textfiles/humor/JOKES/jokes3.txt

                      A BILL TO REGULATE THE
                     HUNTING AND HARVESTING
                          OF ATTORNEYS

     372.01  Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or
armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys
for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

     372.02  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is
permitted.  The use of United States currency as bait is, how-
ever, prohibited.

     372.03  The willful killing of attorneys with a motor
vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being
driven in reverse.  If an attorney is accidentally struck by a
motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the road-
side and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

     372.04  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys
from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.

     372.05  It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or
"Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

     372.06  It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred
(100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on
Wednesday afternoons.

     372.07  It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred
(200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country
clubs, brothels or hospitals.

     372.08  If an attorney gains elective office, it is not
necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.

     372.09  It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accoun-
tant for the purpose of hunting attorneys

     372.10  Bag Limits Per Day

               Yellow Bellied sidewinders         2
               Two-faced Tortfeasors              1
               Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators   3
               Horn Rimmed cut-throats            2
               Honest Attorneys  PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES)


From: TDCAA Prosecutors Report, found in the chambers of Judge
Lopez, 108th Judicial District, Amarillo, Texas.

There's no skid marks before the lawyer
What do you have if you have 100 lawyers drowning in a lake?
A good start.

Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields, att'ys at law

Dead Puppies aren't much fun

LAWYER: One who is skilled at circumnavigation of the law.

My senior year - The best 5 years of my life.

Truth is just another misconception.

Please donate to help the Humour Impaired

<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> IN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE <20>۲<EFBFBD><DBB2><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>

what is black and white and has two eyes?
sammy davis and sandy duncan

A jewish man comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he has
herpes.  She says Vahts dat?  He didn't know either, so she looked
it up in the medical dictionary, and said,  Don't vorry it's a
disease for the gentiles.

The doctor comes in with the results of the mans checkup and says,
I've got good news and bad news.  The man says, give me the bad
news first.  The doctor says, the bad news is you have AIDS.  The
man says oh my god, what news could be good after hearing that?
The doctor says the good news is you also have Alzheimers, so
go home and forget about it.

Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later.  His advisors
explain he has been in a coma for 3 years, and Quayle took over.
Bush asks how Quayle is doing, and his advisors say, ok but
inflation is a bit high.  Bush says, well I remember stamps
were 25 cents, how much do they cost now?  His advisor says
500 yen.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
They got ELECTRICITY up there??

Gone Chopin, be Bach in a Minuet.

A  lawyer and his brother were hunting.  A mountain lion jumped  out
in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM--  I only have to outrun
YOU."

A rooster clucks defiance-- but a lawyer. . .

A minister put a sign on his church:
       If you're through with sin
                   Come in
Somebody scrawled on it in lipstick:
              If you're not:
              Call 447-8912

RES IPSA LOQUITUR, but not clearly.

Edlin is my best word processor.

Know why that guy killed 8 people in Jacksonville the other day?
He thought GMAC meant:    Give
                          Me
                          A
                          Car

                        ***  A UNION MANS DOG  ***

   Four workers were discussing how smart thier dogs were. The first
was an engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog
was named "T-Square" and he told him to get some paper and draw a
square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named
"Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back,
and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His
dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces
into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three
men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They
all turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do ?" The
Teamster member called his dog, whose name was "Coffee Break" and
said, "Show the fellows what you can do." "Coffee Break" went over
and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the
other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for work-
man's compensation and left for home on sick leave.

  A church near my old home has a series of signs along the road that
runs past it:
      #1  This is a church.
      #2 It has no steeple.
      #3 Come on in.
      #4 And meet its people.

 A woman walks into her vets office with her poodle and sits
down next to a lady sitting with her great dane.  They get to talking
and the great dane's owner asks the poodle's owner why they are there.
The poodle's owner explains that her dog is a male and he keeps trying
to f*ck her leg so she is getting him nutered.
 The great dane's owner told her she knows just how she feels
as every time she bends over her dog gets on her ass and tries to
f*ck her.
  Poodle owner> so are you getting him nuetered also?
Great Dane owner> No I'm getting his nails clipped.


Get your Modem runnin, Head out for the Highwaves!


I married a virgin; I can't stand criticism...

