86 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
86 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
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[The following pamphlet is a courtesy of your local Department of
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Agriculture.]
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PARASITE PAMPLET #3 : NEW USERS
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HOW TO DETECT AND DESTROY THEM
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Many garden owners are worried about the recent infestation of the parasites
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known as "Novum Userum." This family of insect, descended from the cockroach,
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are a bane to garden owners everywhere. However, if they are spotted early,
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and appropriate measures are taken, they can be contained.
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New users often crop up during the November-January months; the climate at
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this time is conducive to their survival, and they often are equipped with
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bright red modems.
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New users do not mate; instead, this insect has the fascinating ability to
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reproduce by eating controversy, and then laying eggs. The eggs are often
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described as "brown things," and they have an odor close to that of Limburger
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cheese kept in the sun for three days. The eggs can be smashed or burned, and
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the threat therein eliminated.
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However, as the eggs are hard to detect, often an unsuspecting garden owner
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will have new users in his or her garden without being aware of them. Garden
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owners should be aware of the following signs :
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- The cry of "SEND E-MAIL. SEND E-MAIL."
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- A large preponderance of "!!!!!!!" in your garden.
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- Original titles, such as "NEW USER," or "BOB SMITH."
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- Opening lines which are something like "HELLO!!!!
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I'M A NEW USER, AND I'M REALLY A NEAT PERSON."
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- Overuse of the word "COOL," "K00L," or any derivative
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thereof.
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- Long, large sentences without any grammatical
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structure whatsoever.
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- Users who don't appear to know how to exit the "post message"
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function.
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For your convenience, a sample user message has been shown below :
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FROM : BOB SMITH
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TO : ALL
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ABOUT: HI!!!
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HI!!!! EVERYBODY!!! IM A NEW UZER
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(USER, HA HA HA, CANT SPELLL) AND
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I REALLY WANT TO GET TO KNOW ALL
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OF YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE I JUST GOT
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MY NEW MODEM FOR CHRISTMAS AND
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I THINK THAT IT IS REALLY FUN AND
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NEET TO CALL ALL YOU NEAT PEOPLE
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ANYWAY IM TAKING UP ENOUGH SPACE
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(HA HA HA) SO ILL JUST EXIT SEND
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ME E-MAIL SEND ME E-MAIL PLEASE
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PLEASE!!!!!
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BOB SMITH
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/ED
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/EL
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/DD
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/BYE
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/QUIT
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ROD HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?????
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THANKS ROD!!!!! CAN YOU RAISE MY
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LEVEL I POSTED
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The most important thing do to, when you suspect that you have new users in
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your garden, is to remain calm. There are many precautions that can be taken
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to prevent the pests from spreading.
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- Sending E-mail to the annoying new user, saying "If you don't be
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quiet for three weeks, I'm going to have you kicked off."
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- Getting the Sysop annoyed at the new user, and having the Sysop
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expel the new user from your garden.
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- Making friends with the new user, going out to the movies with
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them, and then torturing them with a knife.
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- Getting massive hate mail against a new user.
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- Kindly tell the new user how to not be a new user.
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If you have any questions, you may call your local Department of Agriculture.
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If needed, a federal agent will be glad to come out and examine your garden.
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- Dark Shadow
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[P.S. Personally, I prefer telling new users how not to be new users.]
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