textfiles/humor/JOKES/jokin-26.txt

The husband came home from the flea market and said to his wife:
-"Come out here, look what I bought !   A cage for tigers."
-"Are you in sane ?   What are you going to put inside it ?"
-"Hey, listen here, I don't ask *you* things like that when you buy a bra."

-"My family is angry with me because I like pancakes."
-"Why ?  A lot of people like pancakes; I like them too."
-"Really ?   Do you want to see my collection ?   I have more than 700."

-"Are you interested in sports ?"
-"No."
-"Do you smoke ?"
-"No."
-"Do you drink ?"
-"No."
-"Do you chase Women ?"
-"No."
-"What do you then do when you want to have fun ?"
-"I throw eggs on fans."


                THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
            (Must be read with an Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.  She
brings me only one piss.  I tella her I want two piss.  She say
go to the toilet.  I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna
my plate.  She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma
bitch.  I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
  Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.  The waitress brings
me a spoon and knife but no fock.  I tella her I wanna fock.  She
tell me everyone wanna fock.  I tell her you no understand.  I
wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the
table, you sonna ma bitch.
  So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand.  I wanna shit on my bed.  He say you better
not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
  I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna go back to Italy.

Three young, intelligent and very attractive women were hired into a
prestigious, large American company.  After they had been working for one
full year, their boss called them in to his office and said, "Congratulations!
You are all stellar performers, and each of you will now receive a promotion,
and an office with your name on the door."
  After a week had gone by, two of the women had moved into their offices.  The
third, feeling rather concerned, stepped into her boss's office and asked him
why she didn't have her name up on a new office yet.
  Her boss pushed himself back from the the desk, unzipped his fly, and said,
"See this?  This is Quality.

	It was midnight on the ocean,
	Not a streetcar was in sight.
	The sun was shining brightly,
	It had rained all day that night.
	A barefoot boy with shoes on
	Stood sitting on the grass.
	A bumble bee flew by
	And a streetcar stopped to let it pass.

	One fine day in the middle of the night,
	The ocean caught on fire.
	The deaf man heard it,
	The blind man saw it
	And the dumb man called the fire brigade.
	They came tearing through the streets
	Draw by six dead horses
	(Ran over a dead cat and killed it)
	And arrived five minutes before the fire even started.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looking for a good time?

Call 1-900-555-1212, and speak to the most beautiful operators
West of the Atlantic!

Hear them say "What city please, big boy?"

They'll get you hot, asking you "What's the party's name, you luscious
piece of man-meat?"

When you say "John Smith, S-M-I-T-H." they'll ask questions
like "Is that 's' as in 'suck', or 'f' as in 'feel', cutey pie?"

These operators will beg you for more, with lines like "Ohhhh.  There
are three Smiths.  More, more, I need _more_ information.  How about a
street adress, you sexy caller, you!"  

They'll whisper sweet nothings, like "You're so cute when you tell me
a street adress!  Say it again!  Say '125 Catfish Lane' again.
Oooohh."

Listen to them tease you with "I'm sorry, that's an unlisted number,
but mine's not!  Thanks for calling 1-900-555-1212!  Call back soon!"

So dial 1-900-555-1212 right now!  Only $4.11 for the first minute,
and $9.11 for every minute there after!  Kids, ask your parents before
you call!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
OBJ. sign on the above bomb project, "Closed: Gone Fission"!

Q:  What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A:  "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?"

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a
   car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

PS  Why do blondes drive cars with tilt-adjustible steeringwheels?
			                           - More head room

A supposed conversation between the founder of Cornell, Ezra Cornell, and
the first president of Cornell, Andrew White:
Cornell: I am going to found an institution where any person can find
         instruction in any subject.
White: What a great idea! But you're going to get a flood of people who
       want to go there!?!
Cornell: Not where I'm going to found it. :--)

..... So two physicists are sitting on a park bench eating lunch. One looks up,
sees a dog licking himself beetween the legs and flatly states: "You know --
I sure wish I could do that." The other, without looking up from his lunchbox
responds: "Yeah, but you sure better pet him first." ......
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        HOW GUYS THINK

        By Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist
         From The Boston Sunday Globe, August 20, 1989

Today we're going to explore the mysterious topic of How Guys Think, which has
baffled women in general, and the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine in
particular, for thousands of years.