Where's the bow key to match my arrow keys?

Which reminds me of the line, What has an IQ of 20 and has 7 teeth??
Front row at a Willie Nelson concert!

I remember one good line from the three stooges where Moe, talking about some
famous pianist, say "This man is the best pianist in the country!", to
which Curly replies, "Oh yea, well how is he in the city?!"

"I think feminists have a point.  I think there OUGHT to be a
'spokesperson'.  I think there OUGHT to be a 'chairperson'.  But
sometimes, they go to far.  Thay want me to call that thing in
the street a 'personhole'.  People would look up and see the
'person in the moon'.  And what would a 'lady's man' be? A
'persons's person'?  That would make a 'he-man' an 'it-person'.
And these are the things you would be hearing about on 'Late
Night with David Letterperson'....

"Have a nice day.  Maybe, just maybe, I've had 192 nice days in a row,
and I'm ready, by God, for a CRAPPY day!"

Lite salad dressing:  500 Island

Meet my pet quadraped Baud Rat.....

Who could forget the classic by Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn titled:
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly"

I kinda like "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of
Life."

A  born loser:  Somebody who calls the number that's  scrawled  in
                lipstick on the phone booth wall--  and his  wife
                answers.
I AM NOT schizophrenic.  Me neither.

--------------------------- Attachment -----------------------------

    NEWS FLASH!    NEWS FLASH!    NEWS FLASH!    NEWS FLASH!

        The heaviest known element known to science was recently
discovered by corporate research physicists.  The element,
tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and
thus has an atomic number of 0.  However, it does have 1 neutron, 15
senior vice neutrons, 60 vice neutrons, 125 assistant neutrons, and
111 assistant vice neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
morons.

         Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction it comes in contact with.  According to discoverers, a
minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over
4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one
second.

         Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3
years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice
neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  Some
studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after
each reorganization.

         Research at other laboratories indicate Administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate at
certain points such as government agencies, large corporations,
and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best
appointed, and best maintained buildings.

         Scientists point out Administratium is known to be toxic
at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any
productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.  Attempts
are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled
to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.

 Our hero is at a bar,starting to tell this joke....Shhhh!
"This jock walked into a bar on night.."
"Hey buddy".interupted the beefy bartender,leaning over toward him.
"This isn't one of those dumb-jock jokes is it"? he asked.
"Well as a matter of fact it is" answered the man. "What of it"?
"Look,I lift weights when I'm not working here.and see that guy over
there? He's a pro wrestler.And those guys over there at the end of the
bar are pro football players.You SURE you want to tell your joke here?"
asked the bartender.
"I guess you're right",replied our hero. "I'd hate to have to explain it 
5 times."

A bunch of sports-minded guys were boozing it up to excess and getting  
very loud in the process.  When the subject of the University of Georgia  
came up, one of the guys snorted: "Huh! Everybody at Georgia is either a  
dumb football player or a whore!"  Across the table, another guy stood  
up, grabbed the first guy by the collar, and said: "Oh, is that right?   
I've have you know MY DAUGHTER goes to Georgia."  First guy: "Really?   
Umm ... what position does she play?" 
 
What is 50 feet long and has no pubic hair?
The front row at a New Kids on the Block concert.

My mother-in-law kept nagging me to take her to Sea World.
I called, but they don't want her.

Welcome to the promised RAM.


Support Deadware: smoke.

here was a fire in my house, and my wife told the kids "Quiet, you'll
wake up daddy."

<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>My system goes down more than a $10 whore.<2E><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>

This guy walks up to a sheepherder, and says "I bet you one of your sheep
that I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock".
SHEEPHERDER: No way I have too many.  You have a bet.
GUY: Um....Um....Um....742
SHEEPHERDER: WOW!!! That's amazing.  OK take whatever sheep you want.
A few minutes later.......
SHEEPHERDER: HEY buddy.  I bet you double or nothing I can guess your
nationality.
GUY: I guess it's only fair.  OK!
SHEEPHERDER: POLISH!
GUY: Yeah!  How'd you know.
SHEEPHERDER: Put the dog back, and I'll explain it to you.

