textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/wint95experience.txt

Sub:    Out of the Box with Win95
 
Folks-Here's my out of the box experience with Win95.
 
8/24/95 12:01AM-I am at ComputerCity trying to be one of the first to get Win95
and also to see if the number of folks at the store meets expectations. About
50 folks are in the store and perhaps 35 are congregating around the Win95
display, waiting for the shrinkwrap to be broken. It is, I grab a copy, stand
in line for 20 minutes waiting to be checked out and then head home to get some
much needed rest. I love this business.
 
8/25/95 11:30PM I was out of out of town the last day and a half and was unable
to try to install Win95. Now I'm back at home ready to install it on my Dell
Precision 60 (a 60MHz Pentium with 32 MB of RAM, STB Express PCI video card,
Soundblaster16 card, 3Com 3C509 Etherlink III card and double-speed CD-ROM
drive).  I currently have Windows for Workgroups 3.11 on my machine and I'll
install Win95 over it.  I slip the CD in and double-click setup. All goes fine
until the setup program asks me for my serial # on the CD.  I type it in and
I'm greeted by the message "SUWIN caused a general protection fault in Module
AL3164P.DRV at 0001:1909." The machine is locked tight, so I power it off and
try again.
 
8/26/95 12:45AM After three more tries with the same outcome, I decide to bag
it and start fresh the next morning.
 
8/26/95 7:45AM I power up my Dell with renewed spirit, intent on getting Win95
up and running. I go through the same procedure as the night before with the
same results.  After three tries I reluctantly conclude that I should seek help
(mistakenly not for me-for the computer).
 
8/26/95 9:00AM I dial Microsoft's Win95  toll support line. The phone rings and
it is answered by the usual voice mail greeting instructing me to press a
number to get technical support.  I follow the instructions and and I'm
transferred to a support engineer (or so I thought).  After a few clicks I get
a busy signal and the line goes dead, back to a dial tone (so far the most
helpful sound I've heard).  I try again four more times with same result. Must
really be something to this Plug and Play.
 
8/26/95 9:17AM On the sixth try, the phone actually rings when I'm transferred
(Yippee!).  However, my jubilation is soon replaced by the somber realization
that I will be on hold for a very long time as the phone is answered and smooth
jazz music plays in the background.  A fellow who identifies himself as Russ
Craig announces that 'We're pleased to have you on the Microsoft Support line,
your call is important to us and we're trying hard to get a support engineer to
you just as fast as possible. There are currently 267 customers on hold with
the longest waiting 49 minutes.  Your wait time may be shorter than this so
please stay on the line. Next up is Miles Davis with more cool jazz.'  I got to
know Craig very well over the next 3 hours.  He played music from Steely Dan,
Grover Washington, Dinah Shore, Laurie Carson, Herb Alpert and many, many
others.
 
8/26/95 11:35AM I've been on hold for quite some time and I'm really getting
into this smooth jazz music. I resolve to go out buy some Miles Davis CDs just
as soon I get Win95 installed.  In the meantime, I've balanced my checkbook,
paid my weekly bills, downloaded from E<>world the latest quotes for the stocks
in my portfolio, updated my ClarisWorks business mileage spreadsheet and
reconciled my 401K statement on my other computer.  In fact, I've found waiting
on hold is a real productivity booster since I can't go anywhere (for fear of
dropping out of the queue and being force to endure the angst of calling in
again). So I might as well take care of all those tasks I've been putting off
for weeks or months and get some real work done. Russ Craig pipes up for the
umpteenth time, 'We're pleased to have you on the Microsoft Support line, your
call is important to us and we're trying hard to get a support engineer to you
just as fast as possible. There are currently 87 customers on hold with the
longest waiting 115 minutes.  Your wait time may be shorter than this so please
stay on the line. Next up is Sade so relax and enjoy.'
 
8/26/95 12:16PM I'm stunned when a human voice interrupts Russ Craig's latest
gruesome hold statistics and announces that he wants to help me. After 3 hours
of hold time I'm naturally suspicious of such statements but I play along
anyway.  He asks 'What seems to be the problem?' (Problem? What was I calling
about anyway? Actually, if I only been a hold a little longer I could've
balanced the federal budget and cured the common cold). I relate my sad tale to
this good natured fellow and he tells me he must put me on hold again and
research this "issue".  After about 15 minutes he is back and suggests that my
video card is at fault. I should change my video driver to VGA (640x480 at 16
colors).  I point out that Dell shipped this machine with the STB Express card
so that multi-media titles would look good in the STB's millions of colors. I
asked if there was a Win95 driver for the STB card.  He puts me back on hold
for a few more minutes and then announced that no Win95 drivers for the STB
card are included with the CD. BUMMER.  He suggests that I call STB to get
their latest drivers(later I check their BBS only to find that there are no
Win95 drivers for my card).
 
8/26/95 12:40PM Before I'll let my technical gold mine hang up, I insist that
we walk through the install and see if switching back to VGA cures my problems.
We do the install and when I type in my serial # my Dell reboots. I have to
admit this is a more interesting way to reset my machine, but I'm still no
closer to getting Win95 installed than I was 12 hours ago.  My technical wizard
suggests we try again. Same result- a long-winded version of the three finger
salute.  Next, Mr. Support proposes that we try the install from DOS.  I
dutifully follow his instructions and after running setup from DOS, Scandisk
automatically runs and reports that I have some file fragments that need to be
fixed. I should run Scandisk for Windows.  But I don't have Scandisk for
Windows (by now readers familiar with computers should recognize this situation
as a variation of Pournelle's Law-Every time you want to do something on a
computer you have to do two other things first, one of which is impossible).
 
8/26/95 1:00PM Mr. Support instructs me to continue with the installation even
though I haven't run Scandisk for Windows.  I follow his orders.  I get to the
point where I have to put in my serial # and with great hope, type it in.  A
new dialog box informs that QEMM is running and Win95 will have difficulty
recognizing my hardware unless I disable QEMM.  Mr. Support informs that I
should make it so.  I quit the installation and head back to DOS to fine tune
my autoexec.bat and config.sys editing skills.  I sure will be glad when I get
Win95 installed and I'll never have to edit those pesky critters again.  I
carefully REM (remark) out every hint of QEMM in all of my configuration files
and start my Win95 installation up for the umpteenth time.
 
8/26/95 1:16PM  I type in my serial # and Voil<69>! Win95  proceeds with the
installation.  After 20 minutes of copying files I bid Mr. Support adieu since
he has many, many other poor souls to help on their path to computing Nirvana
(no pain, no gain).  The Win95 setup program informs me that it is time to
restart my machine and boot up with Win95 for the first time. Some how this
first time just isn't as exciting as it would have been if it had happened 13
hours earlier.
 
8/26/95 1:38PM My machine reboots and in a few minutes I'm up and running
Win95.  Unfortunately, I've got to mow the lawn, pick up my shirts at the
laundry, get some groceries and help my son with his homework.  So...using
Win95 will have to wait.
 
 
Sell Internet Servers,
Dreux