627 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
627 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
![]() |
From the creators of Star Trek, the Next Regurgitation... From the mind
|
|||
|
that spawned an argument simulator... There comes...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
S I X M E N A N D A B A N A N A
|
|||
|
---------------------------------------
|
|||
|
-----------------------
|
|||
|
-------
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
A NEW THUMPING GOOD TRANSDIMENSIONAL, TIME TRAVELLING, PASTIE EATING,
|
|||
|
LEMMING FLATTENING, NETWORK CRASHING, CRAMP INDUCING TEXTFILE BASED ON A
|
|||
|
FEW KEYBOARD FREEKED LUNATICS AND... A BANANA
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
It`s one- thirty- PM, which is quite a coincidence because the story
|
|||
|
starts in room D-130 at the Henley College. D-130, by the by, is the
|
|||
|
computer room, as borne out by the sign on the wall, which reads:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
HACKERS HAVE DENS
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
GRAPHIC ARTISTS HAVE LAIRS
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
SYSOPS HAVE DOMAINS!!
|
|||
|
---------------------
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
In the Room, Steve "The Mad Hippo And Part- Time Local Gravitational
|
|||
|
Anomaly" Lake is working on a Silly C Program. Bog "Conifer Tree"
|
|||
|
Hennessy-Barrett is working on a silly picture involving lemmings, vaseline
|
|||
|
and Yaks. There are assorted nonentities doing relatively unimportant
|
|||
|
things with the various Psuedocomputers scattered around.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Steve is having a problem with his current proglet...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: BUGGER!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Steve is a fun, fun fellow. Almost totally silly, with an eternally happy
|
|||
|
outlook on life, until he gets angry, he is most renouned for being able to
|
|||
|
catch buses. Literally. This phenomenon is due, in most part, to his
|
|||
|
ability to generate an instant 6000 metres per second squared acceleration
|
|||
|
in any direction. Given enough Coke and sugar, that is. His other talents
|
|||
|
include squashing things, and making totally logical constructs do totally
|
|||
|
illogical things. He is, in short, the ultimate Amiga owner that Evolution
|
|||
|
could possibly have produced.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Problem?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Bog is... Bog. Too tall for most shoes, too longhaired for most glasses,
|
|||
|
too violent for most vending machines, Bog`s primary method for expressing
|
|||
|
himself is to strafe the object in question, and bayonetting people with
|
|||
|
Hypothetical Bayonets. Bog`s most spectacular ability is the capacity for
|
|||
|
taking a mundane, menial task, and turning it into an excuse for not doing
|
|||
|
anything more like work. This minor failing is made up by the fact that
|
|||
|
when it comes to boring tasks (EG, maths or boring parts of Physics
|
|||
|
(Equations, but not detonations), he has a head like a sponge. As a
|
|||
|
further peep into his Psych Profile, he is lemming- obsessed and F-16
|
|||
|
posessed. Another Amiga Phreeeek, his pet love is insulting PC owners.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: MY BLOODY PROGRAM ISN`T WORKING!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Now, Steve makes a critical error. He stamps his foot in frustration. The
|
|||
|
building quakes, and windows shatter. A mousepointer is jolted clear off
|
|||
|
one screen and lands on the desk with a sound like a winded lemming. On
|
|||
|
the other side of the globe, six million chinese people are bounced into
|
|||
|
orbit.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Just at that moment, in should walk Nick Hatton. Most people call him
|
|||
|
Nick, but his freinds call him Nik. Y`see, he doesn`t like the "S" sound
|
|||
|
in the middle, to rhyme with Disk. That`s the sort of person Nik knows.
|
|||
|
The really odd thing about him is the flight path ladder and gunsight
|
|||
|
etched on his specs. And the fact that he gets contrails off his knuckles.
