295 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
295 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
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<EFBFBD>025<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>025<EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD> The Phone Losers Of America Present <20>
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<EFBFBD> Taking Over Fred Meyers From The Comfort Of Your Own Home <20>
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<EFBFBD> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>͵
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<EFBFBD> Written On March 10, 1995 Last Revision on March 15, 1995 <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>͵
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<EFBFBD> For Informational Purposes Only. We're Not Responsible For Your Stupidity. <20>
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<EFBFBD>025<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>025<EFBFBD>
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This is a little incident that happened while I was living in Portland, Oregon
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and a few people said I should write about it so I am so be happy. Most people
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who don't live in Portland have never heard of a Fred Meyers so I'll tell you
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what it is first. It's like a big chain of big stores in Portland. I'm not
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sure exactly where else in the United States they exist but I had never seen
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or heard about one until I moved to Oregon.
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Take a Wal-Mart and a very large grocery store and add a few extra things and
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you've got a Fred Meyers. They've got a huge grocery section, lawn & garden,
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a huge hardware store built in, electronics, music, software, videos, a deli,
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sometimes a big built-in eating area and a lot of other things that I'm
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probably leaving out. All in all it's not a bad store but that didn't stop
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what I did to them.
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Keep in mind that at the time all of this happened the employees of Fred
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Meyers were all on strike and they had a bunch of temporary people working in
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the stores and nobody there really knew what was going on anyways so that just
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added even more fun to the whole event.
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The Discovery:
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-------------
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Me and my girlfriend (Colleen Card) were walking around the Fred Meyers
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located at Gateway Shopping Center, shopping and eventually got separated.
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Since I walked all over the store and couldn't find her (not surprising seeing
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as how the store is the size of a mini-mall) I figured I'd pick up one of the
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paging phones that are located on posts every few isles for employees and
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announce all over the store for her to meet me in a certain place.
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I found the phone and picked it up and looked at the HUGE list of all the
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different departments they have to choose from and finally found the All Store
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Page listed at 1800. So I dial 1800 and hear a loud click throughout the store
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and I annouce, "Colleen Card to the toy isle. Colleen Card!"
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While I was waiting for her, though, the Matchbox cars got really boring by
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myself (Justin's dad, the kid I met and was playing with, made him go home) so
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I wandered back over to the phone and noticed that all the department numbers
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were in the exact same format as the all store paging number. Electronics was
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1296, Hardware was 1693, etc, etc. So I wrote down the two phone numbers
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listed on the front of that phone and put them in my pocket. Colleen arrived
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and we went home to a supper of Burger King Whoppers. Yeah.
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The First Phone Call:
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--------------------
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By now I had this big horrific plan in my head that I was pretty sure wouuldn't
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work but I knew I wouldn't rest until I tried it so the next morning while
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Colleen was at school I went back to the same Gateway Fred Meyers to test it
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out. (Gee, have you figured out what I'm doing yet?) I went to the pay phone
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that's located in a foyer entrance type thing and boxed a call to the inside
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of the store.
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"Fred Meyers customer service, may I help you?"
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"Yeah, this is Dave in electronics. Could you transfer me to extension
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1800? I can't get it to work..."
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"Okay, just a minute, please!"
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I hear the funky Fred Meyers hold music for a split second and then total,
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dead silence. I hit the "*" button and hear it echo inside the store... So I
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look around the foyer and there's a few people inside with me so I can't
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really say anything loud. Instead I start playing "Help Me Rhonda" on with the
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touch tones and my musical masterpiece echos throughout the entire store.
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I couldn't wait any longer for the people in there to leave so in a low voice
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I start muttering into the phone, "Fuck you alllll...You're all going to hell.
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I will kill yoooooou, I am Satan......." Now you'll have to excuse the total
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lack of creativity with my first Fred Meyers speach but I couldn't talk very
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loud and besides, I was excited that this actually worked! I decided to go
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inside and check out the reactions so I hung up.
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The reactions weren't that great when I first got in. Walking by the photo
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section I heard a customer exclaim to an employee, "Did you hear that crazy
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guy??" But the employee wasn't too talkative so that didn't get anywhere. When
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I got to the Deli, things were considerably more active there. A guy in a suit
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(didn't look like a manager, but who knows...) was talking to another
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important looking guy (security?) and the suit was pissed!
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I went over to the Deli and pretended to look at the menus so I could listen
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and they were talking about me. I heard a few things to the effect of, "Well,
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Dan's looking around for him right now." and "If I catch the little fucker..."
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It turned out that they thought some kid in the store had picked up a paging
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phone and done it all. Then I noticed a few guys patroling the isles with
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2-way radios on their belts. Typical security dudes. So I got bored and went
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back home, waiting for Colleen to get home.
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The Twenty Minute Broadcast:
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---------------------------
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Later that evening, around 6:00 I had already told Colleen that I'd succeeded
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and wanted to try it again so we picked up the phone in her room and called
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Fred Meyers. Again I got the service desk, asked to be transferred to extension
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1800, got hold music and then dead silence.