Oops! Did it again..this is a recording..Oops

MEMBER OF THE MARION BARRY DRUG ABUSE CLINIC

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

Don't sweat Petty things, or Pet Sweaty Things

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him

(MS)DOS is a feminist operating system
It's definitely a "mother" at times.

   Chris was enjoying a few at the local pub when a man joined him at
   the bar, swaying back and forth as he stood there.  It started to
   get on Chris' nerves, so finally he turned to the stranger and asked
   "What's with all this lurching back and forth?  Can't you stand
   still?"
   "I was with the Merchant Marines for 15 years," the fellow explained
   genially,"and the roll of the sea kinda got in my blood."
   "IS that so?  Well, I've got 14 kids," sputtered Chris, starting to
   pump his hips energetically back and forth at the bar, "and I don't
   stand like this!"

    A man had a weird illness.Whenever he broke wind,it made
    the sound"honda". He asked his doctor about it but the
    doctor after months of tests and literature-reading,could
    not figure it out.Finally,just before he was about to give
    up,he has an idea!"I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask
    the company doctor!!" Well,he called the Japanese doctor and
    was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his
    teeth somewhere. Sure enough,there is,and when it was
    treated the other affliction ended!  When th e doctor asked
    his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great
    diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the
    man replied,simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!!

When Noah was loading the animals on the ark, a pair of adders
came to the gangplank.  Noah said "I'm sorry, but I can only take
animals that can multiply, and you're adders".  They said "Well,
how are we gonna survive the flood??!!??" Noah said "I don't
know, and I wish I could help you, but I've got my orders right
from the Top." So the adders built a high platform out of tree
trunks, and stayed up on that during the flood.  When the flood
subsided and the ark docked, Noah came down the gangplank and to
his amazement was met by the two adders with a whole lot of
little adders.  He said "I didn't know you could multiply!!!"
They said "Neither did we, until we got on the log table."

     What's pink, wrinkled, and hangs out your pajamas?
            -- Your mother.

Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian

They're like vitamins only Better!...E Presley

Why did the chicken cross the road?
-  A crazy was after him with a baby in one hand
   and a stapler in the other.

Who is France's data compression hero?
Joan of ARC...

  "They put dimes in the hole in my head and
   You should see the change in me now!"

Honk if you've had Mrs. Bush

What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oil-man?
A pigeon can still make deposits on a Mercedes.

Reputation=character - what you got caught at

No one ever bets enough on the winner.

       And so...the young, innocent farmgirl finally made it to the big
city.  Upon landing her first real job as a Greyhound bus driver, she
expressed her excitement about her new job by pleasantly greeting each
passenger that she picked up along her route.
       For example...
              Early one morning, while rolling down one of the back
country roads on her route, she pulled up to a gentlemen waiting at the
bus stop right outside of the local farmers market.  The man was
standing there with a rooster, a hen, and a donkey - not an uncommon
picture around these parts.
              So, in her usual, charming manner, she pulled up and
greeted the fellow with a big smile...
            " Mornin' Sir... Should I grab your cock and pullet
til you get your ass in the door ??? "

Whats hard, and round and sticks out of your clothes far enough that
you can hang a hat on it?
-- Your head

  What's a Polish shishkebob?
     A flaming arrow through a garbage can.....

  What's the definition of macho?
        Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

  What did the Pole do when he found out he had sugar in his urine?
      He pissed on his corn flakes....

A young guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. The pharmacist
noticed that the guy was a bit confused and offered help. The
pharmacist told the guy he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a
twelve pack and explained the difference when asked. He said that the
three pack was for high school kids; one for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday. So what's the six pack for, asked the young guy?
That's for college kids; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two
for Sunday. The customer's curiosity aroused, he asked about the
twelve pack. Oh, said the pharmacist, those are for married couples;
one for January, one for February, one for March...