|
|||
|
The current totally, utterly, unutterably odd thing about him is the fact
|
|||
|
that he`s covered with fine white plaster dust.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Steve, is there a problem?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: How did you know?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Well, Bob (The lekkytronical teach) just got brained by a lump of
|
|||
|
combo readybrek/ plaster, and everything`s covered in fine white dust
|
|||
|
downstairs, plus the fact that six million chinese people are now orbital
|
|||
|
sushi.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Ah. So that`s how you could tell. I`m having trouble with my C.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: What, does it keep stock still, and the beach washes up and down?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Everybody throws large, hefty objects at Bog, who ducks, allowing it all to
|
|||
|
hit The Kevin which just at that Most Opportune moment entered.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
THE KEVIN: Aaaaaaooooowwww. Ha ha ha. Good joke everybody!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Sadly, Kevin U. Palmer (The "U" standing for "Uuuuhhh....") is under the
|
|||
|
delusion that everyone likes him, and just pretends to want to kill him.
|
|||
|
However, if you swapped the operative words in the above sentence, (Like
|
|||
|
and Kill), you would arrive at the truth. Another home truth is that if
|
|||
|
you know The Kevin, you will already mentally have done this, and also
|
|||
|
substitude the word "Sadly" for the word "Hilariously".
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nik examines Steve`s sourcecode.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Oh, no wonder!!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: What is it?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: You`ve written this like we were taught to! That`s why it`s not
|
|||
|
working! If you just do the reverse of what Graham said, you`ll be
|
|||
|
allright!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Okie dokie, matey.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: (Aside to Camera): Now the real reason that Steve`s program doesn`t
|
|||
|
work, is because it was written on an IBM clone. If it had been written on
|
|||
|
an Amiga... YOW!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nik wipes the blood off of a suddenly- dented keyboard and carries on
|
|||
|
talking to Steve.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Dead simple. Just pretend that you know precicely nothing about C
|
|||
|
programming.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Uhhhhhhh.... OK.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Steve whips out his Big Silver Roar Gun and riddles the monitor and CPU
|
|||
|
box with hypothetical bullets/ rockets/ Lemmings squeaking "Fire" and
|
|||
|
napalm.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Perfect! It`ll work now!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Lo and behold, the screen goes blank, and a banana drawn in ANSI graphics
|
|||
|
appears.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Now, if you`d handdrawn that in DPaint 4 on an
|
|||
|
Amigaaaaaaghghghghghhh!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nik pulls a PosiDrive out from underneath Bog`s shoulderblade, wipes it on
|
|||
|
the carpet and reinserts it in his pocket. After some gasping, Bog manages
|
|||
|
to get himself upright in his seat.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: You`re just jealous.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
WHUMP! (Squidge)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Whhaaaaaaaargggghh! Ye BASTARD!!!!!!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Leaping from the chair, he takes Nik down in a tangle of mice, headphone
|
|||
|
cords, glasses, tape streamers and PCs. A cloud of dust obscures the
|
|||
|
proceedings until finally there is only one person left standing. And
|
|||
|
that`s Steve, who has been brassbanding "In The Mood" during the fight.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Goaaar, that was fun.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Can`t thank you enough, old man. Been moons since I`ve had a decent
|
|||
|
scrummage. Fookin` great.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Three minutes of sorting out glasses, headphones, cables, body parts and
|
|||
|
assorted fractures later, the twain retire for a relaxing fag and another
|
|||
|
enlivening round of personal insults. The sound of grunts, clangs and
|
|||
|
thudding body blows reaches us from outside.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Steve shakes his head sadly, and continues with his Banana Simulator
|
|||
|
program. All in all, a totally gnormal day at Henlej College. Must
|
|||
|
remember to change back from the Swedish kejmap. But, as our heros are
|
|||
|
soon to discover, even the ones I haven`t written in yet, today is not just
|
|||
|
your common- or- garden Collij day.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: (Pushing buttons) Oh, my god!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK & BOG (In Dolby B): What?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: We`ve got a new server, and nothing`s wrong with the Net.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Just as he speaks, The Kevin utters that Dread Phrase:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
THE KEVIN: Hey everybody, I`ve just done something really interesting!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NETWORK: Dwwwwwweeeeeaaaarrrrooooooouuuuuughhhhhhh, kerthunk.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
All the monitors darken. The lighting gets dimmer, and the temperature
|
|||
|
drops five kelvin, but then if you had an armload of kelvins and that
|
|||
|
happened, you`d probably drop some of them as well.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL EXCEPT THE KEVIN: !>ohshit<! (Hushed)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
THE KEVIN: Hey, wow, I didn`t expect THAT to happen!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL: (Still hushed) ?>what<?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
THE KEVIN: (EXTREMELY loudly) THE NETWORK`S CRASHED!!!!!!!!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL: (Relaxing), Oh is that all? (Etc) No quantum- level disturbances?