The big question, of course, is:  How come guys never call?  After successful
dates, I mean.  You single women out there know what I'm talking about. You go
out with a guy, and you have a great time, and he seems to have a great time,
and at the end of the evening he says, quote, "Can I call you?"  And you -
interpreting this to mean "Can I call you?" - answer: "Sure!"

The instant you say think, the guy's body starts to dematerialize.  Within a
few seconds you can stick a tire iron right through him and wave it around:
in a few more seconds, he has vanished entirely, gone into the mysterious Guy
Bermuda Triangle, where whole squadrons of your dates have disappeared over
the years, never to heard from again.

Eventually you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you, some kind
of emotional hang-up or personality defect that your dates are detecting.  Or,
possibly, foot odor. You start having long, searching discussions with your
women friends in which you say such things as:  "He really seemed to like me"
and "I didn't feel as though I was putting pressure on him" and "Would you
mind, strictly as a friend, smelling my feet?"

This is silly.  There's nothing wrong with you.  In fact, you should interpret
the behavior of your dates as a kind of guy *compliment* to you.  Because when
the guy asks you if he can call you, what he's really asking you, in Guy Code,
is will you marry him.  Yes.  See, your basic guy is into a straight-ahead,
bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the
infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with
calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway.  So here's
what the guy is thinking: If he calls you, you'll go out again, and you'll
probably have another great time - so you'll probably go out again and have
*another* great time, and so on until the only possible *option* will be to
get married.  This is classic Guy Logic.

So when you say "Sure!" in a bright and cheery voice, you may think you're
simply indicating a willingness to go out again, but as far as he's concerned,
you're endorsing a lifetime commitment that he is quite frankly not ready to
make after only one date, so he naturally decides he can never see you again.
>From that day forward, if he spots you on the street, he'll sprint in the
opposite direction to avoid the grave risk that the two of you might meet,
which would mean he'd have to ask you if you wanted to get a cup of coffee,
and you might say yes, and pretty soon you'd be enjoying each other's company
again, and suddenly a member of the clergy would appear at the table and
*you'd
have to get married - Aieeeeeee!*

(You woman think this is crazy, right?  Whereas you guys out there are nodding
your heads.)

So, my advice for single women is that if you're on a date with a guy you
like, and he asks whether he can call you, you should give him a
non-threatening answer, such as:  "No"

Or:  "I guess so, but bear in mind that I'm a nun."

This will make him comfortable about seeing you again, each time gaining the
courage to approach you more closely, in the manner of a timid, easily
startled woodland creature such as a chipmunk.  In a few years, if the two of
you really do have common interests and compatible personalities, you may
reach the point where he'll be willing to take The Big Step, namely, eating
granola directly from your hand.

No matter how close you become, however, remember this rule:  Do not pressure
the guy to share his most sensitive innermost thought and feelings with you.
Guys hate this, and I'll tell you why:  If you were to probe inside the guy
psyche, beneath that macho exterior and the endless droning about such things
as the 1978 World Series, you would find, deep down inside, a passionate,
heartfelt interest in: the 1978 World Series.  Yes.  The truth is, guys don't
*have* any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings.  It's time you women
knew!  All these years you've been agonizing about how to make the
relationship work, wondering how come he never talks to you, worrying about
all the anquished emotion he must have bottled up inside.  And, meanwhile,
he's
fretting about how maybe he needs longer golf spikes.  I'm sorry to have to
tell you this.  Maybe you *should* become a nun.