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The first thing I yelled into the phone was, "DON'T SHOP FRED MEYERS!" That
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was the big slogan in town that the employee who were on strike were using so
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I thought that would liven up the whole strike thing and if nothing, make the
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local papers. I put on my Good Morning Vietnam CD which starts out with Robin
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Williams yelling, "Goooooood morning, Vietnam!" and plays the clips of all his
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best radio stuff, including all the foul language and bad jokes.
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Then I played a few good clips from The Jerky Boys's first cassette and started
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paging people to different departments of the store. After about twenty
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minutes I hung up the phone so I could call back and make sure I was really on
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the paging system and not just talking to myself like an idiot. So I called
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back.
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"Fred Meyers, customer service. May I help you?"
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"Could I have the shoe department, please?"
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"Hold please!"
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After about a minute of waiting, I finally got the shoe department. I told the
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lady I was Dan from security upstairs and asked her if someone was playing
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with her phone there on the paging system.
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"Oh no, sir! That wasn't from this phone. They think it was kids in the
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food isle. The security guys are looking for them right now..."
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The Two Hour Broadcast:
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----------------------
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I thanked her and hung up. Now we knew we were getting through okay so I
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called them back and once again asked customer service to connect me to
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extention 1800. By this time I guess she had figured it out because she wouldn't
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connect me so instead I asked her to connect me to Lawn & Garden. When they
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answered, I had them connect me to 1800 with no problems.
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The only thing I can't figure out is why when I was in their system they
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couldn't somehow get rid of me. Why couldn't they shut off their all store
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paging system? Why couldn't they disconnect the speakers? Why couldn't they
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pull the plugs on the phone for a second and then put them back in? Why
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couldn't they just hang up on line two? Anyway, here's a breakdown of what
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our two hour broadcast consisted of:
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1. Various type of store pages including....
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"Customer Service to the sexual toys isle!"
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"Customer Service to the anal lubrication department!"
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"Customer Service to Customer Service! We don't know what we're doing!"
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"Attention K-Mart shoppers! Don't shop Fred Meyers!"
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"Al, clean up on isle 5. Some stupid bitch just spilled her fucking milk
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all over the fucking floor, the stupid cunt!"
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"AT&T, Please deposit 25 cents..."
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"I need a price check on this vibrating cream."
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"Security to isle ten. A lady is testing out the douches again."
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"Security to isle seven. That little boy is stealing Froot Loops..."
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"Security, monitor register two. BARBARA is working again."
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"Hi, my name is ROY and if you find a furry watermelon, that's my gerbil!"
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"Chris Tomkinson is the bestest, coolest guy in the world! Cactus?"
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2. Colleen's Story Time Hour. She read a bunch of children's books and changed
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the wording around to make them quite demented and gross. (This is where
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PLA024.TXT came from, by the way...)
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3. Harmonica Hour! Together on harmonica we didn't sound that great but that
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didn't stop us...that alone probably got rid of most of the shoppers.
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4. Voiced our opinions of political issues.
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5. Told very anti-religious and racist jokes. (We're not against religion and
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not racist people, we were just trying our best to offend everyone.)
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6. I played my favorite songs over the store via the local radio station, KUFO.
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7. A special announcement by RBCP: "Ladies & Gentlemen, may I have your
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attention please...At this moment I'd like you all to direct your attention
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to the individual working in Lawn & Garden. She is the very person who
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screwed up and allowed us to take over your paging system! Not that bright
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of an employee if you ask me but hey, we're dealing with Fred Meyers,
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right? So ma'am, if you haven't been fired yet...Thank You!"
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8. Colleen sang "I'm a Little Teapot" while I yelled "Fuck God!", then she
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started reading off phone sex ads. Then poetry.
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Transferring The Call Ourselves:
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-------------------------------
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Me & Colleen went to Gateway again. After getting on their paging system so
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many times, they must have put out a big-time security alert or something
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because NO department would transfer us anymore so now I HAD to get it just to
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show them. Here's what we did...
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1. We find a phone in Isle 13 and write down the extension number off of it.
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2. I stay there and Colleen runs out to the pay phone.
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3. Colleen boxes a call to Fred Meyers and asks customer service for extension
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1625, which is where I'm standing.
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4. My phone begins to ring. I pick it up, dial TRANSFER, 1800 and hang up.
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5. I run out to the pay phone and we say a few things into the phone such as
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"Ha, ha! We got through! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!" and other assorted
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immature things.
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6. We get kind of bored and go home. But it WORKED! Ha!
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A few days later we called from home and asked to be transferred to extension
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1625. A stock boy picked up the phone and we told him exactly what to press
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and we got on again. They'll never win.
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Interview With The Security:
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---------------------------
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After that night it got sort of boring. I was a little upset that none of this
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made the papers and we never got around to doing it much more after that. Once
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while Colleen & her dad was in another Fred Meyers shopping, I got in and
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made a few announcements, played a few touch tone songs, etc, but their system
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was messed up and they couldn't hear me very well.