|
|||
|
No wars starting? Nobody faffing around with transmission (wince) lines?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
THE KEVOID: Naaahhhh don`t be silly. Nothing like that ever happens in
|
|||
|
real life!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Everyone suddenly goes silent, and looks toward the camera ominously,
|
|||
|
then to a big lighted panel on the computer room wall.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(---------------------)
|
|||
|
| |
|
|||
|
| D A F T C O N 5 |
|
|||
|
| |
|
|||
|
(---------------------)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
All wipe sweat off foreheads, and breath sighs of relief.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
PATINGGGG! The sign changs to:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(---------------------)
|
|||
|
| |
|
|||
|
| D A F T C O N 4 |
|
|||
|
| |
|
|||
|
(---------------------)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
And everybody starts acting nervously, looking over their shoulders, and
|
|||
|
under desks and thing looking for anything Out Of The Ordinary.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Maybe the sign`s broken?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: If the sign`s reading wrong, how do you explain it`s presence here
|
|||
|
any way? Did we always have a Sillyness State Indicator on the wall?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Uh, I can`t explain it. I just hope it`s wrong!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Twiddle dee dee.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
A ByStander looks worried.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nik notices this.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: (Reassuringly) Don`t worry: He`s always like this.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BYSTANDER: You mean that`s supposed to reassure me?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Good point.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BYSTANDER: OK. (Bystander points).
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Caution, all personnel: Daftcon State Four has just been justified.
|
|||
|
Daftcon State Four has just been justified. You can stop taking life too
|
|||
|
seriously, `cos you can bet your arse it`s stopped taking you that way.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: It generally takes me with a grain of salt.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Jammy sod, all I get is a glass of water!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL: G R O A N N N N N N!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
KNIGHT WHO SAYS NI: Ni!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nick Clayton enters, and everyone swings through 180 degrees and sticks
|
|||
|
their fingers down their throats. Disk crawl out of diskboxes and hide
|
|||
|
under keyboards, and a muffled gunshot from the SysOp`s office marks the
|
|||
|
fact that Alastair just can`t take any more. Ser Clayton is everybody`s
|
|||
|
favorite: The guy who can make anybody`s program his own baby, and always
|
|||
|
does. The progenator of the phrase "Vorsprung Durch ASCIIEditor, as we say
|
|||
|
in D132". He`s also known as The Great One, on account of being,
|
|||
|
essentially, a fat bast.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Serves Alastair right for taking me off the CP directory. I`ve
|
|||
|
wanted to do that for ages.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NICK: Awight? (Inner tube jowls slapping the sides of his head with the
|
|||
|
sound of two six- hundres- foot radius waterbombs willed with orange jelly
|
|||
|
impacting once every point- eight seconds)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: We were.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Sort of.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Oh fuck.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
THE KEV: Now I am.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
N/S/B: You fucking joking?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
THE KEV: Ah, well, you see, Nick here is the only one here who knows all
|
|||
|
the keyboard shortcuts to every windows application ever written.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Yeah, `cos he wrote `em all!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Last weekend.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: At four PM.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
S/N/B: I N G E R M A N ! ! ! !