Anyway, I hope I've cleared up any lingering questions anybody might have
regarding guys, as a gender.  For some reason, I feel compelled to end this
with a personal note:

Heather Campbell, if you're out there, I just want to say that I had a really
nice time taking you to the Junior Prom in 1964, and I was a total jerk for
never, not once, mentioning this fact to you personally.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
     
Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
semi-regular basis".  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then she will get on with her life.
     
A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want
you to know there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the
"I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have
made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.
     
Sex:
     
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30 - 45
seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part
of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This
is why high school romances rarely work.
     
Hats:
     
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
     
Comedy:
     
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.  Immediately, the men will
get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the
actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.  The women will roll their eys
and groan and wait it out.
     
Handwriting:
     
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note
>from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.
     
Bathrooms:
     
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
>from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
     
Magazines:
     
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's
magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is
hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
     
Groceries:
     
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he goes
grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
     
Going out:
     
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
putting on her makeup...
     
Shoes:
     
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers.  She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under
her desk.
A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
     
Leg warmers:
     
Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them
any time she wants.
     
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".
     
Cats:
     
Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
     
Mirrors:
     
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
     
Garages:
     
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things.   They hang license plates in garages,
and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches
in garages.
     
Movies:
     
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's
face in "Public Enemy".
     
Jewelry:
     
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
     
Menopause:
     
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree of
the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
     
The Telephone:
     
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
     
Low Blows:
     
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.
One of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."  The man doubles over and
actually feels pain.
     
Directions:
     
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.  Men consider this
to be a sign of weakness.
Men will never stop and ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle
for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found
a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood.  I recognize
that White Hen store".
     
Admitting Mistakes:
     
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
     
Richard Gere:
     
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
at the health club and dates only married women.
     
Offspring:
     
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A
man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
     
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
     
Nudity in Movies:
     
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a *man*.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
     
David Letterman:
     
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
bad haircut.
     
Cameras:
     
Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4,000 for
state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.
Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
     
Politics:
     
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things
such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and
getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on
election night.
     
Locker Rooms:
     
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex.  And not in abstract
terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.
     
Laundry:
     
Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he
is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat.  This is a myth.
     
Weddings:
     
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
     
Cheerleaders:
     
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
     
Socks:
     
Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
     
Toys:
     
Little girls love to play with toys.  Then, when they reach the age of 11
or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys.  As they older, their
toys simply become more expensive and impractical.  Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything
that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.
     
Plants:
     
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The man
waters the plants.  The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment
full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
     
Mustaches:
     
Some men look good with mustaches.  Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
     
Nicknames:
     
WIth the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
Brain and Useless.

me a HANDJOB first, si?"

[children scream, yell, cheer]

[another knock at the door;  Miss Evonne bounces over and answers;  an older
 black man dressed in a stunning outfit with a crown, and a middle-aged
 woman dress in surfing-movie garb of the 60's]

Peewee: "Look, boys and girls;  its Miss Renee and the King of Cartoons!"

Miss Renee: "Well...  I always knew you people were swingers..."

[attention focuses on the King;  the king postures, throws his arm in the 
air and exclaims his royal decree:]

the King: "Ladies and Gentlemen; Boys and Girls; Let the HANDJOBS begin!!!"

[children scream, yell, cheer;  Peewee giggles impishly;  
           story deteriorates to a low-budget porn flick.....

There were two male students pissing in a bathroom. One was from MIT and
the other from Carnegie Mellon. After they finished the MIT student
washed his hands and the CMU student didn't. Sarcastically the MIT
student said, 'You know, we wash our hands after pissing in MIT.'
'Well', says the CMU student, 'We don't piss on our hands in CMU.'

What do Polish women and hockey play have in common?
They both change their pad every three periods.

Two Polish guys are in the forest chopping wood. One of them raises his ax, but
it slips and he cuts his ear off. His friend rushes him to the hospital. The
doctor tells the friend, go back and find his ear; we can re-attach it. The
friend rushes back to the woods, searches around, and finds an ear lying in
the leaves. He picks it up and rushes back to the hospital. I found your
ear, he exclaims to the injured guy, showing him the ear he picked up. That's 
not my ear, he says. Mine had a pencil behind it.

