753 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
753 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
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Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
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From: tenney@med.unc.edu (Charles R. Tenney)
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Subject: Canonical List of David Koresh Jokes
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Message-ID: <1993May18.073736.13648@samba.oit.unc.edu>
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Originator: tenney@cahaba
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Organization: UNC-CH School of Medicine
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Date: Tue, 18 May 1993 07:37:36 GMT
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Lines: 743
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Well, here is THE canonical list of Jokes about the all-but-forgotten
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little flamefest out at Ranch Apocalypse. I was myself privileged, BTU^HW
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to have left the TV on after the noontime news, through one soap opera and
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into another. Whilst fixing lunch I heard "we interrupt this program to
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bring you a special report." Yes, when I first heard of the fire, those
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people were all still alive. I got to watch the fire develop and spread,
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and get to the point where escape was difficult, then unlikely, then
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impossible. Then the fire trucks showed up. My only regret about seeing it
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was my failure to recognize that I do not own a videotape that would not
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have been worth taping over. I recall thinking that since they were worried
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about risk to the fire dep't, they could sure have used a few of those
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armored cars with water cannon in the turret, like the Polish Gov't was using
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against its own people a few years back. Hell, they're not using them now,
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and could have used the dollars we'd have paid in rent. Not that there'd be
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anything tasteful about saving the lives of those cultists, and the innocent
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children--unless the BATF, with typical forethought, had neglected to see
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that the water tanks were full, necessitating an emergency fillup at the
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nearest septic tank.
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But I digress. I honestly thought I had everything I'd seen in this file,
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but I now realize I'm missing one of the rec.humor.funny postings. I can
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tell because that contained my own "Recipe" which appears first below (hey,
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it was the first one I saw). It was attributed to "heard from a friend."
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Too bad, there were some good ones in there. This does, however, contain
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the rec.humor.funny posting that Nigel Allen posted a couple of days ago.
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I apologize for duplicates, missing attributions, and extraneous junk lines
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but I was haphazard about the way I stuck stuff in here. So, without
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further ado:
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Recipe:
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Obtain one Lamb o' God. Garnish with approximately 90 vegetables, and seal
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up tightly with Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Allow them to stew in
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their own juice for 51 days, then sear quickly using a wood fire.
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Serves 1 media circus.
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[Hmmm. That really should be "Obtain one Lamb o' God, brains removed."
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Also, it needs the "Marinate for 6 hours with CS teargas" that shows up in
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the other recipe. --CRT]
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**************************************************************8
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Q: How many Branch Davidians does it take to change a lightbulb?
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A: None, BD's use natural lighting.
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Q: How many BDs can you fit in the back of a Volkswagon?
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A: All of them, right now. The ones who left are wimps, and don't count.
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Q: Whats the heat capacity of a BD?
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A: Not high enough, apparently.
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Bonus Question: Is a BD at constant volume, constant pressure, both, or
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neither?
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A: They are sensitive to pressure and too tightly wrapped. So, constant
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volume. The final volume change is considered chaotic, and not
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indicative of their normal state. I have considered it to be
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instantaneous.
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I wanna be a Branch Davidian. I wanna find someone I love and set them on
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fire, RIGHT NOW.
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The things I can learn doing thermodynamics homework. Wow. I hope I
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spelled Branch Davidian right.
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--
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Brian Simmons, Denver,Colorado,USA. - bsimmons@csn.org
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End of article 25393 (of 25716)--what next? [^Nnpq]
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**************************************************************
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Hmmm. This just occured to me:
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Q: How many BDs can you fit into a Volkswagon ?
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A: All of them. 9 on the seats, and the rest in the ashtray...
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--
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Tony Quirke, Wellington, New Zealand. Quirke_a@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
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In article <1asa3B2w165w@hale.cts.com> system@hale.cts.com (System Administrator
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) writes:
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>
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>I was thinking, now that the Waco mob is gone, shouldn't they be
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>refered to as Ash Davidians?
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In the Calender of the Branch Davidians, Ash Wednesday follows Passover,
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having come this year on April 19.
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--
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--
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Charles R. Tenney charles_tenney@unc.edu | What would the UNC school of
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**************************************************************
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From: jcollier@nyx.cs.du.edu (julian collier)
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one thing kinda bothers me. they haven't found all that many bodies. they did
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find that one buried school bus that was cool enough to sustain life. i bet
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the davidians are hiding out somewhere underground and one day they'll pop up
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out of their tunnels with machine guns and kill all the fbi and firemen, etc
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that are poking around in the ashes.
