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From larry@uts.amdahl.com Sun Nov 27 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: larry@uts.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman)
Subject: politics, dirty tricks
Keywords: swearing, true, chuckle
Date: 27 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
(Heard from a friend in New York in about 1970.)
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a "pig fucker."
Lyndon's campaign manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!"
Johnson replied, "I know that, but I want to make him deny it."
--
From peterr@sco.UUCP Tue Nov 29 10:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: peterr@sco.UUCP
Subject: Healing by the pipes
Keywords: smirk
Date: 29 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.
When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.
--
peter
uunet!sco!peterr
--
From 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca Thu Dec 1 05:30:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca (John Palmer)
Subject: It goes both ways
Keywords: sexual, chuckle, offense=men, swearing
Date: 1 Dec 88 11:30:06 GMT
(Urer'f n srznyr punhivavfg wbxr V unira'g frra ba gur arg:)
N engure ybhq-zbhgurq zna fjnttrerq vagb n juberubhfr naq naabhaprq
gb gur znqnz, "Oevat n ynql jvgu ernyyl ovt gvgf naq n ernyyl gvtug chffl!"
N srj zbzragf yngre gur zna jnf nccebnpurq ol bar bs gur rzcyblrrf:
"Rkphfr zr, fve. Ner lbh gur zna jvgu gur ovt zbhgu naq gur gval cevpx?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From TheMessenger@cit5.cit.oz.au Thu Dec 1 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: TheMessenger@cit5.cit.oz.au (TheMessenger)
Subject: God and The Post Office
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 1 Dec 88 16:30:04 GMT
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
A nice young worker from Australia Post ( yes they do exist ), was sorting
through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as
follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old
lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of
$100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her
fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few
weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened
it and it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however
I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
--
From msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu Wed Dec 7 19:35:24 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu (Mark Robert Smith)
Subject: Re: Rec.humor.funny is dead, film at 11
Keywords: dead, cut-off, pressure tactics
Date: 8 Dec 88 01:35:24 GMT
Organization: M. R. Smith Consulting, New Brunswick, NJ
Well, it seems that JEDR got his way... I saw this in rec.humor.d,
and thought it oughta be brought over here.
Maybe one of Brad's supporters will come forward and give him a feed?
Mark
--------------------------------------------------------------------
In article <10279@watdragon.waterloo.edu> jyegiguere@lotus.waterloo.edu (Eric Giguere) writes:
| Well, if anyone's been wondering why rec.humor.funny's been inactive,
| here's the reason:
|
| "Joke editor loses access to computer"
|
| This is on the front page of today's Kitchener-Waterloo Record. I won't
| quote the whole article, but the gist of it is that Brad Templeton has
| lost his access to the University of Waterloo's UNIX systems, and hence
| to USENET. To quote the article:
|
| "And the university won't renew Brad Templeton's status unless
| he agrees to stop transmitting offensive racial jokes through
| the UW computer system, university officials were expected to
| announce at a press conference today."
|
| On top of that, the UW's president is forming a committee to "look into the
| whole question of computer facilities and how they're being used".
|
| Then they talk about the Scotish/Jewish and Black/Italian jokes again.
|
| Looks like rec.humor.funny is permanently disconnected. Unless someone
| starts it up somewhere else, or Brad finds a link to another computer system.
|
| --
| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Eric Giguere 268 Phillip St. #CL-46, Waterloo, Ont. N2L 6G9
| jyegiguere@lotus.waterloo.edu (519) 746-0792
| GIGUERE@WATCSG.BITNET "No, that's not how you pronounce it..."
--
Mark Smith (alias Smitty) "Be careful when looking into the distance,
RPO 1604; P.O. Box 5063 that you do not miss what is right under your nose."
New Brunswick, NJ 08903-5063 {backbone}!rutgers!topaz.rutgers.edu!msmith
msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu R.I.P. Individual Freedoms - 11/8/88
From nyssa@terminus.UUCP Thu Dec 8 08:11:21 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: nyssa@terminus.UUCP (The Prime Minister)
Subject: Re: Rec.humor.funny is dead, film at 11
Keywords: dead, cut-off, pressure tactics
Date: 8 Dec 88 14:11:21 GMT
Organization: Terminus
In article <Dec.7.20.35.11.1988.22843@topaz.rutgers.edu> msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu (Mark Robert Smith) writes:
>Well, it seems that JEDR got his way... I saw this in rec.humor.d,
>and thought it oughta be brought over here.