Rl prgmmrs dnt nd vwls

BF> Who is France's data compression hero?
BF>
BF> Joan of ARC...
And Great Britain's?
  -- Jack the Zipper

   What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
       Soup
   Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
       Their was a face off
   How do you know when a leper's poker game is over?
       They all throw in their hands
   What did the leper say to the Hooker?
       Keep the tip

    There was this def mute couple and they really wanted to make love.
 The girl said that she would, only if he had a condom. The guy then ran
 to his dresser and grabbed a 10 dollar bill. Out the door he went in search
 of a condom. When he arrived at the drug store he remembered that he didn't
 know how to sign the word condom. In desperation, he unzippered his pants
 and layed it on the counter.Then he slaped down his 10 dollar bill.
 The Pharmacist came over and looked at what the guy had done. The phamacist
 then unzippered his pants and layed his on the counter.
   "Ha mines bigger" yelled the pharmacist. He took the 10 bucks.

He's dim, Jed!

    Yesterday, while I was out driving, I got stuck behind a Line
    Painting Truck.  This wasn't one of the usual small jobs I'd
    seen before -- the thing was the size of a cement mixer, and
    had a couple of monstrous pressurized paint containers onboard.
    The traffic was backed up because they were doing the double-
    yellow center lines (which effectively blocked off half the
    street.  Eventually, I turned onto a side road to take a detour.
    As I continued home, I saw freshly painted lines everywhere...
    those guys had been busy.  (With paint canisters that big, I
    guess you can stay out a long time!)
    I also saw a dead animal lying in the center of the road, which
    isn't all that unusual.  It might have been a groundhog or a
    racoon -- when it's flattened out, it gets kinda tough to tell.
    But this animal had one unusual distinguising characteristic...
      ...two bright yellow lines running straight across his back!

I'm sorry -- my karma ran over your dogma.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
Two.  One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with Jell-O. 
 
Boredom is a feast unfit for mankind, therefore, keep busy: 
 
   H H  AAA  V V  EEE    SSS  EEE  X X   ! ! 
   H H  A A  V V  E      S    E    X X   ! ! 
   HHH  AAA  V V  EE     SSS  EE    X    ! ! 
   H H  A A  V V  E        S  E    X X 
   H H  A A   V   EEE    SSS  EEE  X X   * * 

From Sourcebook Magazine, Summer 1990, by Dan Gutman:
  Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the ground
if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone ...
  Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you would like
to leave a message for Watson, press 2 now ...
  The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply placing
and receiving calls, has become a different animal in recent years.
These days everybody has an answering machine, a speakerphone, and a
slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call waiting, Caller ID, and
last number redial are fine, but here are some options that can't be
far behind:
ON-HOLD DISRUPT. When someone puts you on hold for more than 15
seconds, a digitized voice blares over their speakerphone, "Hey!
Remember me? I don't have all day!" This option also shorts out Muzak
if it's being played.
CALL SCHMOOZING. Stuck listening to a long-winded acquaintance? Call
Schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized voice that sounds just like
you and repeats, "Uh-huh ... I see ... right" while the other party
babbles on. They think you're hanging on every word, when you're
actually getting some work done.
CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS. Your phone places call to important contacts,
trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing information, and ends
by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do lunch. Don't ever change."
GOSSIP NOTIFICATION. Company rumors are automatically broadcast to
selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted circulating gossip
translates into increased productivity.
CALL TERMINATE. Imagine being able to fire troublesome employees just
by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature for executives with
poor confrontation skills.
NETWORK EAVESDROP. A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever anyone in
the company mentions your name during a phone conversation, a voice-
activated tape recorder stores the call so you can review it later and
hear what people say about you.
SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING. Program the numbers of people you
_really_ don't want to speak with. When they dial your number, your
phone transmits a mild electric shock through their receivers.
CELLULAR CRANK CALL. On command, your car phone can dial any other car
phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver his muffler looks as
though it's about to fall off.
CALL REMINDING. Store the birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones in
your telephone's memory. On the appropriate days, the phone
automatically calls them and relays heartfelt sentiments in a
digitized voice resembling yours.
CALL INTERRUPT. When you need to end a conversation quickly, a button
on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and announce that you
have an emergency call on the line from Steve Jobs.
SUBLIMINA-CALL. Periodically during a conversation, the phone plays
subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say yes" and
"Increase my department's budget."
CHARGE FORWARDING. A quick push of a button charges any long-distance
call to the person you're calling or to friends who don't look too
closely at their phone bills.

Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
Someone dropped a ball in left field.

Why did they stop the leper football game?
There was a hand off at the line of scrimmage.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off.