               New Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991.
                                You Must Comply
        old                             new
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
conservative                    reactionary
The Establishment               White Power Elite
hearing person                  temporarily aurally abled
sighted person                  temporarily visually abled
blind                           visually challenged
mute                            vocally challenged
dead                            metabolically different
alive                           temporarily metabolically abled
ugly                            aesthetically challenged
rude                            politically correct (tm)
psychopath                      socially misaligned
bald                            follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male             oppressed
white                           melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive
white male                      oppressor
black                           african-american
asian                           asian-american
afro-american                   african-american
pregnancy                       parasitic oppression
janitor                         sanitation engineer
dish washer                     utensil sanitizer
dairy                           where cows are raped
ranch                           where cattle are murdered
egg ranch                       where hens are raped
biology department              where animals are tortured and then murdered
                                to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white
                                male scientist lakeys of the imperialistic
                                drug companies
fishing                         raping the oceans
farming                         exploiting mother earth
paper bag                       processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe.  Here is a partial
list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject
to change without notice).

old                     80's                    90's
---                     ----                    ----
deaf                    hearing impaired        aurally challenged
dumb                    speech impared          orally challenged
blind                   sight impaired          visually challenged
retarded                mentally handicapped    mentally challenged
queer                   gay/homosexual          queer [strange but true]
fat                     big boned               alternative body image
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+

    Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a 
    mother and child.
                           -"Vice President" Dan Quayle


____________________________________________________________________
        It be Revelations bro!
	~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  De Revelashun uh Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, t'shew
unto his servants wahtahmelluns which must sho'tly mosey on down to pass;
and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John, dig dis:
Who bare reco'd uh de wo'd uh God, and uh de testimony uh Jesus Christ,
and uh all wahtahmelluns dat he saw.

Blessed be he dat eyeballed, and dey dat hear de wo'ds uh dis
prophecy, and keep dose wahtahmelluns which are written derein, dig dis: fo'
de time be at hand.

Raz'tus to de seven churches which are in Asia, dig dis: Grace be unto ya', and
peace, fum him which is, and which wuz, and which be to come; and fum de
seven Spirits which are befo'e his drone;

And fum Jesus Christ, who be de faidful witness, and da damn fust
begotsten uh de wasted, and da damn prince uh de kin's uh de eard. Unto him dat
loved us, and wuzhed us fum our sins in his own blood,

And had made us kin's and priests unto God and his Fader; t'him be
glo'y and dominion fo' eva' and ever.  Ah be baaad... Amen.  'S coo', bro.

Behold, he comed wid clouds; and every eye shall see him, and dey
also which pierced him, dig dis: and all kindreds uh de eard shall wail cuz' of
him.  'S coo', bro. Even so, Amen.  'S coo', bro.

ah' am Alpha and Omega, de beginnin' and da damn endin', said de Lo'd,
which is, and which wuz, and which be to come, de Almighty.  Slap mah fro!

ah' John, who also am yo' broder, and companion in tribulashun, and
in de kin'dom and patience uh Jesus Christ, wuz in de isle dat be called
Patmos, fo' de wo'd uh God, and fo' de testimony uh Jesus Christ.

ah' wuz in de Spirit on de Lo'd's day, and heard behind me some great
voice, as uh a trumpet,

Sayin', ah' am Alpha and Omega, de fust and da damn last, dig dis: and, 
What dou seest, scribble in some scribblin', and  t'row it unto de seven 
churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, 
and unto Dyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.
Sheeeiit.

And ah' turned t'see da damn voice dat spake wid me.  What it is, Mama! 
And bein' turned, I saw seven golden kindlesticks; And in de midst uh de 
seven kindlesticks one likes unto de Son of man, cloded wid some garment 
waaay down t'de foot, and girt about da damn paps wid a golden girdle.  
What it is, Mama!