Well, if Brad can read this, according to my understanding of the
laws down here, you will win a law suit for libel and defamation of
character. Under these circumstances, since JEDR's attacks on your
character have injured your corporate image, I would seriously
advocate such a suit, and would be willing to be a witness.
>Maybe one of Brad's supporters will come forward and give him a feed?
If I could, I would. (terminus and rolls are both quite full!)
--
James C. Armstrong, Jr nyssa@terminus.UUCP
From kean@tank.uchicago.edu Thu Dec 8 10:58:30 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: kean@tank.uchicago.edu (keane arase)
Subject: Re: Nuke Waterloo?
Summary: Has anyone called LGS for a rebuttal?
Date: 8 Dec 88 16:58:30 GMT
Organization: University of Chicago
In article <18002@agate.BERKELEY.EDU> gsmith@garnet.berkeley.edu (Gene W. Smith) writes:
>In article <2188@unmvax.unm.edu>, mike@turing (Michael I. Bushnell) writes:
>
>
> Any ideas on what to do about U. Waterloo's bad net
>citizenship? It seems to me a site which wants to be a
>self-appointed censorship board may be better off the net,
>despite the trouble that would cause to innocent bystanders.
>--
>ucbvax!garnet!gsmith Gene Ward Smith/Brahms Gang/Berkeley CA 94720
>ucbvax!bosco!gsmith Institute of Pi Research
Has anyone called Brad up at LGS for a rebuttal of U. Waterloo's action?
Even though he has no net access, he should be given some sort of path
to comment on U. Waterloo's inappropriate actions.
BTW, I agree with Gene. Something should be done with an *educational*
institution who wants to inhibit free opinion.
---
Keane Arase, Systems Programmer
University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Acedemic and Public Computing, Technical Project Support
kean@tank.uchicago.edu
syskean@uchimvs1.uchicago.edu
** Please file the standard disclaimers here **
From jwas@pbhyf.PacBell.COM Thu Dec 8 12:16:32 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: jwas@pbhyf.PacBell.COM (J. Wasik)
Subject: Re: Rec.humor.funny is dead, film at 11
Keywords: dead, cut-off, pressure tactics
Date: 8 Dec 88 18:16:32 GMT
Organization: Pac*Bell (ISO, SBS UNIX District)
>In article <10279@watdragon.waterloo.edu> jyegiguere@lotus.waterloo.edu (Eric Giguere) writes:
> "Joke editor loses access to computer"
Somewhere there is a fellow laughing at all of us...
--
Joe Wasik - PacBell, 2600 Camino Ramon, 4e750, San Ramon, CA 94583 415-823-2422
jwas@pbhyf.PacBell.COM or {att,bellcore,sun,ames,pyramid}!pacbell!jwas
From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Thu Dec 8 12:35:55 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Re: Nuke Waterloo?
Summary: Let's not do any harm
Date: 8 Dec 88 18:35:55 GMT
Followup-To: news.admin
Organization: W.L. Kennedy Jr. and Associates, Pipe Creek, TX
In article <18002@agate.BERKELEY.EDU> gsmith@garnet.berkeley.edu (Gene W. Smith) writes:
>In article <2188@unmvax.unm.edu>, mike@turing (Michael I. Bushnell) writes:
>
>
> Any ideas on what to do about U. Waterloo's bad net
>citizenship? It seems to me a site which wants to be a
>self-appointed censorship board may be better off the net,
>despite the trouble that would cause to innocent bystanders.
First let me say that I am as offended and outraged as any of us over this
sorry state of affairs. I volunteered ssbn some time back and offered to
pay the LD to hook up looking again because I feared the situation would
deteriorate as it has done.
Brad very graciously and thoughtfully replied and essentially told me
to "cool it", I might do more harm than good. I wish I had saved the
note but he asked me not to. I shall attempt a very poor paraphrase
of what he said. I'm sure it won't be as accurate but you'll get the
drift and I think that's what's important here.
