84 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
84 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
|
<09><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
|
( )
|
|||
|
|
) Abstruse Authors of Merca (
|
|||
|
|
( )
|
|||
|
|
<09><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>;
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Presents...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Desperate Programming Techniques
|
|||
|
|
--------------------------------
|
|||
|
|
by Lee Day
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
It's one of those days when you have no pressing engagements and decide to mess
|
|||
|
|
around with your computer. Cracking your knuckles, you initialize your
|
|||
|
|
favorite language and come to a dead stop.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
You can't think of anything to program. Not a thing. It's as if your creative
|
|||
|
|
energies were sucked away by the power switch. You load some old programs.
|
|||
|
|
They all fall into atleast one of five categories:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1) Barely started. It clears the screen and assigns A = 3.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
2) Skeletonized. It initializes the variables, draws a gorgeous
|
|||
|
|
introduction screen, plays some delightful welcoming music, prints full
|
|||
|
|
instructions....then terminates.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
3) Half completed. May branch and hang, or terminate after thirty
|
|||
|
|
seconds. Might create corrupted data files that are "almost perfect",
|
|||
|
|
but not perfect enough. Could put strange values into a bizarre part of
|
|||
|
|
memory, causing the screen to experience an eclipse or the disk to have a
|
|||
|
|
spinout.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
4) Almost completed. You aren't quite ready to add the finishing frills.
|
|||
|
|
Or, you can't figure out what the heck is wrong with it and the source
|
|||
|
|
code closely resembles groundhog intestines.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
5) Completely completed. No matter how many times you run it, no matter
|
|||
|
|
how much you stare at the source code, you can't think of any way to
|
|||
|
|
improve it. Even the Ctrl-Break key has been disabled.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
To, you futilely try to write a program. It generally goes something like
|
|||
|
|
this:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
10 Clear the screen
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Not too exciting. Maybe some user input would help.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
20 Get a character from the keyboard
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
You realize if you don't DO something with the character, the program won't do
|
|||
|
|
much, so you add :
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
30 Print the character
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
You run it. Wow. <yawn> Time for some more code.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
40 Goto line 30
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Run it. You type the "F" key, to reflect your mood. Sure enough, the screen
|
|||
|
|
fills with the letter "F". You break it quickly and run it again. You try the
|
|||
|
|
asterisk key. The results make you nauseous. Break and run. This time, you
|
|||
|
|
type "I", because you are feeling selfish. Not too great. Maybe some graphics
|
|||
|
|
characters? You break it, run it, and type a graphic vertical line. Stripes!
|
|||
|
|
Now, that's more like it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
This routine continues for several minutes. You modify the program to ask for
|
|||
|
|
another character if a key is pressed. After further thought, you make the
|
|||
|
|
printing character the one you pressed. Running the program, you furiously
|
|||
|
|
type nonsensical sentences as quickly as you can, trying to prevent the letters
|
|||
|
|
from repeating. Depending on the speed of your language and your typing
|
|||
|
|
skills, you might keep up.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
You would be embarrassed if anyone found this program, but you save it anyway
|
|||
|
|
under an inconspicuous name. This takes several minutes, since inconspicuous
|
|||
|
|
program names are almost impossible to create. Eventually, you settle for
|
|||
|
|
"morgage" or something equally stupid-looking. If you are extremely sensitive
|
|||
|
|
about your image, you may encrypt it, hide the file, or copy it onto a disk
|
|||
|
|
that you keep in your underwear drawer.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Now is about the time you do something completely desperate, like calling a
|
|||
|
|
bulletin board.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|