102 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
102 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
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WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm]
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Dear Special Interest,
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Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm].
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With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you
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with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
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legislation and other fine services.
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Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would
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take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will
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not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better
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fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
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1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
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__ President
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__ Vice-President
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__ Senator
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__ Congressman
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__ Governor
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__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
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__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
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__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
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__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)
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2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]?
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Please check all that apply.
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__ TV ad.
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__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
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__ Shared jail cell with.
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__ Former law partner of.
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__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
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__ Arkansas crony of.
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__ Procured for.
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__ Related to.
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__ Recommended by lobbyist.
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__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
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__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
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__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
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__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
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__ Solicited bribe from me.
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__ Attempted to seduce me.
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3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]?
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(Please check all that apply.)
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__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
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__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
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__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
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__ Obtain trade concessions.
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__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
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__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
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__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
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__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
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__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /
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targets for future conquest.
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__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
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__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
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__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
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groups.
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__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
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exploiters / capitalist pigs.
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4. What factors influenced your purchase?
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(Please check all that apply.)
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__ Performance of currently owned model.
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__ Reputation.
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__ Price.
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__ Appearance.
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__ Party affiliation.
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__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
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__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
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__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
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__ Blackmail.
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__ Celebrity endorsement.
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5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
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Government Official[tm]? ______
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If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
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models.
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__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
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__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
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__ Defect in current model:
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__ Dead.
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__ Senile.
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__ Indicted.
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__ Convicted.
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__ Resigned in disgrace.
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__ Switched parties / beliefs.
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__ Outbribed by competing interest.
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Thank you for your valuable time.
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Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have
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chosen the best politician that money can buy.
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