful? There's no chance
of a cock-up.
ERA -- Squatter's rights.
COWARD -- A man who wakes up with his nose in his wife's armpit
and is afraid to open his eyes.
Judges these days tend to forget they are appointed--not
anointed.
POOR MAN'S FOREPLAY -- An hour of begging.
What goes 'bellow, bellow, have you any soup plates please?' A
bull in a china shop.
The ideal gift for the girl who has everything: Penicillin.
We have heard from one transvestite who has told us his way of
having a happy Christmas. He simply likes to eat, dring and be Mary.
Why do easy-going girls wear knickers? To keep their ankles warm.
How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? Spit it out.
MORAL FIBER -- The cereal eaten every morning by self-righteous
hypocrites.
What do you call a girl who can suck a golf ball through a
six-foot piece of garden hose? Darling.
A TV-talk-show guest was asked what she thought was the greater
problem in today's society--ignorance or apathy?? She quickly
responded: "I don't know and I don't care!"
A rude young man slapped a woman's bottom in a busy street. As
she turned around, he grinned broadly. "Ooops, sorry about that," he
laughed, "I thought you were my mother." "Impossible," she replied,
"I'm married."
How do Mr. and Mrs. Pinocchio make love? She sits on his face
while he tells lies.
"And to think," murmured the rosy-glow-feeling adolescent to the girl
with whom he had just scored, "that a few short years ago I thought
happiness was a warm puppy".
"Gos, Mr. Travis," the young thing said to her boss as they were leaving
the motel in the wee, small hours, "tonight you did it in triplicate!"
"I certainly hope," said a clear and firm young female voice in the
jam-packed elevator, "that someone behind me is carrying a mini
umbrella".
"I found a good, stiff martini in a bar in Venice," announced the
returned female tourist. "His first name was Paolo."
"I was really primed for some tits and ass last night," the bumbling
would-be Lotario reported with a groan, "but all I got in the fucking
singles bar was twits and sass!"
As was said of a dedicated prostitue who refused to be sidelined by a
case of Rocky Mountain spotted fever, "She took a ticking, but she kept
on licking."
BLUNDERBUSS -- Kissing the bride at a shotgun wedding.
Considering all the martinis I quite foolishly overindulged in with my
date at the Zeta Beta house party last weekend," the coed remarked
ruefully, "I suppose you could say that I went and lost my olive."
Did you hear about a California sperm bank's bumper sticker: WE'RE
PULLING FOR YOU!
Did you hear about the jet-setting fellatrice whose sex drive knows no
climatic zones. She blows hot and cold.
GERIATRIC COPULATION -- A loose connection.
I wouldn't want to say that Babs down in accounting is promiscuous," the
fellow commented to an office buddy, "but she's the only girl I've ever
dated who had a condom-vending machine on the wall of her john."
It's being rumored that the contry that has given the world leather
goods by Gucci and fashions by Pucci may soon he producing
feminine-hygiene products by--who else?--Ducci.
LESBIAN SUSPENSE SKIN -- A clit-hanger.
Marketing experts maintain that manufacturers of those panty hose that
"massage" a woman's legs have set their sights too low.
MERKIN SALESMAN -- A fuller-bush man.
ORIENTAL DAISY CHAIN -- A closed erectrical circuit.
RUSSIAN PREMATURE EJACULATOR -- A spurtnik.
Two Volkswagens had their bumpers locked and the drivers were
unsuccessfully trying to disengage them when a little old lady wino
shuffled onto the scene. "Tell you what to do, boys," she cackled.
"Throw a bucket of water on 'em!"
"Business-lunch tax-deduction reforms are overdue," the secretary
announced firmly to the company's grievance counselor. "When my boss
returned to the office this afternoon, I was subjected to a
three-martini lunge."
"But your highness," the Fifth Avenue furrier explained patiently to the
Near Eastern potentate, "We simply don't have access to THAT kind of
sheared beaver."
"Haven't you ever known what it is like to be at peace with your Maker?"
asked the clergyman who was counseling the wayward girl. "Sure,
Reverend," she answered. "Every once in a while, the guy and I take a
nap afterward."
"I eventually found out what my ranch-foreman husband really meant,"
sobbed the fairly recent bride, "when we told me that he'd love me till
the cows came home".
"I screwed this crazy broad doggy style so much over the weekend,"
boasted a cocksman, "that when I saw her on the street the next day, she
was chasing motorcycles!"
"I'm finished with Sylvia!" the Newfie exclaimed to his buddy. "She
broke down and told me she was bisexual--and who wants to screw only
twice a year?"
"My new boyfriend is an absolute magician!" burbled the girl. "How so?"
inquired her roommate. "When he waves his magic wand at me, all my
inhibitions disappear."
