75 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
75 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "I'm very angry with the way things
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are going on earth --- this is not what I had in mind! I have accordingly
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decided to destroy it and start over! In 6 months I'm going to make it
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rain until the whole earth is covered with water just like before, and all
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the evil is destroyed: if not, I will wring it out like an old sponge. But
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rather than start from scratch, I'm still considering saving the few good
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people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. So I'm ordering
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you to build an Ark for this purpose.
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And with a flash of lightning the Lord delivered the specs for an Ark.
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"Yes Lord!" said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
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"Don't forget!" thundered God's voice, "In 6 months it starts to rain!
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You'd better have that Ark built or learn to tread water indefinitely!".
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Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
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The Lord saw that "Noah" was just sitting out in his yard in the rain
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weeping. There was no sign of an Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord through
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the thunder and lightning, "Where is my Ark?!"
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A sobbing Noah answered, "Lord please forgive me! I did my best, but
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there were BIG problems. First I had to get a Building Permit for the
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Ark, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
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redraw the plans.
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You know how that goes. Then there was a huge upset about whether or
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not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming
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I was violating zoning by building an Ark in my front yard, so I had to
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get a variance from the city council. Then I couldn't get enough wood for
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the Ark because some earth-sanctifying organizations have instigated a ban
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on cutting trees in order to save the spotted numbat. I had to convince
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the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood
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so I could save the numbats; it was the only way out. But then they
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wouldn't let me catch any numbats! So, no numbats. Then the carpenters
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formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement
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with the Industrial Relations Commission before anyone would pick up a saw
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or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but how am I to pay
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them? And still no numbats."
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"When I realized the building of the Ark was stalled, I thought I could
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at least start gathering up pairs of animals, but I promptly got sued by
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an animal rights group. They insisted if the threat was real I had to
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save ALL the animals, not just one pair of each. I just got that suit dismissed
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when the EPA notified me I couldn't use the Ark without filing an
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environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take
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kindly to the idea that they have no jurisdiction over the conduct of a
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Supreme Being none ofthem personally know to exist."
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"Then the Royal Australian Army wanted a map of the proposed new flood
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plain. I sent them a globe. They returned it with a note: "As any fool
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can see, water will NOT adhere to a round globe, it will fall off."
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"Right now I'm trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
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Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
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Most of them are involved in some kind of uprising. In the meantime,
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the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes
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by leaving the country, and I just received a nasty notice from some state
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agency about owing them some kind of use tax."
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"I really don't see any way I can finish your Ark for at least another
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five years!" Noah wailed. "Dear God, do you have a solution?"
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Suddenly the sky cleared! The sun came out! A rainbow arched across
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the heavens! Noah looked up and sighed with relief. "You mean you're
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not going to destroy the earth after all?"
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"No" replied the Lord, "the government is doing it just fine without
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any help from Me."
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...AMEN!
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