'Sup, dudes 'haid and his fros wuz honky likes wool, as honky as snow; and
his eyes wuz as some flame uh fire;
And his feet likes unto fine brass, as if dey burned in some furnace;
and his voice as de sound uh many boozes.

And he had in his right hand seven stars, dig dis: and out uh his moud went a
sharp twoedged swo'd, and his countenance wuz as de sun shined in his
strengd.
And when ah' saw him, ah' fell at his feet as wasted. And he laid his right
hand downon me, sayin' unto me, Fear not; ah' am de fust and da damn last, 
dig dis:

ah' am he dat lived, and wuz wasted; and, behold, ah' am alive fo'
 evermo'e, Amen; and gots' de keys uh hell and uh dead.

Write da damn din's which dou gots'tat seen, and da damn din's which are, and
de wahtahmelluns which shall be hereafter;
 De mah'stery uh de seven stars which dou sawest in mah' right
hand, and da damn seven golden kindlesticks. De seven stars are da damn angels
uh de seven churches, dig dis: and da damn seven kindlesticks which dou sawest
are de seven churches.
________________________________________________________________

	[produced by piping Revelations through the 'jive' filter and
		editing the output to make it look good. What it is Mama! ]
				turns into people.

How many American Colonists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they didn't have light bulbs back then!!!!!

How many Founding Fathers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson hold the ladder, Ben
Franklin thinks of a way to invent one.

How many French Revolutionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they were all guillotined.

What was the First President's bathroom called?
The Washingroom.

What college did Lord Charles Cornwallis attend?
Yorktown U. (and he failed miserably!)

What do you get when a steamroller hits James Madison?
Madison Avenue.

James Madison is expecting an appointment.
His secretary says to the visitor, "I'm soory, sir, the President
STILL can't see you!"

What is another name for King George III?
George the Nerd.

New slogan on T-shirts: Patrick Henry- Radical Dude!

Another T-shirt slogan: My grandfather went to Philadelphia to sign
to Constitution and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!

What do you get when you put Thomas Jefferson in a Cuisernart?
Jeffercelery.

What do you get when you put Jefferson's home in a Cuisernart?
Monticelery.

What do you get when you put Dolly Madison in a Cuisernart?
Ice cream.

What go you get when you put William Pitt-Earl of Chatham in
a Cuisernart?
Split Pitt.

What do you call a religious Pitt?
PulPitt.

What do you call a wet Pitt?
PoolPitt.

Some interesting names:
Marquis duh Laughayette
Marie Antuhnette
Napoleon Bunnyparte
Robert R. Livingroom
George Washingroom
Chief Justice John Marshmellow
Henry Clay-Playdoh
Qbert Gallatin
John Quincy Adams-Iggy the Iguana Man
Samuel Adams-Tiny Toon
Franklin Pierce-14th President: Frankie Goes to Hollywood
James Puchanan-15th President

To the tune of the Addams family:

Sam Adams was a rebel
He rang the Liberty Bell
The tea fell in the water
The Adams family.

John Adams became President
HIs son followed in his footsteps
Oh! the country's a mess
The Adams family.

His wife was Abigail
She fell in a garbage pail
And rolled down a hill
The Adams family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


What do you get when you cross a Founding Father with an American
novel?
Moby Dickinson.

What is the least likely saying you'd hear from John Paul Jones?
"I have not yet begun to puke!!!"

What do you get when you cross a simiam with a President?
Ape Lincoln.

What do you get when Napoleon attempts to get British artillery?
Napoleon Blownapart.

What do you get when you put Napoleon in a microwave?
Napoleon Nukaparte

Why to bomb Saddam Hussein with condoms?
Because he's the mother of all wars.