First my own thoughts, then essentially what Brad said. I think that the
folks at watmath caved in to a misinformed public opinion made up by an
ignorant news media. I honestly believe that if you could wring the truth
out of them that they are really on Brad's side. Obviously we can't
wring the truth out of them because it would leak to the media and further
inflame what they are trying to extinguish. It appears to us like they
have just completed the character assasination started by JEDR and others.
I'm sure that this appearance grieves and angers them as much as it does
us. They are an educational institution and when nonsense like this
appears to dilute or pollute their primary function they have to stick by
their priorities. Their priorities even if that means doing something that
isn't what you or I (or they) might think is "right". An unpleasant but very
real situation and decision. We're all faced with them from time to time.
Sorry for that, I promised to share Brad's feelings. First off I think
that he should get a round of applause from us for being so level headed
about this. He pointed out that the netters know more about the situation
and the culture of usenet than anyone involved. The situation is so
ridiculous that it provokes us to outrage and cry vengeance. This behavior
on our part, how ever justified, is perceived by the outside world to be
precisely what JEDR claims, i.e. we (inadvertantly) confirm his story and
vouch for his credibility. The operative word there is "perceived".
Regardless of how well intentioned, morally correct, or justifiably
indignant we might be, that's how it's perceived outside our own community.
In short, we're hurting him by trying to help. I must very reluctantly
agree with Brad and concede that while it's wrong, it's that way :-( :-(
As dearly as I'd love to fry the people who started this I will not further
their cause by doing so. BTW, the :-('s are mine, they conclude what Brad
said last week. Gene Spafford pleaded with us for moderation and asked us
all to shut up and let this blow over, he is correct too. With great
reluctance I will do that (in a few sentences :-) and find something to do
with my outrage... an obscure part of the Hippocratic commitment is
"Prima non nocere", First do no harm. I propose that we treat JEDR and
the prepetrators of this atrocity like the pariahs that they are, but not
try to exact vengeance on others who got swept up in it. *NOW* I'll shut up.
Apologies to Gene Smith, his just happened to be the article that suggested
precisely what Brad doesn't want.
--
Bill Kennedy usenet {killer,att,cs.utexas.edu,sun!daver}!ssbn!bill
internet bill@ssbn.WLK.COM
From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Thu Dec 8 13:49:55 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Rec.humor.funny fiasco
Keywords: cool it
Date: 8 Dec 88 19:49:55 GMT
Organization: W.L. Kennedy Jr. & Associates, Pipe Creek, TX
Earlier today I posted a plea for moderation in this ridiculous
(and outrageous) matter. That was essentially asking us to all
shut up. So here, on the heels of asking everyone to shut up,
yet another article. I want to reach the people who are still
reading about this, the admins and readers. What I am going to
describe is completely speculation on my part, I have nothing
to confirm what I'm describing.
The earlier post asked that we not inadvertantly injure Brad and
or his situation by raving or threatening retaliation. I will
propose a more sinister but entirely possible scenario which may
even be true.
Fact: JEDR and Brad have been conspicuously silent lately.
Fact: Someone posted a few days ago suggesting that if a
situation got too far out of hand that legal remedies
could be pursued.
Speculation: Maybe legal remedies are being pursued and that's
why neither party has anything to say. Further, if that
is the case we might be doing a severe disservice to what
ever side we favor by caterwauling about one or the other.
Wouldn't you feel like an utter fool if the article you
posted turned out to be the legal evidence that caused
the remedy to not go in the direction you supported?
I do not want to sound like you're being read your rights but if the
speculation happens to be accurate then we might be hoist by our own
petard making threatening or damaging remarks. I'm not proposing that
we shut down the discussion, but I am asking that we be very careful
to not provide any fuel for the fire that exists or for another that
we don't even know about. I don't think the speculation is too far
fetched or I wouldn't have asked for your time to read it.
--
Bill Kennedy usenet {killer,att,cs.utexas.edu,sun!daver}!ssbn!bill
internet bill@ssbn.WLK.COM
From smf@saffron.lcs.mit.edu Thu Dec 8 21:58:14 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: smf@saffron.lcs.mit.edu (Stuart Freedman)
Subject: ashes to ashes...
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 9 Dec 88 03:58:14 GMT
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died
suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and
placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink
coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room,
removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into
a small dish on the coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike,
do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well,
here it is, Mike. do you like it?
"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years
you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike.
Do you like it?
