textfiles/humor/JOKES/blondej2.txt

BLONDE JOKES
compiled by Mr. Noise on 11/22/91
update:  4/25/92
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Why are there so many blonde jokes?

     To give brunettes something to do on Saturday nights.


Why are blonde jokes so short?

     So men can understand them and redheads can remember them.

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What's the worst blond joke of all time?

     Dan Quayle.


What's the difference between a tree and a blonde?

     The tree knows when it's being cut down.


What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

     Rebel Without a Clue.


Why do blondes wear panties?

     To keep their ankles warm.


What do you call a blonde with a Ph.D. in nuclear engineering?

     Honey.


Why did the blonde cross the road?

     Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?


How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

     One.  They think the world revolves around them.

			or
	
     Blondes screw in cars, not light bulbs.


			or

     100.  One to screw it in and 99 to say, "I could do that."


What does a blonde consider safe sex?

     Putting the car in park.

			or

     A padded headboard.


What do most blondes have against condoms?

     Their cheeks.


Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

     So she wouldn't get hearing aids...<groan>


Why can't blondes use birth control pills?

     They keep falling out.


What's the difference between Gorbachev and a blonde?

     Gorby knows who the last eight guys to screw him were.


What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

	We know how many guys went down on the Titanic.


What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

     The brick doesn't follow you around after you lay it.


Why don't blondes become pharmacists?

     They can't figure out how to get the little bottle into the typewriter.


Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?

     Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.


Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

     To see what was on the other side.


Why don't blondes breast feed their babies?

     It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.


What goes "Vroom!  Screech!  Vroom!  Screech!"?

     A blonde at a flashing red light.


What do blondes and cow pies have in common?

     The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.


Why don't blondes make good cow hands?

     They have trouble keeping the "calves" together.


Why don't blondes vote?

     They don't care who gets in.


Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?

     More head room!


Why don't blondes eat pickles?

     Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

			or

     Because the jars have lids, not zippers.


Why did the blonde's skirt have fur trim?

     To keep her neck warm.


What do blondes say after sex?

     "Are you boys all on the same team?"


How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

     She opens the car door.


What do blondes and turtles have in common?

     Once on their back, they're screwed.


What's the mating call of a blonde?

     "God, I'm SO drunk!"


What's the mating call of a brunette?

     "Has the blonde gone home yet?"


What's the mating call of a redhead?

     "Next!"


What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

     Last year's hide-n-seek champion.


Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

     That's where you wash vegtables.


Why didn't the blonde have enough ice cubes for her party?

     She lost the recipie.


Why does the blonde have T.G.I.F. written on her tennis shoes?

     Toes Go In First


Why does she have T.G.I.F. on her bra?

     Tits go in front.


Why do blondes get only a half-hour for lunch?

     Any longer and you'd have to retrain them.


What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

     They're both empty from the neck up.


How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

     Blow in her ear.


What happened to the blonde terrorist?

     She burned her lips trying to blow up a bus.


Did you hear about the blonde that won a gold medal?

     She was so proud, she had it bronzed.


Why did the blonde think her typewriter was pregnant?

     It was skipping periods.


Why don't blondes fart?

     Their mouths aren't closed long enough for the pressure to back up.


How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?

     Shine a flashlight in her ear.


What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?

     A brain tumor.


What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?

     You can park in a handicapped zone.


How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday morning?

     Tell her the joke on Friday afternoon.


If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a 20-story building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

     The brunette.  The blonde would stop and ask for directions.


Why did the pregnant blonde go to Domino's?

     She heard they had free delivery.


Why did the blonde fall asleep at her job interview?

     She stayed up all night studying for her urine test.


What did the blonde say when the interviewer asked her to spell her name?

     "Y-O-U-R N-A-I-M."


Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?

     They heard that under 17 was not admitted.


What do four blondes have in common?

     Nothing they can think of.


How can you tell that a blonde has had a bad day?

     She has a tampon behind her ear, and she doesn't know what she did with her pencil.


How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?

     The green "Welcome" mat is ripped to shreds.


How does a blonde kill a fish?

     She drowns it.


What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

     "Way to go team!"


What did the blonde's mother say before she left on a date?

     "If you're not in bed by 10, come home."


What do you call a virgin blonde?

     An ugly sixth grader.


How can you tell if a blonde owns a vibrator?

     Chipped teeth.


What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

     Washing machines don't spit out their loads.


What do a blonde and a computer have in common?

     You don't appreciate either of them until they go down on you.


What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

     You only have to put information into the computer once.


Why did the blonde have square breasts?

     She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.


Why was the blonde two hours late getting home?

     The escalator got stuck.


How can you tell that a blonde has been using your computer?

     There's White-Out all over the screen.


Why do blondes have so much free time?

     Because so little is expected of them.


What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?

     An interpreter.


Did you hear about the blonde who got fired from her job in quality control at the M&M factory?

     She was throwing away all the ones with W's on them...


How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

     Three.  One to mix the batter, two to peel the M&Ms.


How do you drive a blonde insane?

     Ask her to alphabetize your M&Ms.


How do you brainwash a blonde?

     Give her an enema.


How do you keep a blonde baby amused?

     Give her a mirror and some makeup.


What do you call a blonde wearing a brunette wig?

     Artificial intelligence.


What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?

     All you can eat for under a buck.


What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

	You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

				or

     You can't get the blonde into the bowling ball.


Why is it so difficult for a blonde to get a driver's license?