This young man walks into one of those variety stores that sells just
about everything.  He asks the manager for a job.
Manager:  Well son, I usually don't like to hire people unless they have
some experience but I like the looks of you so I tell you what, do
you see that man over there?  He's the best salesman in the country.  He'll
show you how its done, but pay close attention because you only have
one chance to get it right.
  The first customer walks in and sets a box of grass seed down on the
counter.  The salesman tells the young man to watch closely.
Salesman: Sir, would you like a lawnmower with your grass seed?
Customer: No thank you.  Just the grass seed today.
Salesman: Well sir, I'm just trying to save you a trip.  When you get home and 
plant that grass, its going to spring up in no time and you'll
have to come back down here to buy a lawnmower.  Right now, I just so happen
to have lawnmowers on sale...
Customer: Ok. Sure, I'll take a lawnmower too. 
The next customer walks in and sets a box on tampons down on the
counter.  The salesman tells the young man its his turn to try it out.
Young Man: Would you like a lawnmower with that sir?
Customer:  A LAWNMOWER????
Young Man: Well it looks like your weekend's shot anyway, so you might as well 
           mow the grass.

Sung to the tune of 'Lola' by the Kinks.
 
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobar
where it bubbles all the time
like a giant carbonated soda,
S O D A, soda,
 
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
well, I asked him his name
and in a raspy voice he said Yoda,
Y O D A, Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
 
Well, I've ben around but I ain't never seen
a guy who looks like a muppet
but he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
 
Now, I left home just a week before,
and I ain't never been a Jedi before
but Obi-Wan said "You stay the course,
   You go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force."
 
Now, I'm not the kind that'll argue with Ben
So it looks I'm gonna start all over again
with my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
 
So I picked up some rocks,
Just by using my head,
But I won't forget what Yoda said, he said
"Luke, stay away from the darker side,
  and if yo ustart to go astray let the Force be your guide."
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
 
He said, "I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed,
        But, remember if you kill him then
        you'll be unemployed!"
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
 
Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
so it looks like I'll be leaving Yoda, I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be making these movies till I'm old and grey!
 
The Long-term contract I hadda sign
means I'll be making these movies till the end of time
with my Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
 
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
(continue to fade...)
 
  What's the difference between
       a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
       You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

  What's the difference between
       a sorority girl and a porta-toilet?
       On a porta-toilet, the hole is smaller and it smells better.

  What's the difference between
       a sorority girl and a pay toilet?
       A pay toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

  What's the difference between
       a sorority girl and a porshe?
       Not _everybody_ has been in a porshe.

  What's the difference between
       a sorority girl and a 747?
       About 50 pounds.

  What's the difference between
       a sorority girl and a cinder block?
       If somebody held a gun to your head, you could eat a cinder block.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
                20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek"
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
 
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly alright.
 
3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
 
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny
hat.
 
5. The crew ofthe Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.
 
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
 
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without serious incident.
 
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
 
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.
 
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
 
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
 
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.
 
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
 
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
 
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
 
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.
 
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.
 
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
 
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
 
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

An employee of McDonnell Douglas in CA made a habit of robbing 
convenience stores while on his breaks from work.  One night, he 
went to rob a 7-11.  Not wanting to be recognized, he wore a mask 
during the robbery.  What he failed to do was take off his McDonnell
Douglas badge.  The in-store video camera got a nice photo of his 
badge, complete with picture, name and employee number.

--------------------------------------------------------
Sit ye downe whilst I recaunte -The Tale of the Haggis-

'Twas ay briyte an' bonnie day what the mid'o'Sevvenmonth
When -Who couad'a ken?- Th'graete Sheep o'Mouir came
A-Saddlin' rayte thru th'bleedin' fields w'his graete
Heade a-swayin' leafte n'rayte a'chewin th'verie
Branchyes from th'trees and pawin'up th'graonde with
greate hoofiewoofies t'rend n'gash

Wall.. It wearnete that fearsom, t'tell th'truth,
Bute it were a sight huger than a hoose with graete
Eyelashes unde a fleece muche like a graete woode
O fluffy rowps.  Ay, it were a graete feeder too, 
wit'a mowth as graete as a bleedin' bayrn door.