"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air,
"there's that blow job I was promising you."
--
From roy@phri.UUCP Thu Dec 8 22:00:15 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: roy@phri.UUCP (Roy Smith)
Subject: Dope in the Supreme Court
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 9 Dec 88 04:00:15 GMT
This is a true story. Last night I was in a minor accident on the
highway. We both pulled off to the side and as soon as I smelled the other
guy's breath it was obvious he had been smoking pot. When the cops finally
showed up, I told one of them this and he said, "and just how do *you* know
what pot smells like". I told him I used to use it before I was nominated
to the Supreme Court.
--
Roy Smith, System Administrator
Public Health Research Institute
--
From "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Sun Dec 11 05:30:12 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: And a few soviet jokes
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 11 Dec 88 11:30:12 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think
2. If you do think, don't speak
3. If you think and speak, don't write
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised
----------------------------------------------
Why is Poland just like the United States?
In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you
want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
--
Henry Cate III
--
From hinojosa@hp-sdd.hp.com Sun Dec 11 18:30:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: hinojosa@hp-sdd.hp.com (Daniel Hinojosa)
Subject: Offensive to Construction workers and Leprechauns
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk, gross
Date: 12 Dec 88 00:30:06 GMT
Organization: HP, San Diego
(where "pppphhhhhbbbttttt" equals sticking you tounge between your
lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for
himself and for the little Leprechaun.
Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally
the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar
and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks
at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the
big guy's face.
Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder.
The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on
this breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt"
to the construction workers face.
The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder.
The construction worker is visably bothered, but decides not to
do anything again.
Well shure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer.
Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction
worker and goes, "pppphhhhbbbttttt!" to his face. Well, this time the
big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over
to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.
The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend
does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow
tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big
guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun
on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt."
--
From funkstr@ucscb.UCSC.EDU Mon Dec 12 02:20:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: funkstr@ucscb.UCSC.EDU (-=/ The G*A*L*A*C*T*I*C Funkster /=-)
Subject: Santa Clause has got a gun
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 12 Dec 88 08:20:06 GMT
---------------------------------------------------
By Lore Shoberg, velcro@ucscb.ucsc.EDU
SANTA CLAUS IS WEILDING A GUN
(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day
Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)
He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
--
(c) 1987 Lore Shoberg, velcro@ucscb.ucsc.EDU
--
From aat@mace.cc.purdue.edu Mon Dec 12 05:30:08 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: aat@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Jeff Smith)
Subject: true story
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 12 Dec 88 11:30:08 GMT
My friend Bruce tells a story of when he was a teenager and he and his
brother were looking at magazines in a drugstore, under a big sign that
said "No Loitering". An older, female drugstore employee came up to
them, said "Can't you read?", and pointedly looked up at the sign.
Bruce's brother Norm--who didn't really know what loitering meant--
looked at her, looked at the sign, looked back at her, and said: "So,
who's smoking?" She was so flustered that she left them alone.
----------
Jeff Smith
Purdue University, 210 Math Science, W. Lafayette, IN
--
From steven@uts.amdahl.com Mon Dec 12 18:30:07 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: steven@uts.amdahl.com (Fearless Leader)
Subject: Oprah the door and let me come in...
Keywords: smirk
Date: 13 Dec 88 00:30:07 GMT
>From the San Francisco Chronicle's Personals column of 11/29/88:
Lenore Skenazy of Advertising Age recently asked readers for suggestions for
the next "Geraldo!" segment. Among their ideas:
+ "Elvis: What's Goind Down?" A look into the King's final resting
place ... or is it?
+ "Even I Hate My Guts!" To prove it, Geraldo goes under local
anesthetic and provides controversial commentary as surgeons
remove his large and small intestines.
+ "Nose for News" Geraldo challenges Morton Downey, Jr. to break his
nose, too.
+ "Sirhan Sirhan Is Innocent!" Geraldo blows the lid off the Robert
Kennedy assassination coverup by proving that only people with
three names can be infamous killers, e.g. Lee Harvey Oswald,
James Earl Ray, Mark David Chapman, John Wayne Gacy, etc.
Using this theory, Geraldo identifies three potential culprits:
Sandra Day O'Connor, David Lee Roth and Sammy Davis, Jr.
