87 lines
2.8 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
2.8 KiB
Plaintext
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BASTARD SYSTEM MANAGER FROM HELL
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I get into my office and it's my first day - I want to make a good impression,
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so I empty my IN tray into the bin. Now that's what I call efficient!
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I get a call from the big boss - he's been getting complaints about the trainee
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bastard operator from hell. I ask him to forward all the complaints to me and
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that it would be best to let me deal with them. I ring the operator and get
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him to make an appointment with me.
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Two weeks later, he does, and I show him the complaints that have accumulated
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so far.
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"Seventy Three complaints in your first three weeks!" I shout "It's good - but
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it's NOT Good Enough! You should be getting at least 10 complaints a day - AT
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LEAST! Now, let's see what you're doing wrong:
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You get a call from a user - what do you do?"
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"Kill them off?" The TBOFH replies
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"NO! How can you kill them off if you don't know their USERNAME? Your
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FIRST priority is to get their username. Then what would you do?"
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"Kill them off?"
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"NO! Get them to tell you what their problem is!"
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"Why?"
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"Because later I can say they didn't explain their problem to you properly.
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It's a great defence - works every time. A user rings me up to complain; I
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listen to their problem, then say "OH, WHEN YOU SAID `MY PC DOESN'T WORK'
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HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT YOU MEANT `HOW CAN I MAKE MY PC NEVER WORK AGAIN AND
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DESTROY MY LIFE'S WORK AT THE SAME TIME?' - IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!' then
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they tell me implausible that is, I say how terribly sorry we are, then
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fake some connect and CPU time records so their monthly bill is about the
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same as the Uraguayan national debt.
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So, after you've heard their problem, what do you do?"
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"Kill them off?"
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"NO! Then you make up some excuse. Have you got an excuse card calendar?"
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"Uh. No.."
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"And you said you were qualified to operate a computer! You'd better have
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mine." I pass my computer card calendar over, flipping it to page one -
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"ENTROPY"....... ...I like it.
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"Now, you give the cretin an excuse then what do you do?"
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"Kill them off?"
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"YES!" (He certainly has a fixation) "Then what?"
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"Hang up?"
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"NO! Then they'll call you back when the problem recurs. Your job is to
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make them FEAR calling you. How can you work when people are calling? So,
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you make them pay for calling in the first place. What would you do?"
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"Delete their files?"
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"Yeah, it's a start, but then they may call back when they get new files.
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You want them NEVER to call back. What could you do?"
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"Swear at them?"
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"No. I can see we'll have to demonstrate. Have you got a metal ballpoint?"
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"Yes"
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"See that wallsocket over there. Take the refill out of the pen and poke
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in into the wallsocket."
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"But it's live!"
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"Would I really make you do it if it were live?"
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"Oh" >fiddle< >fiddle< >BZZZZZZZEEEEERT!<
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of course I would. He was no good anyway.
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--
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