1059 lines
78 KiB
Plaintext
1059 lines
78 KiB
Plaintext
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Collection of One-Liners
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Programmers get overlaid.
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People with narrow minds usually have broad
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tongues.
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If practice makes perfect, and nobody's
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perfect, why practice?
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He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
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Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
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He who hesitates is last.
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A man's house is his hassle.
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A chicken is an egg's way of producing more
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eggs.
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Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
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What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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Reality is for people who can't face science
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fiction.
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Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in,
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mask out,
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BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
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Wernher von
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Braun settled
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for a V-2 when
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he coulda had
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a V-8.
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A mouse is an
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elephant built
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by the
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Japanese.
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Go climb a
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gravity well.
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A man's best
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friend is his
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dogma.
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A penny saved
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is ridiculous.
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Health is
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merely the
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slowest
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possible rate
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at which one
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can die.
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Every
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interesting
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program has at
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least one
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variable, one
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branch,
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and one
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loop..........
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And at least
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one bug!
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No problem is
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so formidable
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that you can't
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just walk away
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from it.
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Chemistry
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professors
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never die,
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they just
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smell that way!
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The problem
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with the gene
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pool is that
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there is no
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lifeguard.
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Schizophrenia
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beats being
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alone.
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To err is
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human, to
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forgive is
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against
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company policy.
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Jesus Saves
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Vishnu
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invests.
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If you have
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nothing to do,
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don't do it
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here.
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Old musicians
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never die,
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they just
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decompose.
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We have a
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equal
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opportunity
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Calculus class
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-- it's fully
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integrated.
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Never play
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leapfrog with
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a unicorn!
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Atheism is a
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non-prophet
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organization.
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An elephant is
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a mouse built
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to Mil-spec.
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He who always
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plows a
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straight
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furrow is in a
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rut.
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When you're up
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to your hips
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in alligators,
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You forget
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the original
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project was to
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drain the
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swamp.
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Everyone is
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entitled to my
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opinion.
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Help stamp out
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and abolish
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redundancy!
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Be a better
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psychiatrist
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and the world
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will beat
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a psychopath
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to your door.
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He who steps
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on others to
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reach the top
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has good
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balance.
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You scratch my
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tape, and I'll
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scratch yours.
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May all your
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PUSHes be
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POPed.
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COLE's LAW -
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Thinly sliced
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cabbage.
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Do married
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women make the
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best wives?
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Three can keep
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a secret, if
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two are dead.
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Morfy's law -
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Enythink thit
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ken go rong
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willl.
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Then there was
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the Formosan
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bartender
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named Taiwan-
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On.
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He who laughs
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last is
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probably your
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boss.
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Orcs really
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aren't so bad
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(if you use
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lots
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of
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catsp)
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.
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It
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is
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hard
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to
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fly with
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the eagls
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When
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you work
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with
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the
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turkys.
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Basi
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is
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a
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high
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leve
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langish.
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Pruns
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give
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you a
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run for your
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mone.
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Eat prun
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yogut
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for that
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"get
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up
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and go" feelng.
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More
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peope
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have
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died
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in
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Tedd
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Kenndy's
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car than
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in
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nuclar
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powe
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plans.
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Teacers
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have
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clas.
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Foun
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on
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a
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door
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in
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the MSU musi
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builing:
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This
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door
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is
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barouen,
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pleae
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wigge
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Handl.
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(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
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Physicists get hadrons.
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Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
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Constants aren't; variables don't.
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You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
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Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
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Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
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Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
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Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
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Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
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Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
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Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
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On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
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"Where no man has gone before"
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Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
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On a clear disk you can seek forever.
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Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
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Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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Neuroses are red,
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Melancholia's blue.
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I'm schizophrenic,
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What are you?
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Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
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Open it and you remove all doubt.
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Grass is nature's way of saying "High!"
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Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
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Money is the root of all wealth.
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Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
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Remember, the fact that you're paranoid
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doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
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Men have many faults,
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Women only two:
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Everything they say,
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And everything they do!
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Happiness is twin floppies.
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Happiness is a hard disk.
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Teamwork is vital!
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(It gives you someone to blame.)
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Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
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If all men were brothers,
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would you let one marry your sister?
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Chemists really know their bismuth.
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If everything is coming your way,
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you're in the wrong lane!
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The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
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sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
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Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...
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Managers know it must be good because the programmers
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hate it so much.