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just a thought.
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**************************************************************
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Hot off the timbers, a receipe for Davidian Flambe'
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Ingredients:
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1 Davidian (preferably young)
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1 gallon of lantern fluid (Coleman is the best, cleaner burning)
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1 large wood frame house
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1 match
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100 Cubic Feet of CS gas
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30 Knot Southern breeze
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100 Gallons of water
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Prep:
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Marinate Davidian in CS for about 6 hours
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(add more CS as needed)
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Cooking:
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Remove Davidian from marinade and reserve liquid
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Pour 3 and 3/4 quarts of lantern fliud on frame of house
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Pour remainder on Davidian
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Light match and apply to house
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Allow to cook for 30 minutes. Or until well charred on outside
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meat should be blackened and falling of the bone.
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Put out flames with water
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Scoop 1 cup of water off charred section of floor
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Add CS marinade to water to make 2 cups of gravy
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Remove charred Davidian and cover with gravy
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Salt and pepper to taste
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Serving suggestion:
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serve with a side of asparegus and Hollandaise
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Bon Appetit'
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****************************************************************
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David KorASH & the Ash Davidians Joke List 1.0
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----------------------------------------------
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What Does WACO stand for?
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1. We Ain't Comin' Out
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2. We All Cremated Ourselves
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3. When Attacked, CookOut!
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What are they gonna call the TV Miniseries about David Koresh?
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"A Match Made in Heaven"
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What kind of pants do Branch Davidian's wear?
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Charred-Ash Jeans
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What were David KorASH's Last Words?
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"No, Bud Light!"
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"Just kidding, I'm not really God."
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"OW!!!!" <- best guess.
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What do David KorASH and Burger King Whopper have in common?
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They are both flame broiled.
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Why is David KorASH still in the news?
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Because of his smouldering personality.
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What do David KorASH and Richard Simmons have in common?
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They are both flamers.
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Why did KorASH like the Brach Davidians?
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Because they were such a bright group.
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When did the FBI get what they wanted?
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When KorASH finally went out.
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What do David KorASH and Jesus Christ have in common?
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They are both dead.
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What is KorASH wearing right now?
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His best Sunday soot.
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What else?
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Charcoal slacks.
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What else?
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A smoking jacket.
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What do you call Asian Branch-Davidians?
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Rice Crispies.
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Which Simpsons character is most like David Koresh?
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Mr. Burns
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Why didn't KorASH surrender to the FBI?
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He didn't want to be grilled by authorities.
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Why else?
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He didn't want the FBI to give him get the 10th degree.
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How is the Hindenburg like Waco, TX?
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Both have flammable compounds in them.
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Why did David KorASH have so many wives?
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They made excellent matches.
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David KorASH Favorites:
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SONG:
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I'm Burning Up
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Great Balls of Fire
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Eternal Flame
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Hot in the City
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You Light Up My Life
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Blaze of Glory
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Disco Inferno
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Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
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Burning Down the House
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MOVIES:
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Fareignheit 451
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Towering Inferno
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Last of the Red Hot Lovers
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Turk 182
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Backdraft
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Firestarter
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MUSICIANS:
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Charo
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David Byrne
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ATHELETES:
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Arther Ashe
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HOLIDAYS:
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Ash Wednesday
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I GUESS THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: IF YOU SMELL GAS, DON'T LIGHT A MATCH.
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(FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR REMARKS ON THIS TRAGIC LOSS OF PRIVATE PROPERTY)
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MORE JOKES TO COME AS THIS BURNING ISSUE DEVELOPS...
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Waldo
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waldo@indirect.com
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*********************************************************************
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In article <wwf1.735401853@Ra.MsState.Edu> wwf1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Bill Ford) write
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s:
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>geoffm@netcom.com (Geoff Miller) writes:
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>>(Thomas A. Dennis) writes:
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>>>Heard this afternoon that the Branch Davidian compound went up in flames.
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>>>The first thing that popped into my mind was, just what will become of the
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>>>Korpus Koresh?
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>
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>>You mean the Corpus Crispi?
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>
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>>Geoff
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>David H. Koresh on a pogo stick, you guys are bad. Hee.
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That would be a KoreshKabob.
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--
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--
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Charles R. Tenney charles_tenney@unc.edu | What would the UNC school of
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*********************************************************************
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"A.J. Janschewitz" <p00445@psilink.com>
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Just think ... if Bill Clintoon had his BTU tax in effect, he could
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have cleaned up on the heat generated by the Branch "Kindling" Davidians.