     They can't reach the pedals from the back seat.



What's the difference between a blonde and a Ferrari?

     You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari.


What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?

     The back of her head.


How do you measure a blonde's IQ?

     Use a tire gauge.


What do you call three blondes standing shoulder to shoulder, ear to ear?

     A wind tunnel.


Why was the blonde grabbing at the air?

     She was trying to collect her thoughts.


What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

     She goes home.

			or

     She introduces herself.


How is a bleached blonde like a commercial airliner?

     They both have black boxes.


How is a blonde unlike a 747?

     The 747 only goes down occaisionally...


Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than a horse?

     So when they're waving in a parade, they won't crap in the street.


What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

     Gifted.


What do you call a blonde with a 150 I.Q.?

     A crowd.


How do you tell if a bleached blonde did your landscaping?

     The bush in front is a different color than the other foliage.


Why does a blonde keep the light off during sex?

     Because only her hairdresser knows for sure.


What do you get when you stand five blondes on their heads?

     One blonde, three brunettes, and a redhead.


How can you tell a real blonde from a fake?

     Fuck her.


What did the blonde have tatooed on her inner thigh?

     "Welcome home, troops of Desert Storm."


What's the similarity between a blonde and a plate of Jello?

     They both quiver when you eat them.


What's the best way to murder a blonde?

     Put a mirror on the bottom of the swimming pool.


What's the diference between blondes and whores?

     a.   Blondes have more money,
     b.   blondes' skirts are shorter,
     c.   blondes wiggle more when they walk.


What's the difference between a blonde and a brunette whore?

     The color of her hair.


What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?

     You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.


Did you hear about the blonde that liked younger men?

     She started sleeping with Cub Scouts, but her doctor made her quit when she got up to three Packs a day.


What do blondes wear to decorate their ears?

     Their ankles.


Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

     So you can tell one hole from the other.


How are a blonde and a screen door alike?

     The more you bang them, the looser they get.


What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

     Full.


Why did the blonde prostitute lose go crazy?

     She found out that all the others were getting paid.


What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

     Hump-me, Dump-me.


Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?

     Her boyfriend was blond, too.


Is it true that blondes have more fun?

     No, but their boyfriends do!


What do you call fifteen blondes standing in a circle?

     A dope ring.


What does a blonde say after six years of college?

     "Hello and welcome to McDonalds."


If Tarzan and Jane were blonde, what would Cheetah be?

     The smartest of the three.


How do you change a blonde's mind?

     Blow in her ear.


What would the press have called Jeffery Dahmer, if he were blond?

     That silly psychopathic murderer.


Why is it so hard to teach a blonde to drive?

     a.  They keep getting in the back seat,
     b.  they think the steering wheel is a clothes rack.


Why did the blonde keep driving around the block?

     Her turn signal was stuck.


What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

     Spot.


Why was the blonde upset after she looked at her license?

     Because she got an F in sex.


What did the young blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

     Look, Daddy, doughnut seeds!


Why was the blonde sooo excited to finish her puzzle in only six months?

     The box said 3-6 years.


How can you tell a blonde is driving a station wagon?

     There's two kids running behind yelling, "Wait, Mom!"


Did you hear about the blonde that wanted personalized plates?

     She changed her name to GZR 728.


How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?

     She fell out of the tree.


What do you call 20 blondes stacked atop one another?

     An air mattress.


How do you know you're out with a natural blonde?

     You can hear the wind whistling through her head.


What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

     At least there are claims that Bigfoot has been sighted.


Why do blondes whistle when they pee?

     So they know which set of lips to wipe.


What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?

     "Are you sure it's mine?"


What did the blonde say when the cop pulled her over and unzipped his pants?

     "Oh, no!  Not another breathalyzer test..."


Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

     <toss your head from side to side> "I don't know."


How do you kill a blonde?

     Put spikes in her shoulder pads.


Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

     To hold their feet up.


What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?

     The Suez Canal is a busy ditch...(i.e., vs. a dizzy bitch...)

			or

     The Suez Canal is a busy ditch...oops, no difference.


What's the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?

     The circus is an array of cunning stunts....


What do you call 25 blondes in a freezer?

     Frosted Flakes.


What do you call a bunch of blondes in the basement?

     A whine cellar.


What do you call a brunette and two blondes?

     Regular price, four bucks, four bucks.


Boyfriend:  Can I call you at work?
Blonde:  Yes, but if my supervisor answers, hang up.
Boyfriend:  How will I know it's your supervisor?
Blonde:  She has red hair and wears glasses.


The young blonde was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college...
     "Mom," the girl confessed, "I lost my virginity last weekend."
     "It was bound to happen sooner or later," her mother replied, "I just hope it was a romantic and pleasureable experience."
     "Well, yes and no," the blonde remarked, "the first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."


A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde go into a bar.  The brunette tells the bartender that she wants a "WW".  He thinks for a moment and gives her a white wine.  The redhead is next and asks for a "RW".  Sure enough, the bartender gives her a glass of red wine.  Finally, the blonde asks for a "15".  The bartender thinks for a moment before saying, "I'm not sure what you want."  The blonde replies, "You know, a seven-and-seven!"


Two blondes decide to drive to Disneyland.  They pack for the week, hop in their car, and head down the highway.  A few hours later they see a sign that reads:  "DISNEYLAND LEFT."  So they turn around and go home.


Two blondes are sitting next to each other.  One says, "I smell dick."  The other replies, "Yeah, I burped."