--
Steven Swinkels
--
From ph@uowcsa.oz.au Mon Dec 12 20:53:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: ph@uowcsa.oz.au (Phillip Herring)
Subject: A young JEDR woman gets married...
Keywords: sexual, ethnic, chuckle
Date: 13 Dec 88 02:53:34 GMT
{ed A "JEDR" (pronounced "Jedder") is a generic member of a lampooned
identifiable group. It stands for "Joke Ethnic/Denomination/Race" and
can refer to members of any such group, and others. This acronym does
not refer to any specific person or group. }
Well, a young JEDR woman got married, you see, and as is traditional
with JEDR custom, she was a virgin and new nothing of the ways of
Luv.
On her wedding night, she ran downstairs to her mother and cried,
"Momma, momma, what do I do?"
Her mother replied, "Don't you worry, girl. Just lie back and enjoy
yourself."
So the girl went back upstairs to where her husband was waiting.
When she entered the room, she found that he'd removed his shirt,
and his arms and chest were very broad, and very hairy.
She ran screaming back down the stairs.
"Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta BIG HAIRY CHEST!"
Her mother calmly replied, "Don't you worry, girl. He's gotta a
big hairy chest, that just mean he gotta BIIIIG love muscle. You
go back uppa there and have a good time."
So back up the stairs she went. This time, when she entered the room,
her husband had removed his trousers, and she saw his strong, muscly,
hairy legs.
She ran screaming back down the stairs.
"Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta THICK HAIRY LEGS!!"
Her mother calmly replied, "Don't you worry, girl. He's gotta
thick hairy legs, that just mean he gotta LARGE junket pump. You
go back uppa there and lie down and enjoy yourself."
So back up she goes. As she enters the room, she sees his feet for
the first time - and one of them is half missing!
She ran screaming back down the stairs.
"Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta FOOT AND A HALF!!"
Her mother rushed upstairs with the words, "Outa my way, girl.
This is a job for your momma!"
(Told to me by my girlfriend, who was told by a young JEDR girl.)
--
Rev. Dr. Phil Herring, Dept. of Computing Science, University of Wollongong
ph@uowcsa.oz
--
From tracy@ut-emx.UUCP Tue Dec 13 05:30:07 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: tracy@ut-emx.UUCP (Tracy LaQuey)
Subject: Airplane humor
Keywords: smirk
Date: 13 Dec 88 11:30:07 GMT
Airplane Humor
-------------
Question: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?
Answer: The cockpit door.
Pilot's bumper sticker:
Don't tell my mother I'm an airline pilot. She thinks
I'm a piano player in a whore house.
Heard from the flight attendant:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until the captain
has come to a complete stop. We don't want you arriving at the gate
before the plane does."
[ It's my opinion that "Please remain seated until the airplane has arrived
at the gate" are the 11 most ignored words in the English language. - ed ]
--
Tracy LaQuey
Computation Center, The University of Texas at Austin
--
From albert@endor.UUCP Tue Dec 13 18:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: albert@endor.UUCP (David Albert)
Subject: Generic Jokes
Keywords: ethnic, chuckle
Date: 14 Dec 88 00:30:05 GMT
(I hope these aren't too offensive. Perhaps they should be rotated.)
(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set
of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in
a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic
group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered
to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his
companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first
meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with
his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took
offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?
A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!
--
/David
albert@harvard.harvard.edu
--
From migod@csri.toronto.edu Wed Dec 14 05:30:07 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: One of our parrots is missing
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 14 Dec 88 11:30:07 GMT
Status: O
A Russian man loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the
neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere. He just can't find the parrot.
Finally, he goes around to the local KGB office, and tells the desk officer
his problem.
The desk officer is a little puzzled. "Look comrade, I'm sorry you lost
your pet, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports."
"Oh, I know that", says the man. "I just wanted you to know, if you do
happen to find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up his
political ideas."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From prv@philabs.philips.com Wed Dec 14 18:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: prv@philabs.philips.com (Paul Veldman)
Subject: Feeling guilty
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 15 Dec 88 00:30:03 GMT
Status: O
Source: A Dutch cook-book
Maitre de Cuisine (Chief Cook) of a famous restaurant
to a salesperson in the Stationery Department :
"Do you have 97 of these 'Get Well Soon'-cards ? ....."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.