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The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
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capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
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The bearing of a child takes nine months,
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no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
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The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
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Eschew Obfuscation!
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Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
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Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
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An expert is someone from out of town.
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Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
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Poverty begins at home.
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Do it today,
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Tomorrow it will be illegal.
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Postmen never die,
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they just lose their zip.
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Rubber bands have snappy endings!
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COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
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An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
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It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
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Whom computers would destroy,
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they must first drive insane.
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It's better to copulate than never!
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A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
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Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
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Clones are people two.
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Microwaves frizz your heir.
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God did not create the world in seven days.
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He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
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When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
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To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and
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Incommode You".
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Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
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We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
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Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
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Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
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White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
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Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
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There's no future in time travel.
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Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
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Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
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Confucious say too damn much!
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Reality does not exist - yet.
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Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
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Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
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Never leave anything to chance;
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make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
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Small programs are for small minds.
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I BM. You BM.e all BM for IBM!
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Satyrs
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have
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more
|
||
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faun.
|
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Cobol
|
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|
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programmers
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are
|
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down
|
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in
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|
the
|
||
|
|
dumps.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Lawyers
|
||
|
|
do
|
||
|
|
it
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
their
|
||
|
|
briefs.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Two
|
||
|
|
can
|
||
|
|
live
|
||
|
|
as
|
||
|
|
cheaply
|
||
|
|
as
|
||
|
|
one,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
for
|
||
|
|
half
|
||
|
|
as
|
||
|
|
long.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Things
|
||
|
|
worth
|
||
|
|
having
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
worth
|
||
|
|
cheating
|
||
|
|
for.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Psychiatrists
|
||
|
|
stay
|
||
|
|
on
|
||
|
|
your
|
||
|
|
mind.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Mrs.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Ghandi
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
sari
|
||
|
|
state.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Raise
|
||
|
|
ducks
|
||
|
|
for
|
||
|
|
quack
|
||
|
|
profit.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Part-
|
||
|
|
time
|
||
|
|
musicians
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
semiconductor.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
It
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
impossible
|
||
|
|
to
|
||
|
|
make
|
||
|
|
anything
|
||
|
|
foolproof
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
because
|
||
|
|
fools
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
so
|
||
|
|
ingenious.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Interchangeabe
|
||
|
|
parts
|
||
|
|
won't.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A
|
||
|
|
conclusion
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
simply
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
place
|
||
|
|
where
|
||
|
|
you
|
||
|
|
got
|
||
|
|
tired
|
||
|
|
of
|
||
|
|
thinking.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In
|
||
|
|
which
|
||
|
|
level
|
||
|
|
of
|
||
|
|
metalanguage are
|
||
|
|
you
|
||
|
|
now
|
||
|
|
speaking?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Counting
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
octal
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
just
|
||
|
|
like
|
||
|
|
counting
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
decimal,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
if
|
||
|
|
you
|
||
|
|
don't
|
||
|
|
use
|
||
|
|
your
|
||
|
|
thumbs.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Counting
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
binary
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
just
|
||