Ay, Ah remembre it well...

Well, MacDougal he ken it twere a plenty goode tyeme
T'Be doin' awaye with this graete pest for it twas 
Aetin' him near awt o'hearthe n'home...
So what didhe do, that git MacDougal?  Lissen t'me 
Clowse fur I shall'nt be tellin ye this tayle twyce.

MacDougal he got hisself a graete steamin' cauldron
And he filln'it with oats an' apple pits an parsely,
All sort o'trype what he ken were eatin bye the Sheep.
That done, he left it t'boyle a wee bit until the sheep
Came oop aowt o'the Miuer t'see what was a-cookin upside
Th'crag.  When he fauwnd th'cauldron all boyleing with
His fayvorit vittles he owmpenned his graete mowth
And swallowed it whole, fiyre an'all.

Ay, the sheep it was a ryte styuped beeste.

So what did it do, that infarnal sheep?
Here's the wunder ofitall.  It ran to the shores of Loch Lomund
A good twenty, tharty leagues 'r so.  
There it drank, an' drank, an'drank 'til it was full
Full fit t'burst, it twas.  

Ay, an'it did.  An'it did, tuh.

It bleedin' exploded.

Ah am nay pullin'yer leg ye git.  He bloody well did!

Wall, that's how it came t'be that haggis farst blessed
The bonnie hills o'Scotland.  What with all them starvin'
an huddled masses.  Pickin th'guts off the gutters.

Its a bleedin' FACT.

An a plesant daye t'ye too.  Bleedin' ponce.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
   A man was very shy, and couldn't speak to more than two people at a
time without getting nervous.  His boss and wife both suggested that he
take an Andrew Carnegie course.
   He did take the course, and was such a success that they asked him to
give the commencement speech for his class.  He gave his talk on "How 
An Active Sex Life Helps a Marriage".  It was an overwhelming success.
   When he got home, his wife asked what he spoke about.  Embarrassed
to tell the truth, he told her "My Experiences while Boating".
   A few days later, his wife ran into his instructor.  The instructor
was saying what a wonderful talk her husband had given.  Her reply was:
   "I was surprised at the topic he chose.  He has only done it twice.
The first time, he got sea-sick, and the second time, he fell off!  

The conductor is about to start the orchestra rehearsal again after a break,
when he notices that one of the violists is sobbing. Feeling concernid, he
asks the violist "What's the problem?" With much difficulty, the violist is
able to reply "The tympani player loosened one of my tuning pegs!" The
conductor, somewhat puzzled that something so trivial would be the cause of
so much distress, says "So?" The violist replies "He won't tell me which one!"

What are two blunders said by hosts for former children's tv shows:
  Captain Kangaroo: "That ought to hold the little bastards," said just
before going off the air.
  Pee Wee Herman: "That ought to hold the little bastard," said just before
going off into the air.

     A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday afternoon.
Stupid fellow that one.  If he had looked across the street, he would have
realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and it was payday.
Virtually every person in the bank was an agent!  Needless to say, this hapless
fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...

     My cousin used to work for, er, qantel, and there were some boxes of
garbage sitting on the loading dock.  You bet someone stole them, after all,
they were labled printer boxes and such!!

     This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years
ago during a garbage strike in N.Y.  Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping
up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone
by the end of their shift.

     In College Park, GA, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La
Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out
his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that
the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer
standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel
security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local
television stations showed the tape on the evening news.

     The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers.
 Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after
his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.

     They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they
were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the
tumblers fall.  So they decided to blow the thing open.  After a loud explosion
the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off.  When they
got to the getaway car it wouldn't start.  So they each ran off in a different
direction as the sirens approached.  The police had no problem identifying
and apprehending them, though.  One of them had left his wallet on the front
seat of the getaway car.