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Cult members ... a renewable source of energy!
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*********************************************************************
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Article 2700 in rec.humor.funny (moderated):
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Message-ID: <S540.60e5@looking.on.ca>
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Date: Thu, 22 Apr 93 3:20:02 EDT
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Subject: Special WACO, TEXAS issue
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From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator)
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Keywords: topical, chuckle, sick, religion
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Lines: 202
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Due to the large number of Branch Davidian jokes,
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I'm putting out this special issue. For those of
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you unaware of the situation, this religious group's
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compound was consumed by fire recently, ending a
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long siege by US Federal agents.
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Obviously, most of these jokes are in the "sick" or
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"offensive" category. You've been warned.
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Original jokes are so designated.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Good Ol' Texas Barbecue
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From: MSINCLAI@drew.drew.edu (Matthew Sinclair)
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[My brother, a currency trader in NYC, told me this one; he heard it on the
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trading floor soon after the burning of the Branch Dravidian's compund was
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first reported.]
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What does Waco stand for?
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What a cook out!
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Branch Davidians
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From: boyd@cs.buffalo.edu (Daniel F Boyd)
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Keywords: topical, original, chuckle
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What do you call a Branch Davidian with a fire extinguisher?
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A heretic.
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What do you call a Scientologist with a flamethrower?
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A copycat.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Try to remember... (David "Jim" Koresh)
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From: jbaltz@sci.ccny.cuny.edu (Jerry B Altzman)
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Q: Why did the compound in Waco burn to the ground?
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A: They couldn't put out the fire with their Kool Aid. (tm)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: David Koresh was gay
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From: OTTO@vaxb.acs.unt.edu (M. Otto)
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Did you hear that David Koresh was a closeted gay?
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He was flaming, but he didn't come out.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Why so few prophets?
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From: mserv@mozart.cc.iup.edu (Mail Server)
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Q: Why don't we have more prophets like David Koresh?
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A: It's such a high stress job that burnout is almost inevitable.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: What happened in Waco - history as theatre
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From: oaf@martigny.ai.mit.edu (Oded Feingold)
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Keywords: topical, original, smirk, sick, religion
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Approved: funny@clarinet.com
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The events in Waco could have been foreseen, had anyone in the FBI
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understood that David Koresh was encapsulating Jewish history.
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First they re-enacted Passover, then there was the re-enactment of the
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Warsaw ghetto uprising.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Waco: The Day After
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From: mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch)
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The Branch Davidian Church has split into two sects:
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Orthodox and Extra-Crispy.
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***
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NBC found a sponsor for the David Koresh mini-series:
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Weber Barbecues, Inc.
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***
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***
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Q: What was the most popular name for Branch Davidian children?
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A: Ashley.
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***
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Q: How can we avoid future tragedies like the Waco conflagration?
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A: Strict OSHA standards requring automatic sprinkler systems for
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all cult compounds that accomodate 50 or more fanatics.
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***
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Q: What was David Koresh's favorite breakfast cereal?
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A: Crispy Critters!
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Them Waco Wackies
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From: zarin@econ.sscnet.ucla.edu
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Keywords: topical, original, chuckle, religion
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Q: How is Waco like a Snickers bar?
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A: Roasted nuts.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Branch Davidian Membership Drive
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From: andrew@cubetech.com (Andrew Loewenstern)
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heard from my father...:
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After the tragedy at Mt. Carmel on Monday, the Branch Davidians
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will be holding a bar-b-que to attract new members.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Blaze of Glory
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From: hitz@cuhhca.hhmi.columbia.edu (Ben Hitz)
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|
Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion
|
||
|
|
||
|
Sadly enough, I made this one up:
|
||
|
|
||
|
Q: How did David Koresh find out he was Jesus Christ?
|
||
|
|
||
|
A: God spoke to him through a burning buiding.
|
||
|
|
||
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: WACO
|
||
|
From: LEMON_JOHN@tandem.com
|
||
|
|
||
|
I finally learned from a coworker what WACO stood for:
|
||
|
|
||
|
We
|
||
|
All
|
||
|
Cooked
|
||
|
Ourselves
|
||
|
|
||
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: More Texas Barbeque
|
||
|
From: cfarmer@orion.convex.com (Claude Farmer)
|
||
|
|
||
|
Heard from a coworker:
|
||
|
|
||
|
What do you get when you cross David Koresh & Jeffrey Dahmer?