|
|
like
|
||
|
|
counting
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
decimal,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
if
|
||
|
|
you
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
all
|
||
|
|
thumbs.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
We
|
||
|
|
don't
|
||
|
|
really
|
||
|
|
understand
|
||
|
|
it,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
so
|
||
|
|
we'll
|
||
|
|
give
|
||
|
|
it
|
||
|
|
to
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
programmers.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Confession
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
good
|
||
|
|
for
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
soul,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
but
|
||
|
|
bad
|
||
|
|
for
|
||
|
|
your
|
||
|
|
career.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The
|
||
|
|
concept
|
||
|
|
seems
|
||
|
|
to
|
||
|
|
be
|
||
|
|
clear
|
||
|
|
by
|
||
|
|
now.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
It
|
||
|
|
has
|
||
|
|
been
|
||
|
|
defined
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
several
|
||
|
|
times
|
||
|
|
by
|
||
|
|
example
|
||
|
|
of
|
||
|
|
what
|
||
|
|
it
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
not.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
APL
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
write
|
||
|
|
only
|
||
|
|
language:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
You
|
||
|
|
can
|
||
|
|
write
|
||
|
|
programs
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
it;
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
but
|
||
|
|
try
|
||
|
|
and
|
||
|
|
read
|
||
|
|
them!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Wisdom
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
knowing
|
||
|
|
what
|
||
|
|
to
|
||
|
|
do
|
||
|
|
with
|
||
|
|
what
|
||
|
|
you
|
||
|
|
know.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Never
|
||
|
|
put
|
||
|
|
off
|
||
|
|
'til
|
||
|
|
tomorrow
|
||
|
|
what
|
||
|
|
you
|
||
|
|
can
|
||
|
|
avoid
|
||
|
|
altogether.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
He
|
||
|
|
who
|
||
|
|
puts
|
||
|
|
his
|
||
|
|
nose
|
||
|
|
to
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
grindstone
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
bloody
|
||
|
|
fool.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The
|
||
|
|
devil
|
||
|
|
finds
|
||
|
|
work
|
||
|
|
for
|
||
|
|
idle
|
||
|
|
glands.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A
|
||
|
|
friend
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
need
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
pest
|
||
|
|
indeed.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Genius
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
ten
|
||
|
|
percent
|
||
|
|
inspiration
|
||
|
|
and
|
||
|
|
fifty
|
||
|
|
percent
|
||
|
|
capital
|
||
|
|
gains.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
He
|
||
|
|
who
|
||
|
|
trains
|
||
|
|
his
|
||
|
|
tongue
|
||
|
|
to
|
||
|
|
quote
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
learned
|
||
|
|
sages
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
will
|
||
|
|
be
|
||
|
|
known,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
far
|
||
|
|
and
|
||
|
|
wide,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
as
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
smart-
|
||
|
|
ass.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Two
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
company,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
three
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
an
|
||
|
|
orgy.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
He
|
||
|
|
who
|
||
|
|
uses
|
||
|
|
bad
|
||
|
|
language
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
an
|
||
|
|
ignorant
|
||
|
|
schmuck.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Women
|
||
|
|
should
|
||
|
|
be
|
||
|
|
obscene
|
||
|
|
and
|
||
|
|
not
|
||
|
|
heard.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Do
|
||
|
|
unto
|
||
|
|
others
|
||
|
|
before
|
||
|
|
they
|
||
|
|
undo
|
||
|
|
you.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Love
|
||
|
|
thy
|
||
|
|
neighbor,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
but
|
||
|
|
make
|
||
|
|
sure
|
||
|
|
her
|
||
|
|
husband
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
away
|
||
|
|
first!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Money
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
root
|
||
|
|
of
|
||
|
|
all
|
||
|
|
evil,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
and
|
||
|
|
man
|
||
|
|
needs
|
||
|
|
roots.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The
|
||
|
|
best
|
||
|
|
things
|
||
|
|
in
|
||
|
|
life
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
for
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
fee.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
He
|
||
|
|
who
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
flogged
|
||
|
|
by
|
||
|
|
fate
|
||
|
|
and
|
||
|
|
laughs
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
louder
|
||
|
|
is
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
masochist.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
If
|
||
|
|
all
|
||
|
|
the
|
||
|
|
girls
|
||
|
|
at
|
||
|
|
Vassar
|
||
|
|
were
|
||
|
|
laid
|
||
|
|
end
|
||
|
|
to
|
||
|
|
end
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I
|
||
|
|
wouldn't
|
||
|
|
be
|
||
|
|
suprised!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Pilots
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
just
|
||
|
|
plane
|
||
|
|
folks.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Carpenters
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
just
|
||
|
|
plane
|
||
|
|
folks.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Midwest
|
||
|
|
farmers
|
||
|
|
are
|
||
|
|
just
|
||
|
|
plain
|
||
|
|
folks.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Musicians are just playin' folks.
|
||
|
|
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
|
||
|
|
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
|
||
|
|
and all of the people some of the time,
|
||
|
|
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Smile! Things can only get worse.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
There are two kinds of people in this world:
|
||
|
|
Those that want to BE something,
|
||
|
|
and those that want to DO something.
|
||
|
|
(There is less competition in the second category.)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Vice Versa - poems about brothels?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Call the Visionary's Hide-Away! ({->
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
|
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The Salted Slug Strange 408-454-9368
|
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
|
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
|
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
|
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Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315
|
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My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078
|
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New Dork Sublime Demented Pimiento 415-566-0126
|
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
|
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|
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diverse sexuality,
|
||
|
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
|
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
|
||
|
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
|
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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