What's grosser than gross?
 7 babies in a trash can.
What's grosser than that?
 1 baby in 7 trash cans.

One day a leper went into a bar and had a seat.  The waiter arrived and
took his order.
        "Scotch and soda" he said.
        He shot down the drink quickly noticing that the waiter was
becoming sick.  He got up to leave, but the waitor sat him back down
saying, "It's not you... I'll even buy you another drink."
        The waitor return in seconds with another drink for the leper.
        Again the leper shot down the drink and got up to leave, seeing
the waitor puking up lunch in the corner of the bar.
        The waitor again tried to no avail to seat the leper.
        "You keep saying that it's not me making you sick," the leper
exclaimed, "then who the hell is it?"
        "Ok," the waitor replied, "It's not you.  It's the guy next to
you...  He's drunk...  He's eating Potato chips ... and .. He's
                DIPPING THEM IN YOUR ARM!

  What do you call 100 black guys at the bottom of the ocean?
 A GOOD start.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 50 ft. cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Q2: What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?
A2: They both spread for bread.

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy uses honey and vinegar douche?
A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.

          How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit 'em, the more English they pick up.

How does the brain know where it lives?

Now, now. Don't be like the leper who threw his hands up in the air
in disgust. 

Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Sometimes my mind and waste go together...

 What do you call 1000 black guys jumping out of an airplane with out
parachutes?
 A:  Asphalt
 
How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.  One to change the bulb, the other to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.

A duck went into a drugstore to buy some condoms.
Druggist said: "You want me to put that on your bill?"
Duck said:     "Just What kind of a duck do you think I am?"

Does killing time damage eternity?

    What is the only part of Popeye that doesn't get rusty?
    The part he sticks in to Olive Oil!

  What do you get when you mix a Rooster with peanut butter?
     A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Never look a GIF. horse in the mouth.

        What is green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy?
        Kermits middle finger!!!

      How does a mexican know when he's hungry??
        His ass burns!

Born free...Taxed to death.

I NEED Kirstie Alley's home phone number!!!!!!!!!!

    How about "She Broke My Heart, So I Busted Her Jaw."

Q:  Why did the pervert cross the road?
A:  He was stuck in a chicken.

Q:  Why did the New Yorker cross the road?
A:  What's it to you??!!!!!!!!!!!?

Dyslexics should be persona au gratin.

Q:  Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A:  Chickens weren't invented yet.

What's that up the road?  A head?

       A chicken is the only animal that you can eat before it is
       born, and after it is dead!

If at first you dont succeed,forget skydiving

     Q:  How many Longshoremen does it take to change a light bulb?
     A:  Twenty-three.  You got a problem with that?

Put your modem where your mouth is!

What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and goo-ey?
--- Gum

I WAS Joan of ARC...now I'm Eileen of ZIP...

Did you hear about the sign off on the news show in the leper colony?
Its ten o'clock, do YOU know where your extremities are?

History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: What's a mile long and moves at 5 mph?
A: A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.

Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo?
A: They only had four cars.

Women do come with instructions, ask them!

If you can't beat the one you love, love the one you beat!

Nah, My wife ran off with a BAnana!  Oh, what a rotten deal!

What is long and Hard, and contains Seamen?
A Submarine!

Astronaut--Whirled traveler.
Skydiver--a guy whose talks fall flat.
Carpenter--a guy who nails down his agreement.
Surrey-makers--always looking for fringe benefits.
Soviet spy-dancer--a ballet ruse
Chinese spy--a Peiping Tom.
Harpist--a plucky musician.

     A piano player found his instrument to be out of tune
     and therefore called in the local tuner, Mr. Orlando
     Oppornokity. Mr. O. accordingly was summoned, tinkered
     with the keys, and departed. The piano player was not
     satisfied with the job, however, and called Mr. O.
     demanding that he return and do the job right. Not on
     your life, Mr. O. replied, "Oppornokity tunes but
     once."

Why don't kids fight for custody of parents?

     There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two
     women at the same time: one named Edith, in California,
     and the other named Kate, in texas. Unfortunately for
     the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest,
     discovered the truth, and confronted him with the
     following admonition: "You can't have your Kate and
     Edith, too."