|
||
|
|
||
|
Brunch Davidian (barbeque naturally).
|
||
|
|
||
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: Waco One-Liners
|
||
|
From: babb@k2.sanders.lockheed.com (Scott Babb)
|
||
|
Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion
|
||
|
|
||
|
Well, since the traditional 45 minute mourning period has passed,
|
||
|
it's time for:
|
||
|
|
||
|
BAD WACO ONE LINERS!
|
||
|
|
||
|
These are originals, thought up on the drive to work this morning:
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
Q: Why is Al Gore so upset with the Branch Davidians?
|
||
|
A: Because of their contribution to global warming.
|
||
|
|
||
|
Q: Did you hear that David Koresh lost his job as the second messiah?
|
||
|
A: He got fired.
|
||
|
|
||
|
Q: Did you hear about the tragedy at Waco?
|
||
|
A: Evidently an NBC News crew was trying to move in for a close-up...
|
||
|
|
||
|
Q: Did you know that Ranch Apocalypse had an Internet connection?
|
||
|
A: Yes, and Koresh's last news post started: "Feel free to flame me, but..."
|
||
|
|
||
|
This is too easy...
|
||
|
|
||
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: Oops! Sorry about that!
|
||
|
From: mjassels@cs.concordia.ca (Michael Assels)
|
||
|
Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion
|
||
|
|
||
|
I bet the Branch Davidians were really surprised when they
|
||
|
woke up in Hell.
|
||
|
|
||
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: Another WACO Acronym
|
||
|
From: edg@netcom.com (Ed Greenberg)
|
||
|
Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion
|
||
|
|
||
|
WACO: We're A Combustible Organization
|
||
|
|
||
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: Freedom of speech and religion
|
||
|
From: john@chance.gts.org (John R MacMillan)
|
||
|
Keywords: topical, original, smirk, religion
|
||
|
|
||
|
I was just wondering, is it ethical to yell ``Branch Davidian'' in a
|
||
|
crowded movie theatre?
|
||
|
|
||
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
||
|
********************************************************
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
How do you pick up a Branch Dividian chick?
|
||
|
|
||
|
With a dust buster.
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
Why did David Koresh burn down his compound?
|
||
|
|
||
|
He was keeping up with the Joneses.
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
What was the first thing God said when Koresh got to Heaven?
|
||
|
|
||
|
Well done.
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
--
|
||
|
Ride the steam roller or stand there whimpering and die
|
||
|
cboes@gmuvax2.gmu.edu
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
When koresh comes out of the underground bunker, if he sees his shadow
|
||
|
there'll be 6 six more weeks of winter.
|
||
|
|
||
|
Well, now's the time to move in the bulldozers and quickly lay the 15'
|
||
|
thick reinforced concrete foundations Waco Branch Davidian Memorial
|
||
|
Crematorium & Parking Lot... That should fuck up his plans for emerging
|
||
|
unscathed :-) Of course the FBI should set up listening devices in case he
|
||
|
tries tunneling, in which case the site for disposing of various chemical
|
||
|
& biological weapons will be some tunnel near Waco.
|
||
|
|
||
|
Q: What would Koresh be doing were he to be alive now?
|
||
|
A: Scratching on the roof of his bunker.
|
||
|
|
||
|
Mike
|
||
|
|
||
|
--
|
||
|
The "usual disclaimers" apply. | Meiko
|
||
|
Mike Stok | Reservoir Place
|
||
|
mike@meiko.com | 1601 Trapelo Road
|
||
|
Meiko tel: (617) 890 7676 | Waltham, MA 02154
|
||
|
|
||
|
What sound did the tank make as it demolished the wall of the compound
|
||
|
in Waco Texas?
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
Kor-eEESHH!
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: New Reality Show Scheduled for NBC This Fall
|
||
|
From: burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley)
|
||
|
|
||
|
NBC announced plans for a new show this fall that essentially revives
|
||
|
an old show: "The FBI".
|
||
|
|
||
|
Scripts are only now being worked on, but the theme music for the show
|
||
|
has already been decided:
|
||
|
|
||
|
"We didn't start the fire..."
|
||
|
|
||
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: Waco/David Koresh
|
||
|
From: 73256.3042@compuserve.com (Phil Salkie)
|
||
|
Keywords: topical, chuckle, original
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
Well, David Koresh is going to go down in the annals of psychiatric
|
||
|
history. He's the first person ever to have a 1400 acre Messiah
|
||
|
complex.
