204 lines
8.4 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
8.4 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Mess o' Top Ten Lists
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by The Deth Vegetable
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and Iskra
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>>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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Top ten least manly ways to die:
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--------------------------------
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10) Choking on strudel.
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9) Waltzing off the edge of the Empire State Building.
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8) Being mauled by the Easter Bunny.
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7) Flushing yourself down the toilet.
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6) Tripping on your own dress tail, falling down one stair.
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5) Nicking yourself while shaving your legs.
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4) Killer Canary.
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3) Severe paper cut.
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2) Killed in kickboxing match with Johnny "No Legs" Johnson.
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1) Crocheting accident.
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Top ten most manly ways to die:
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-------------------------------
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10) Killed in kickboxing match with Satan.
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9) Caught in gears of combine.
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8) Hit in head with a 30 pound sledge.
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7) Diving into a swimming pool filled with shards of broken glass.
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6) Gnawing off your own arm to escape a hunter's trap.
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5) Going 18 years without sleeping.
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4) Attempting to swallow side of beef... whole.
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3) Testing your own flammability.
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2) Accidentally bathing in molten steel.
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1) Bleeding to death after pulling off your own head in a bet.
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Top ten things NOT to look for in a college:
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--------------------------------------------
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10) 99% of all applicants are accepted.
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9) The only sports are intramural bowling and dwarf-tossing.
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8) The dorms were built over a graveyard.
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7) It has the Guiness's record for the largest number of unexplained deaths.
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6) Drive-thru graduation.
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5) Contests where they give away a PhD for 753 Fruit Loops box tops.
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4) Bars on all the windows and doors.
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3) Their "big" class is Ancient Hungarian Cabinet Making.
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2) Ancient Hungarian Cabinets.
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1) Clown vomit.
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Top ten TV shows we'd like to see:
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----------------------------------
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10) John Elway's Wide World of Losers.
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9) Des Moines Vice.
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8) Dr. What?
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7) The John Birch Society Comedy Hour.
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6) It Isn't Gary Shandling's Show.
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5) Leave it to Warthog.
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4) The Pretty-Cool-But-Not-Really-SuperFriends
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3) Ren and Stimpy vs. Tom and Jerry
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2) Bob's Fungal Forum.
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1) America's Least Wanted.
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Top ten things you least want to find in your hot dog:
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------------------------------------------------------
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10) Jimmy Hoffa.
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9) Fecal matter.
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8) Concrete.
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7) The Lindbergh Baby.
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6) The Second Gunman.
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5) Hitler's secret diaries.
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4) Menudo.
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3) A broken Vic-20.
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2) A working Vic-20.
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1) Amelia Earhart.
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Top ten Department of Defense projects most likely to lose funding:
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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10) The Keystone MPs.
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9) Caspar Weinberger.
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8) The Stealth Garbage Truck.
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7) 103rd Hopscotch Division.
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6) Surface-to-Surface Chicken Launcher.
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5) Surface-to-Air Chicken Launcher.
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4) M.Y.O.P.I.A. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile
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3) Detroit.
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2) Mobile SKANK missile launcher.
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1) The "Big Bang Jr." Blow-'Em-Up-Good Nuke.
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Top ten names least likely to be given to the next new designer drug:
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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10) Spam Lite.
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9) O.D.
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8) Cyanide.
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7) DOA.
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6) SCUD.
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5) Special Placebo.
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4) Melancholy.
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3) Slow.
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2) Dumber Than a Sack of Hammers.
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1) Edgar.
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Top ten things you least want to say in a dark alley:
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-----------------------------------------------------
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10) "Of COURSE those are all real diamonds I'm wearing"
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9) "God... I can't believe I'm actually walking down the street with
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incriminating pictures of the police chief in my pocket!"
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8) "Let's leave the keys to my new Porsche with your crippled little brother
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while we go to the club and get drunk for a few hours."
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7) "People say this a bad section of town.... Just look at all these wimps,
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I could take 'em all on at once!"
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6) "Hey Bob! Five bucks says I can hit one of those kids wearing a "Raiders"
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hat with this rock!"
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5) "I hate people on Welfare. They should just go out and get some money."
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4) "Is that you? Without my glasses on I couldn't identify my own mother."
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3) "Spam Lite? Hey! That's my favorite too!"
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2) "Wow! I didn't know I had this $100 bill in my wallet!"
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1) "I almost wish someone would shoot me so I could test out my bulletproof
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vest."
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Top ten reasons why going to college is "marginally" better than a hot dog:
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10) Rarely do you have to use the word "sauerkraut" in Differential Calculus.
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9) College costs 5000 times more than a hot dog, and I don't think they'd
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rip us off. Yeah.
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8) Anyone can get a hot dog, but only the precious few get accepted to
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college. Yeah.
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7) Few hot dog vendors have their own nuclear reactors.
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6) You don't get ketchup and mustard on your shirt in College Writing.
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5) Hot dogs are no longer considered politically correct.
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4) No job interviewers ask, "So, where did you eat hot dogs?"
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3) Hot dogs fill stomach with chemicals, college fills brain with knowledge.
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Yeah.
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2) A framed napkin looks stupid on an office wall.
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1) By going to college you can avoid real life for many years; eating a hot
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dog only buys you about ten minutes.
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Top ten things NOT to look for in a roommate:
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---------------------------------------------
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10) Oozing lesions.
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9) People with a "weird thing" for fires.
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8) Uncontrollable nose dripping.
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7) Someone who sits locked in the bathroom all day with the encyclopedia.
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6) Someone who practices ritual sacrifices.
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5) An actual SUBSCRIBER to PBS.
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4) Someone who's last 15 roommates have mysteriously disappeared.
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3) Keeps clown vomit in his back pocket.
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2) Wears "Depends Undergarments" for the fun of it.
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1) Preforms bizarre sexual practices with livestock, and doesn't invite you.
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Top ten sports NOT to look for in a college:
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--------------------------------------------
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10) Division II Scrabble for Illiterates.
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9) Dwarf Tossing.
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8) Full Contact Lacrosse for the Simple Minded.
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7) Volleygrenade.
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6) Dwarf Bowling.
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5) Weightlifting for Lepers.
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4) Knitting.
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3) Speed Skating for the Uncoordinated.
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2) Ugly People Baseball.
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1) Nude Dwarf Bowling for Uncoordinated Illiterate Ugly People with Leprosy.
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Top ten euphemisms for "bathroom:"
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----------------------------------
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10) Hopper.
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9) Excrementary.
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8) Dad's office.
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7) Plunger Town.
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6) Land of Mildew.
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5) Tidy Bowl Man's Royal Empire.
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4) Little boys/girls room.
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3) Shit House.
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2) Potty.
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1) Defecatorium.
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|
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(' ') | Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! |
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |Copr.(c)1994 cDc communications and The Death Vegetable and Iskra.|
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\_______/|All Rights Reserved. 05/01/1994-#255|
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