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10 KiB
Plaintext
178 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... The Coward's Guide to Self-Defense
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by Sunspot
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01/01/1996-#306
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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First of all, if you think that this is another one of those macho
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self-defense karate martial art articles which will teach you how to kick butt
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like Bruce Lee in only 10 minutes (or however long it takes you to read this),
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then you have another thing coming.
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Let me explain right off the bat that I have no intention of teaching you
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how to defend yourself in the event that you are actually in the situation of
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being:
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a)mugged
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b)attacked
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c)viciously insulted
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d)whistled at
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e)all of the above
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f)none of the above
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g)other
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What I WILL do, however, is try to teach you how to avoid situations where
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something potentially dangerous and most likely extraordinarily embarrassing
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will occur. (Note that I am not responsible for anything else embarrassing
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that will probably occur if you take any of my advice. In fact, the only good
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piece of advice you'll get from me is this - don't read this article. If
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you're one of those people who skip parenthetical musings such as this, then
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you will undoubtedly try something quite foolish one of these days, and I'll be
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there to laugh at you. Sucker.)
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I'm sure you're wondering just what kind of self-defense I could be
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teaching, considering my extreme lack of knowledge of anything useful in the
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field of martial arts. I was thinking this myself one day while I was walking
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down the street, and then it hit me. In the face. A fist. Attached to a very
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large arm, which was attached to a very large man named "Death." (At least
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that's what he had tattooed across his neck.) It seems that I had
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inadvertently walked too close to his girlfriend, and now I would have to
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compensate him for this transgression by leaving a few of my teeth for his
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collection. This brings us to the first rule of self-defense:
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Never walk down a street if someone is already there. Properly followed,
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this rule of thumb could eliminate having to follow any of the other rules.
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The problem with walking down a street with people on it is that there is
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always the chance that one of them might want to hurt you, and if you are still
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reading this, then you are obviously the type of person who is very hurtable.
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Now, obviously it isn't possible to avoid ALL people, unless you follow
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the Rule of the Last Resort:
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Never, ever, no matter what happens, ever leave your room. This is the
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ultimate in self-defense for cowards. The chance of offending someone enough
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to want to damage you is very slim if you become a recluse for the rest of your
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life. This is not a mere assumption! According to the most recent police
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statistics, there was a lower rate of violent crimes against hermits than any
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other type of person in the social strata.
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For most of us, unfortunately, that option isn't extremely viable. This
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brings us back to my regrettable encounter with Mr. "Death" and his large fist.
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This next rule is very important, and should be taken extremely seriously. If
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you follow this rule closely, you will emerge from most minor altercations
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relatively unscathed:
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Learn to beg. Most would-be assailants, seeing you on the ground on your
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hands and knees, pleading for your miserably life, groveling and licking the
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ground in shame, will either start laughing hysterically (thus giving you the
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opportunity to abscond from the premises), or they will be so ashamed for you
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that they'll just spit on your pathetic head and leave you in the dirt.
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Whatever works. (Note: This method was quite effective in dealing with my
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fisty friend, and I was able to escape with most of my teeth intact!)
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Let's say that you're too proud to beg, and you find yourself in a
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situation where your life and limb are pretty much assured of being at stake.
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You can either swallow your pride and follow the above rule and live (or you
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can swallow your teeth when they get knocked out), or you can apply the next
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rule to your predicament:
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Learn to run. Fast. You might want to invest 70 or 80 dollars in a good
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pair of running shoes for this one. They can't hit what they can't catch,
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right? So make like a banana and get the hell out of there. An added benefit
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of this rule is the wonderful exercise you receive.
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Suppose you are in your home, and someone has broken in. You have an
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inner conflict. On the one hand, you feel the need to protect your property,
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and stand and fight the enemy. On the other hand, your closet looks pretty
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comfortable right about now. My personal motto in situations such as this is
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(to paraphrase the old classic):
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Those who whimper and run away,
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Live to whimper another day.
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Hey, you can always get grandma to give you another priceless heirloom,
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but you only have one nose, and it would hurt something fierce to have it
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broken in any way, shape or form.
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Another possible circumstance you might encounter is a car accident.
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While reading the paper or clipping your toenails or whatever, you accidentally
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demolish some guy's new Porsche. Of course, he will be understandably
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unamused, and will most likely attempt some form of physical violence upon your
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person. To avoid this, you should wait until he is out of his vehicle and
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coming towards you. If he is visibly angered, and particularly if he is
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holding some sort of blunt object in his hands and making threatening gestures
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with it, this would be an ideal time to put the pedal to the metal and, as they
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say, get the hell out of there. You should have no problem with this if you
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have followed the next rule:
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Buy a really, really fast car. By now you may have realized that there is
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some small expenditure of funds required if you are to successfully follow all
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of these rules, but if you are in doubt, just think - which is worth more,
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my money or my peace of mind? And if you think that your peace of mind isn't
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worth that much, think about how it would look if a piece of your mind ended up
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on the floor because some agitated individual took a bat to you.
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The one great thing about my self-defense guide is it's adaptability.
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These rules are not set in stone. They are conformable to any location on
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Earth. For example, in the above illustration of the car accident, the
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adjoining rule is to "buy a really, really fast car." If you are reading this
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in, say, Saudi Arabia, you can modify that to "buy a really, really fast
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camel."
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Another thing that is great about them is that they put you in a mindset
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which, I think, will really help you to be prepared for everyday life. If you
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start thinking that every single person you see has been paid to assassinate
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you, it puts life in a whole new perspective. A simple walk to 7-11 is much
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more exciting than it used to be. If you are permanently on guard, then you
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won't be surprised when someone inevitably attempts to assail you, and
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preparedness is half the battle. The other half is getting the crap beaten out
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of you.
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I would like to leave you with this parting thought, and it's the most
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important one:
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Whatever happens, I am in no way ethically, morally, or legally
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responsible for any harm whatsoever that you may come by, nor am I liable to
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you or, more likely, your heirs.
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Thanks, and goodbye.
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/ \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ / \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/ \ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ / \
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WORLDWIDE \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / WORLDWIDE
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`-' .ooM `-' _
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Oooo / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ Copyright (c)1996 cDc communications. / ( / \
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\__/ ) / All rights reserved. Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW \ ) \)(/
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(_/ is published by cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011, oooO _
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oooO Lubbock, TX, 79453, US of A. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo
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