|
||
|
|
||
|
I can't believe that the FBI, with all its resources, didn't know what
|
||
|
would happen once they sent the tanks in. After all, even a first-year
|
||
|
medical student knows that a compound fracture is always followed by
|
||
|
an inflammation.
|
||
|
|
||
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: Waco jokes missing from the Special Issue
|
||
|
From: glreno@afterlife.ncsc.mil (Gerald Reno)
|
||
|
|
||
|
These were floating around the office, but not in your special issue!
|
||
|
|
||
|
How do you pick up a Branch Davidian woman?
|
||
|
With a dust-buster
|
||
|
|
||
|
What did God say to David Koresh when he met him?
|
||
|
Well done.
|
||
|
|
||
|
What is the new Branch Davidian holiday?
|
||
|
Ash Monday.
|
||
|
|
||
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
Subject: New Taste Treat
|
||
|
From: mrs@netcom.com (Morgan Schweers)
|
||
|
|
||
|
Sent to me by a friend... (sej@aol.com)
|
||
|
|
||
|
From the blackened hills of Apocalypse Ranch . . .
|
||
|
|
||
|
WACO CRISPS (tm)
|
||
|
Tangy Self-Fried Zealots
|
||
|
_Now flavored with spicy pepper gas!_
|
||
|
|
||
|
Waco Crisps (tm) . . . a tempting taste-treat containing a healthy blend of
|
||
|
gun nuts, battered and smoked kid, and chunks of genuine imitation Lamb of
|
||
|
God.
|
||
|
|
||
|
Another quality snack the makers of MOVEable Feasties and Jonestown
|
||
|
Jambalaya.
|
||
|
|
||
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
What do you have when you put Dahmer, Koresh and Mike Tyson in the same room?
|
||
|
|
||
|
The butcher, the baker and the license plate maker. (Stolen from a.t.j)
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
Vinnie Jordan vinniej@sco.COM
|
||
|
"Liberace was a great piano player, but he sucked on the organ." Mike Oxbig
|
||
|
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
In article <1993May11.145039.11910@cc.umontreal.ca> coady@ERE.UMontreal.CA (Mich
|
||
|
ael Coady) writes:
|
||
|
>Hello all,
|
||
|
> Hope you can forgive me if this one has already made the rounds,
|
||
|
>but what do you get when you cross Jeffrey Dahmer and David Koresh?
|
||
|
>Brunch Davidian.
|
||
|
|
||
|
It has already made the rounds, and I don't forgive you.
|
||
|
|
||
|
At least this post gave me an opening for an interesting tidbit of
|
||
|
information I happened across recently. I was browsing through my newest
|
||
|
textbook, "201 Russian Verbs", when quite by accident I noticed that the
|
||
|
Russian word "korish'" means "you are smoking". No shit. "Smoking" as in
|
||
|
"smoking a cigarette", but still...
|
||
|
|
||
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
"This machine is called a 'death-ray projector' and a Sean McAfee
|
||
|
ruby is put in to act on the light molecules. Thus, the smmcafee@mtu.edu
|
||
|
waves of light are broken down." --from "Gamera vs. Barugon"
|
||
|
|
||
|
Found this on rec.humor.funny
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
Now that the crisis in Waco is settled, the Justice Department
|
||
|
has embarked on a search for other Branch Davidian cultists from
|
||
|
across the country.
|
||
|
|
||
|
Initially, they were going to put their pictures on milk cartons,
|
||
|
but then decided match books would be more appropiate.
|
||
|
Article 2757 (2 more) in rec.humor.funny (moderated):
|
||
|
Message-ID: <S555.5b12@clarinet.com>
|
||
|
Date: Thu, 13 May 93 12:20:02 EDT
|
||
|
Subject: But he sure got nailed
|
||
|
From: mjamroz@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Margaret Jamroz)
|
||
|
Keywords: topical, smirk, religion
|
||
|
Lines: 14
|
||
|
|
||
|
After examining the remains of David Koresh, apparently they found a hole in
|
||
|
his forehead.
|
||
|
|
||
|
No mention of any in his hands or feet, though.
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
maggie jamroz
|
||
|
northwestern university medical school
|
||
|
--
|
||
|
--
|
||
|
Charles R. Tenney charles_tenney@unc.edu | What would the UNC school of
|
||
|
| Medicine want with my opinions?
|
||
|
"My karma ran over my dogma." | What would I want with theirs?
|