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So one day I'm hanging around the Portland PDX airport because I have nothing
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better to do. One thing has led to another and I'm sitting at a pay phone,
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using the fingernail clippers that I stole from the gift shop to splice open
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the wires to the pay phone. (They wires were just shoved up under the pay
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phone wall and easy to get to. I had access to three different phones,
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including my own.) I didn't mean to, but instead of just stripping the outer
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cover off the wires, I cut it totally in half. I quickly learned which phone
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it was when the Japanesse girl next to me looked distressed, started yelling
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something urgent in the phone, then hung up and went to find antoher phone.
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Whoops?
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So I finally get my phone and the phone next to me successfully hooked
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together. I called Zak and explained to him what I'd done. Then I patched in
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the other dial tone and called Fred Meyers in Beaverton. We had no problem
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getting in to their all store paging. We fucked around for awhile on their
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system and got bored with it so Zak used HIS three-way to call up the
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Gateway Fred Meyers. We asked the customer service lady for security.
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"Security, may I help you?"
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"Yes, this is Roy from the Orgonian Newspaper. I was calling in regards to
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your problems that I've been hearing about with your paging system?"
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"Well, sir, that's a problem that has been taken care of. Is what was
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happening is some kids were dialing in from the outside..." Blah blah blah,
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he rattled on for awhile.
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After he babbled on for awhile and I asked him some more questions, I asked,
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"Sir, are you aware that you're participating in a four-way phone call and
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right now as we speak, our voices are echoing throughout the bowels of Fred
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Meyers in Beaverton? Now, you say that you're security for Gateway Fred
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Meyers, correct?" The line was totally silent after that, then it clicks and
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he's hung up, probably franticly calling Gateway to find out if it's true. I
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then made an announcement, "Yes, shoppers of Fred Meyers, this is the kind of
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intelligent people that you're dealing with every day, shopping here!"
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We hung up and Zak called Fred's back to ask the lady if we were really on
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the system. She verified that we were so we asked to be transferred to 1800
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and she told us to please hold.
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"Security, may I help you?"
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"No, she must have misunderstood us. We didn't want security, we wanted
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extension 1800 so we can frollic around your paging system freely!"
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"Well, sir, I don't think that's going to happen."
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Another incident with security happened when I called security from Clackamas
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Town Center, just out of boredom. (The very mall that Tonya Harding likes to
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skate in, by the way! Boy, do I feel important.) I called Gateway security and
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had a long conversation with the security lady. I told her I was the one
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responsible and she said, "I know, I have the same number on my Caller I.D.
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here." which is bullshit because I'd never called Fred's from that Mall.
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"Well, ma'am, did you think what I did was funny?"
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"No, not at all, actually."
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"I bet you smiled, though..."
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"Well, yeah, until you started getting vulgar. You really upset quite a
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few shoppers here."
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"That was my plan, though."
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"Why?"
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"Because I have no life."
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Afterwards:
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|
----------
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|
I know the story just kind of ended there and didn't really have any kind of
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point to begin with but I thought I'd write it to see what you think. (Which
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|
is probably that we all need to get a life.) Since that day we've been on the
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|
paging systems of various stores around Portland, saying pretty much the same
|
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|
|
things each time. It actually gets old after awhile but it's really fun at
|
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|
|
first. I severely shocked the shit out of myself trying to hook another pay
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|
phone to my original two so don't try that unless you're wearing big rubber
|
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|
yellow gloves! It never did make the paper that I'm aware of and the strike is
|
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|
|
over and things are pretty much back to normal there. So if you want to call
|
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|
|
Fred's and try it yourself, feel free!
|
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|
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|
K-Mart uses a similar phone system nationwide but I never have been able to
|
|||
|
|
get into their paging system. Actually, I've never been able to get into any
|
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|
|
other store except for Fred's so please mail me if you get anywhere with
|
|||
|
|
other stores. Wal-Mart, perhaps?
|
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|
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|
Phone Numbers:
|
|||
|
|
-------------
|
|||
|
|
Gateway Fred Meyers...............................................503-254-7905
|
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|
|
Beaverton Fred Meyers.............................................503-690-5823
|
|||
|
|
Rockwood Fred Meyers..............................................503-669-4600
|
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|
|
|
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|
There's a billion others in Portland, but those are just the ones I have
|
|||
|
|
listed and I'm too lazy to dial information. The paging code for most of them
|
|||
|
|
is 1800, but Rockwood for some reason is 800. If you want Isle 13 at Gateway,
|
|||
|
|
the extention is 1625. (Talk to a not-too-bright stock boy!) I don't encourage
|
|||
|
|
actually doing this, but think it would be funny as hell. Contact me at the
|
|||
|
|
numbers listed below for future developments.
|
|||
|
|
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Contact<EFBFBD>The<EFBFBD>Phone<EFBFBD>Losers<EFBFBD>Of<EFBFBD>America<EFBFBD>Nearest<EFBFBD>You!<21><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
|
<EFBFBD> 512-370-4680 PLA Voice Mailbox 512-883-7543 PLA BBS Texes Line <20>
|
|||
|
|
<EFBFBD> 512-851-8317 Sonic Youth Systems 618-797-2339 PLA BBS Illinois Line <20>
|
|||
|
|
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>;
|
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