92 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
92 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Official cDc Press Release Concerning
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President Reagan
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by Reid Fleming
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>>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
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FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT: sratte@phantom.com
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I have been authorized by Swamp Ratte' to make public the following items
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concerning former President Ronald Reagan's admission of having Alzheimer's
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disease.
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1) The Cult of the Dead Cow publicly claims responsibility for having given
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Reagan the disease. In 1986, the cDc made contact with field agents working in
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the Santa Barbara County area of Southern California. These agents received by
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registered mail sixteen metal darts for use with standard-bore blowguns. By
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subterfuge, the agents managed to get onto the then-President's ranch while Mr.
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Reagan was on the premises. The agents were successful in firing one dart into
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Mr. Reagan's wrist while he was riding his horse that day. The dart delivered
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its poison and promptly fell out.
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2) The chemical on the dart was a diluted form of Iocaine poison, originally
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developed in Australia by the computer hacker Opii. It is colorless, odorless,
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tasteless, and non-habit forming. However, it is extremely lethal...
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eventually. At any rate, it's poisonous. That's the main thing.
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3) We had originally expected for Mr. Reagan to drop dead in a couple of weeks,
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but no such luck. We figured that the poison had been too diluted by that mad
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Aussie to be of any use whatsoever. But, after leaving office, Reagan's
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impaired judgment, personality shift, and lack of general lucidity demonstrated
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that the toxin had worked perfectly - albeit just a bit too slowly.
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4) We've decided to confess to these state and federal felonies now because no
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one would have believed us even a year ago. Now that Reagan has finally made
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our handiwork public, we can use this act of terrorism to its full political
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advantage.
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5) We promise to give each and every former President of the United States a
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full dose of Alzheimer's venom - fast-acting this time - unless we get our
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demands fulfilled.
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5a) Each Cultee in the cDc requires one sturdy Rubbermaid ice cube tray a year
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until the end of his/her natural life. If the Cultee dies before reaching
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his/her expected age of death from insurance actuarial tables, the ice cube
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trays will be delivered to that Cultee's estate or survivors, if any.
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5b) Xuxa is to resume broadcasting in Spanish immediately!
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5c) We want the government to own up to the evils it perpetrated in the Inslaw
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case.
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5d) No more Tiparillos.
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Thank you for your time. Do what we want and no more former Presidents
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have to get hurt.
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####
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|
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(' ') | Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! |
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Reid Fleming. |
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\_______/|All Rights Reserved. 11/01/1994-#281|
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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