185 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
185 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
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Collection of Lawyer Jokes - Offensive to Attorneys & Lawyers
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Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army
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was captured on is way through the mountains. All were
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courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a
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priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who
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excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he
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was then executed.
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It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
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emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
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came over to see him.
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"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
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court when you accused me of malpractice."
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"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
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it be?"
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"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
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"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
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know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
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"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
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"What are you talking about?"
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"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
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everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
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"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
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"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
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out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
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"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
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"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
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Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
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Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
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when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
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Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
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headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
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"Why are you reading that to me?"
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"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
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a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
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"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
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"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
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sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
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"Then get me another doctor."
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"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
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after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
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This is the only place that I can practice."
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"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
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appeal your case to a higher court."
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"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
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a kidney stone."
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"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
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looking at him."
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"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
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you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
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into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
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of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
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to be in a lot of pain.' "
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"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
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ounce of Demerol?"
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"I better check you out first."
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"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
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"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
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examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
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do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
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"What for?"
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"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
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and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
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"I'm not going to sue you."
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"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
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after you pass the kidney stone?"
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A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
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which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
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would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
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spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
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section of Maine.
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On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
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him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
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Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
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the great outdoors.
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Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
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pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
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patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
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came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
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Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
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friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
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swallowed him whole.
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The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
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got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
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back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
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Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
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"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
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lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
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friend.
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The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
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took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
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"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
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"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
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that the Czech was in the Male?"
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Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a
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little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in
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need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
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Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it
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gets fixed if you will help pay for it."
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Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."
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Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help
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pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."
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Lucifer: "Ha!! Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
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serve lawyers here?".
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"Sure do," replied the bartender.
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"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
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'gator."
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A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to
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stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging,
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with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them,
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and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes
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out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.
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A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on
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the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in
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the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi
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and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the
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hindu, and the rabbi goes out.
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Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to
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go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door
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they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you
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can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".
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Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi
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into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately,
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there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the
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pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."
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There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
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No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
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- Jean Giradoux
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A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
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There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who
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know the judge.
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"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's
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discuss his absence of character!
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- Michael Lara
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"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his
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income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as
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'unearned income.'"
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- ibid
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Between grand theft and a legal fee,
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there only stands a law degree.
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