     The other day, a South Carolina football player didn't want to be caught
with the goods, so he swallowed six rocks of crack.
     He died a few hours later.

     A mugger in NY city (about 1965) tried to mug (or rape) two women walking
through Central Park. It turned out they were roller derby queens, and they
walked on him with spike heels. I heard that he died later, but I'm not sure.

     Two muggers in Albany NY (about 1970) tried to mug someone coming out
of a grocery store. He was walking his pit bull, using a funny black belt for a leash. 
   Does anybody remember a few years back when two guys tried to hijack a
New York City subway train to Miami? 

     How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day
and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account
and even went to the same teller. Well the teller keep him busy while someone
called the police.

Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup??

If you were dyslexic AND cross-eyed, could you see ok??

"Oh, you're going to Hong Kong! You must try one of those new restaurants that
   are on boats in the harbor!"
"No thanks, I never eat junk food."  --British radio

Why did the orange lose his job at the orange juice factory?
         -- He couldn't consentrate!
 
Los Angeles Times, February 10:
New York City gave a developer permission to construct a 31-story apartment
building on Manhattan's Upper East Side.  It was later determined that the
building violates city zoning regulations, even though a faulty city zoning
map led to the error.  So the developer must remove the top 12 stories from
the building, at an estimated cost of ten million dollars.

Seen on a T-shirt out at the lunch truck:
		I FEEL MORE LIKE I DO TODAY THAN  I DID YESTERDAY

        In case you haven't been reading the newspapers-
  the high school for the performing arts at which the movie 'FAME'
  was filmed has burned down in New York City.
       I hear they're going to do a new movie..... 'FLAME'

A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber
and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time.  Talk
fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft
with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes-
ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like.  
The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh?  Well this old girl can do a few tricks you 
guys can't even touch."  Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.  
"Watch," he tells them.
   After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says,
"There!  How was that?"  Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots 
say, "What are talking about?"  Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, 
got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."


                    BEFORE THE BIG BANG:
          NEWS FROM THE HUBBLE LARGE SPACE TELESCOPE

              The Astronomer was red-eyed, pale,
                his face was gray with stubble;
                 he was 13 on a sliding scale
                    of 1 to 10 in trouble.

                "Is Physics just a fairy tale?"
               he asked, and then began to wail,
               "Why DID we seek the holy grail?
                 Why did we launch the Hubble?

              The launch was good (relax, exhale)
                 the data systems did not fail
               we peered beyond the cosmic veil,
                    the anti-cosmic double

              to back before the quarks prevail.
                 We digitized each dark detail
                  but it was all to no avail,
                 it burst our pretty bubble."

               "WHAT did you see?" I asked "Before
                   Beginning Big Bang lights?"
       (I reviews and interviews. I edits and I writes.)
     "Before the start of Time, before the Universe's Birth,
 What DID the Hubble show, ten billion years before the Earth?"
               He told me. Now I writes no more.
                    I drinks a bit. I edits.
             "Right before the Beginning," he said,
                "is when THEY roll the credits!"

----------------------------------------------------

YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can 
tell (by Michael Cassels of the "National Inquirer")

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human - 
but you can spot these visitors byy looking for certain 
tip-offs, say experts.

They listed 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes.  "Often space aliens don't fully 
understand the different styles, so they wear combinations 
that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped 
shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted 
Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.

2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits.  Space aliens might 
eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of 
pills, the experts say.

3. Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens whho don't understand 
earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film 
or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.

4. Takes frequent sick days.  A space alien might need extra 
time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, 
a theoretical biologist and futurist.

5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary.  "Aliens are constantly
gathering information." said Steiger.

6. Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid 
to paint its nails," said Steiger.

7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers.  Space aliens 
who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that 
seem stupid, Easton said.

"For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on 
the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.

8. Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won't 
discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or 
on weekends," said Steiger.

9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to 
speaking as we do,so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted.

10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 
high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a 
microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.  The experts pointed out 
that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these 
traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

-