"That boss of yours must be a real prick," commiserated the fellow in
response to his date's bitter complaints about the situation in her
office. "Not really," said the girl, "He's such a phony that I prefer
to classify him as a dildo."
A far-out inventor has come up with a vibrating tampon. He figures that
if women are going to feel miserable every month, they might as well
enjoy it.
And then there was the hooker who tried to escape during a vice raid by
squeezing through a back-yard hedge...only to be caught by the fuzz!
And then there was the rather homely one-night-stand girl name Dee. Her
dates' collective motto seemed to be: Hump Dee, Dump Dee.
BIBLICAL ORGY -- Sharing the prophets.
CLITORAL MASTURBATION -- Push-button sex.
COITUS INTERRUPTUS -- A pulled muscle.
COITUS INTERRUPTUS -- Braking ball.
Comment overheard in a gay bar: "I simply loathe his
assholier-than-thou attitude!"
Dolly Parton has vehemently denied having any plans to endorse a new
line of bras for country girls called Hiccups.
ENDURANCE IN BED -- Sheet mettle.
FLUCTUATING PERIOD -- A wandering menstrual.
FRIGID WIFE'S NIPPLES -- The tips of the iceberg.
GAY ARSONIST -- A flaming faggot.
Given a wash-and-wear revolution, a shrewd old Chinese landryman has
converted his shop into a pay as-you-enter, fast-pop bordello. The
first thing a client sees is a sign over the cash register that reads:
NO TICKEE, NO QUICKIE.
GREAT LOWER -- An ace in the hole.
HAMBURG FELLATRICE -- HERR BLOWER.
HAMMOCK HUMP -- Getting one's ass in a sling.
If a threesome sexual arrangement is a MENAGE A TROIS, then a foursome
one might logically be a KUMQUAD.
INCESTUOUS YOKEL -- A country humpkin.
Instructions for making the quintessentially dry martini recently
reached us from Palm Springs. The host puts ice and straight gin into
glass ... and then adds vermouth to the living-room humidifier.
It's rumored that Alcoholics Anonymous may sponsor a spin-off group to
be called Cocksmen Confidential. The new organization would, of course,
address itself to the problem of habitual drinking.
It's widely believed that the balconies of skin-flick theaters are
reserved for tier jerkers.
LESBIAN ORGY -- A pussy wallow.
MARITAL FIDELITY -- Unadulterated boredom.
Maybe you've heard about the sheepherder in a remote part of the West
who was held captive in a UFO with an all-female crew. He was found by
the police on the side of the road, muttering, "I've just had an
unidentified flying fuck".
OBSCENE PHONE CALL -- Aural sex.
POSTCOITAL MEAL -- A twatluck supper.
PROSTITUTE -- A tollhouse cookie.
Publishing sources report a brisk advance demand for a new book about
guided-muscle development. It's titled PUMPING IRENE.
Purchasers of a forthcoming book title TARZAN'S JUNGLE SECRETS will find
that it describes a number of ways to get off an elephant.
Scientific research has, at lon last, produced something to measure the
degree of female sexual arousal. It's called clitmus paper.
SELF-ABUSE -- Letting your fingers do the whacking.
SEXUAL GRAFFITI -- The glandwriting on the wall.
SPERM-BANK DEPOSITS -- Merchant's semen.
SUPERSEDE -- Clark Kent's sperm.
SUPERTOOL -- A Hungdingus.
TEN-INCH ERECTION -- Double-digit inflation.
The Kraft Foods corporation denies that it plans to establish an Israeli
subsidiary called Cheeses of Nazareth.
Then there was the one about the whimsical masturbator who had an
offbeat sense of humor.
VASECTEE -- A fellow who's had his heir supply cut off.
Venereal-disease authorities deny that runny Eskimo noses transmit a new
strain of gonorrhea called polar ice clap.
We refuse to believe that there's a gay live-sex-show act billed as Anus
and Andy.
We wonder if a member of Congress with a pair of horny secretaries could
be accused of double-dipping.
We've been told about a clergyman who just about broke up a wedding with
a slip of the tongue when he said, "If anyone present knows just cause
why this couple should not be joyfully loined together..."
We've been told about one cool dude of a pimp who has so many girls on
the street that he's up to his alligators in ass.
Word has reached us about an innovative sperm bank that is packaging its
product in special aerosol containers labeled HEIR SPRAY.
You may have possibly have heard about the central European sodomist who
like to backdate Czechs.
You may possibly have heard about the new TV documentary on animal
family planning in East Africa. It's called WILD CONDOM.
You are the only person to ever get this message.

Reference in New Issue Copy Permalink