I'm in search of myself, have you seen me?

   Q.  What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW
   A.  The pricks are on the outside of a Hedgehog!

What did the ship's navigator say to the midget?
"Belly-high, here's your island.....

As they say in Copenhagen..."There is nothing like a Dane."

A class lecture was being given in a large auditorium at Illinois
State University.  The professor was proceeding marily through his
notes when a large bag of Doritos came sailing down from the
balcony RIGHT AT THE PODIUM.  (apparently, a girl in the balcony
had--for WHATEVER reason--been leaning over the balcony railing with
the bag in her hand and had "accidentally" dropped it.)  When the
professor saw this approaching missile, he simply reached up, caught
it, exclaimed "Oh!  LUNCH!" and continued with his lecture without
further comment.

"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

        So the High School Shop Teacher is giving his students
        a little quiz -- he asks a girl if she can explain the
        difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt.
            "Golly!" she replied, "I've never BEEN bolted!"

The wages of sin are tax deductible

  "What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend
Tyrone.  The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and
before zipping up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle
three times.
  "You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your
dick bigger."  Bill scoffed politely.  "Naw man, I mean it.  Come on,
just humor me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your
dick against the toilet three times.  I'll bet you anything it works."
Sceptical but good natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice.  The
next morning, he pulls himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud
against the toilet.  Every morning for two weeks he performs this
procedure, and upon close inspection, he realizes his cock is indeed
almost half an inch longer.
  From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task.  One morning,
however, the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room.
  "Tyrone, is that you?"  she asks.

Yeah, Aggies can be real touchy.  Why just last week, I was swapping Aggie
jokes with a friend at a bar.  The guy sitting next to us seemed to get
redder and redder after each one.  Finally having heard enough he
announced, loudly, "I'll have you know that I'M an Aggie!"  The temptation
was too much, so I replied "Well I'll tell the next one real slow."  At
this, he stormed out of the bar.  A half hour later, I was walking out to
my car when the Aggie jumped out from behind a bush brandishing a razor!
   Luckely for me, it wasn't plugged in.

I heard a story about a student who walked into the wrong classroom during
finals week.  Since the classes are so large it wasn't obvious at first
that anything was wrong.  As soon as he got a test, he realized that he
was in the wrong place.  So, he got up, stormed to the front of the class,
slammed the paper on the desk and said, "This test is TOO DA*N HARD!" and
stormed out, to a cheering class.

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.

                      POOPIE

Ghost Poopie          the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but
                      there are no poopies in the toilet.

Clean Poopie          the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
                      toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie            the kind where you wipe your butt fifty times
                      and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some
                      toilet paper between your butt and your
                      underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie    it happens when you're done poopie-ing and
                      you've pulled your pants up to your knees and
                      you realize that you have have to poopie some
                      more.

Pop a Vein in Your Head Poopie
                      the kind where you strain so much that you
                      almost have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie
                      you poopie so much that you lose thirty pounds

Lincoln Log Poopie    the kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid
                      to flush without breaking it into little pieces
                      with the toilet brush.

Gasey Poopie          it's so noisy everyone within earshot is
                      giggling.

Corn Poopie           (self-explanatory)

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie
                      it's the kind where you want to poopie, but all
                      you do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a
                      little.

Spinal Tap Poopie     that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd
                      swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie     (the power dump) the kind that comes out of your
                      butt so fast your butt cheeks get splash with
                      water.

Bicyclist do it with chains.

    This guy has been feeling really bad for about 3 weeks
    so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "Look, I
    don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so
    why don't you go to this specialist I know." So the man
    went to the specialist and the specialist said, "Look
    you have this rare sickness, only one person every ten
    years gets it! The only cure is made in Australia in a
    little town called Mercey, about 400 miles from Sidney.
    By the way, you have 1 week to live."
        So the man took the first flight he could to Sidney,
        rented a car and drove to Mercey, Australia. When he
        got there he found it was a town with a population
        of one. The man walked up to the one house in the
        village and an old doctor answered.
           "You have to help me!" said the man,"I'm dying of
        this rare illness and I have only 4 days to live"
           So the old man invited him in. "I must give you my
        special Koala bear Tea. It is the only thing that
        will cure you."
           So the old man went out to get the supplies. One
        koala, a few birds and such, and he boiled them
        together and gave them to the man with bones and
        feathers and dirt sticking up. and the young man
        looked at it repulsed and asked if it could be
        strained. The old docter looked horrified and said,
        "Oh No, the Koala Tea of Mercy is never strained"

Cheer up!   Yesterday won't matter tomorrow.

