43 lines
2.0 KiB
Plaintext
43 lines
2.0 KiB
Plaintext
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The Twit Filter: The Know-It/Done-It-All
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by Dave Bealer
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This loathsome creature is common throughout human society, though
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they seem to occur most frequently near universities, government
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buildings, and computer centers.
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Everyone knows the type: if you have a 3.96 GPA, the Know-It/Done-It-
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All (KIDIA) has a 3.98. If you've climbed Mount Everest, the KIDIA
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climbed it backwards walking on his hands, and set a new record time
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in the process, of course. If you coded the current Data Structures
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lab assignment in three days using 71 lines of C code, the KIDIA
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coded it in two hours using 674 bytes of binary machine code. When
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asked to produce proof of these astonishing feats, the KIDIA hems and
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haws. Now is not the right time for such disclosures. Eventually it
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becomes clear that there will never be a right time.
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Particularly dangerous online, the KIDIA knows the extreme difficulty
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of asking for proof of any fantastic claims. The KIDIA always has
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the fastest CPU, the biggest hard drive, the fastest modem, the most
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efficiently configured WINDOWS.INI settings, and all the newest whiz-
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bang peripherals. For some reason simply possessing these things
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isn't good enough for the KIDIA. She has to remind everyone that she
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has them in at least one post every day.
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There are only three options to choose from when confronted with a
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KIDIA:
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1) Kill yourself. Sure, this solves your problem, but what about
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the rest of us?
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2) Kill the KIDIA. Actually the ideal solution, although you may
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have to spend a couple of weeks in jail. (Applies to the United
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States only. This solution is NOT recommended in countries that
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actually punish people for murder and other violent crimes.)
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3) Put the KIDIA in your twit filter. Probably the best solution,
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at least in countries where option 2 is not viable. It can even
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be effective in the U.S. There's nothing KIDIAs hate more than
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the thought that people are ignoring them. {RAH}
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