93 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
93 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
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System Design 101
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by Greg Borek
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If automobiles were manufactured the same way programs are...
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Team Leader (TL): OK, what have we got?
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Programmer (P): Well, we drove the new release out of the factory and
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it didn't catch fire, ...well, within the first 3 miles anyway. I
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think we may be onto a winner here.
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TL: Excellent! Does the car perform the way the customer wants?
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P: Sort of. The customer asked for a car that can cruise at highway
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speeds, and our new release can attain speeds of nearly 75 mph,
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...um, under certain conditions.
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TL: What conditions do you mean, besides obvious ones like going down
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a steep hill?
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P: As long as there is not too much fuel in the tank and no one is
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actually in the car at the time, we can attain some really good
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speeds. Passengers particularly tend to degrade the performance.
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TL: Not allowing passengers in a car may inconvenience the user. How
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much is the performance degraded by a passenger?
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P: One passenger chopped the speed down to 8 mph. I'm sure the
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customer can adapt his highway driving to accommodate this slight
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restriction. I'm absolutely sure he won't mind when he gets a load
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of all of the fancy features included in this new release.
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TL: You did remember to adequately document these alleged features in
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the owner's manual, I hope? It was sort of embarrassing the number
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of support calls we got about people not knowing they had to start
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the car by putting the key in the trunk lock.
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Random Access Humor Page 5 August 1993
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P: All of the features are very clearly and simply explained. That
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guy we hired that used to write tax booklets for the IRS can sure
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churn out manuals. Especially the twelve chapters devoted to the air
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conditioner. We felt that it was necessary to go into some detail
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about the air conditioner.
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TL: Why so many chapters about the air conditioner?
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P: The user wanted a really powerful air conditioner, and, well, the
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boys down in the design department got a little carried away. The
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car doesn't so much have an air conditioner as a refrigeration unit.
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TL: Doesn't that degrade the engine performance?
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P: We were worried about that too until one of the brainboxes came up
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with the idea of "overlaying" the engine. For the mere cost of half
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of the passenger compartment we swap the pieces of the engine between
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the engine and passenger compartments. Only the pieces of the engine
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that are currently in use are under the hood. We really feel this
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was the most clever way to provide all of the required features while
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reducing the overall size of the vehicle.
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TL: Even so the thing is a bit large. I seem to remember the target
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size of the vehicle being about that of a 2 seater, wasn't it? To
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the casual observer, our vehicle looks kind of like an Essex-class
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aircraft carrier.
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P: I know, and down in the design department we are kind of
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embarrassed. We really wanted to make sure we included all of the
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neat features we had been working on.
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TL: Did the user ask for all of these features?
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P: Well, not all of them, but they are all really neat... and he
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probably will once he sees what we've included. I mean, the rocket
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launchers alone may prove invaluable during his commute to work.
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TL: That's true, but what about the gas milage?
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P: We came close to what the user asked for, provided he's not too
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finicky and does not know basic math. If you look off the stern you
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can see the tractor semi-trailer tanker truck that must be connected
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to the car at all times. We are going to recommend prepositioning
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the tanker trucks at every exit on the interstate.
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TL: You know, all in all we made it a pretty lousy sports car. At
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least we can take solace in the fact we met the government standards
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for a sports car. Good job. {RAH}
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--------------
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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
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Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
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He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
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Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
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