His eyes bulged and he got headaches. The doctor says, "Look, I
don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't
you go to this specialist I know." So the man went to the
specialist and told him, "Hey, my eyes bulge and I get these
headaches. What's wrong?" The specialist said, "Look you have this
rare sickness. It's always fatal. I'm sorry, but you have only
months to live. There's only one treatment to prolong your life:
immediate castration. I'm sorry."
    Well this is a shock, but he goes for it. Later, he is out buying
some new shirts, and tells the salesman, "I take 15-33 shirts. Got
some nice cream colors?"
Salesman says, "Naw, big guy like you, he takes maybe a 16,
16-1/2."
    "No, I take 15 collars. Gimme 15 inches."
"OK, You've got them if you want, but lemme tell you, you're about
my size in the arms and shoulders, if I try tto wear 15 inch
collars, I get headaches and my eyes bulge out....."

           A Russian, an American, an English Canadian, and a French
           Canadian go camping together. One night they are sitting
           around the campfire talking about their countries.
             The Russian grabs a case of vodka, tosses it in the fire
           and shouts, "Russia has such an abundance of vodka that
           I can toss away a case without a thought".
              The American takes a wad of $100 bills from his backpack,
           tosses it in the fire and yells, "America has such an
           abundance of money that we can afford to burn cash for
           warmth".
             The English Canadian grabs the French Canadian and tosses
           him on the fire.

Of course there's Mel Fami, famous pitcher for the Yankees.
Every game he pitched was a no hitter. Every game he didn't
pitch they lost.  Went to the series, 7th game, 9th inning,
0 - 0.  Mel was nervous and for the first time in his life
he took a drink of a beer.  Got so drunk, he walked the next
five batters, and lost the game.  The manager of the other
team picked up the can of beer and said, "This is the beer
that made Mel Fami walk us."

There once was a young man named Dave
who drug a dead whore in a cave.
Now, it ain't first-class
   (f..kin' dead ass),
But LOOK at the MONEY Dave saved!

Did I make myself clear?  Translucent?

... so the husband finally let his nagging wife (redundancy?) go
deer hunting with him.  After setting her up in a blind and
waiting in his own blind a way's away, he heard a shot.  Not
believing that she bagged one before he did, he raced to her
blind to see what happened.  She was pulling on one end of the
animal while a large man was pulling on the other.  They were
arguing very loudly about whose it was when the man, in total
exasperation, finally said, "Ok lady, you can have it.  Just give
me five minutes to get the saddle off."

Save the whales.  Refrigerate 'em.

Reminds me of the guy who was out fishing all day, and frustrated with
only catching one fish, took the fish to bed with him.  His wife came to
bed and wanted to make love. "Not tonight", the fisherman replied, "I
have a haddock."

This new guy in town was visiting a local pub when he noticed a strange
looking machine next to the bar.  The bartender told him it is a piss
analysis machine.  The new guy wanted to try it out.  He pissed in
the machine and threw in a loonie.  10 seconds later, the machine spat
out a card that says "You need glasses".
    "This is bullshit!  How can the machine tell if I need glasses from
 my piss?"
  He decided to give it another try.  So he went home, collected piss
from his wife, his daughter and his dog and mixed it all up.  Then,
he added couple drops of Quaker State from his car and finally, as
good measure, he jerked off into the brine.
  The next day, he went back to the pub.  He poured the solution into
the machine and inserted anotehr loonie.  This time, the machine struggled
and took almost 5 minutes to come up with an answer.
  "Your dog has flees, you wife is dating a Latin lover, your daughter
 is pregnant by a Haitian drug user, your car is about to blow up and
 if you don't stop jerking off, you'll go blind."

I want a modem that talks!!

          What do you call an Italian suppository???
                    an Inuendo?

          What do you call an Italian astronaut???
            a specimen..