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NICK: Dutch, actually.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nik, Steve and Bog collapse with laughter.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ADVERT TIME!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
A man and a woman are cudled up on a soft sofa in front of a lovely warm
|
|||
|
fire. Their lips draw near. Suddenly, the bloke burps, then pukes all
|
|||
|
down the gel`s cleavage. The legend
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
TREVOR`S BLADDER SALTS: FOR THOSE... DELICATE MOMENTS
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
appears.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Fade.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
There`s a youngish looking bloke sat in total darkness except for a
|
|||
|
glowing screenful of assembly language instructions. His eyes are
|
|||
|
strained, haggard and monitor- irradiated.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
VOICEOVER: Sometimes, you just feel as if you`re at the end of your
|
|||
|
tether. The deadline for the next scrap of code is ten hours away, failure
|
|||
|
means the end of your career, and you`re stuck. Total brain- lock. You
|
|||
|
don`t have a chance in hell of getting that substructure right. There`s
|
|||
|
only one solution.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The progger pulls a gun from his pocket, puts it to his temple, and blows
|
|||
|
the contents of his head all over the monitor.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
VOICOVER: Remington: When you just can`t take any more from life, our
|
|||
|
.22, .38 Special and .44 Magnum calibre cartridges won`t let you down.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Fade back to the SIX MEN AND A BANANA logo.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Craig is walking down the corridor leading from Norcot Centre to Lekky
|
|||
|
labs, and he has a syringe stuck behind his left ear. In one hand he holds
|
|||
|
six mars bars, and in the other a can of Coke and a pair of skis.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Freind Craig Bapty is an oddbod. This is the person who has become so
|
|||
|
attatched to the character he plays with during roleplaying games, that he
|
|||
|
has come to beleive that he DOES in fact have meshed skin and bone,
|
|||
|
cybernetic eyes, and a sodding great titanium alloy arm, with hidden rocket
|
|||
|
launchers. This makes taking the piss out of him great fun, `cos he whips
|
|||
|
his right arm up at you, chenches his fist, then yells "BUGGER!" then rams
|
|||
|
a screwdriver into it to find out what`s wrong. Sad....
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
As Craig approaches the doors at the end of the corridor, there is a
|
|||
|
muffled BLAM from behind him, somewhat reminiscent of an Iain- sized object
|
|||
|
suddenly displacing it`s volume in air. Craig turns.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: Bugger. Missed the lab again.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
As with most of the Henley College Crew so far, Iain is gnot gnormal.
|
|||
|
Iain is always... lurking. Lurking and plotting. Plotting and Scheming.
|
|||
|
Plus, that odd faculty of self- displacement through The Cirucits of Time,
|
|||
|
which he`s been doing much, much more of recently. (Ed: Check out
|
|||
|
Bill&Ted`s Henley College Adventure [C] 1992 Hippo Enterprises)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Craig simply looks baffled and continues down the corridor to the computer
|
|||
|
room. As he climbs the stairs, he hears another BLAM from above him. On
|
|||
|
entering the computer room, Iain is up to his knees in floor. Or the
|
|||
|
carpet is up to it`s eyeballs in Iain, depending on your point of view.
|
|||
|
Nobody has noticed this apart from Craig yet.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
CRAIG: Iain, what the fuck are you doing?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: Missing the bloody electronics lab again! I bet you anythign that
|
|||
|
any minute now, Bob`ll turn up with the carpet I displaced downstairs.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOB: Does anybody know how this bit of carpet appeared inside my Thermos?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: Told you so!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Craig holds his head in his hands, (Clatter, clatter, splooosh, and sound
|
|||
|
effects for six marsbars impacting on the floor which I haven`t cooked up
|
|||
|
yet.) and gibbers.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Steve, d`you reckon it`s worth walking up that bloody hill just to
|
|||
|
sit in tutor for five minutes and then spend forty minutes waiting for
|
|||
|
maths to start?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Uh, no.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Me either.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Both Bog and Steve turn back to their respective computers for exactly four
|
|||
|
point seven zero three nine six seconds, then turn with pricise
|
|||
|
simultaniousness to look at Iain drumming his fingers on the floor whilst
|
|||
|
standing vertically.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nik turns to ask Steve something, and notices that Steve isn`t interested
|
|||
|
in being asked anything at the moment, and sees what`s got his attention.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Oh, SHIT!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Even Nick Clayton is speechless.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: What?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Iain, Iain, Iain, you`re, like, part of the floor, dude!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: So I`m a lousy shot. So what? It`s perfectly normal to commune
|
|||
|
with carpets nowadays, you know!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Wooooahhhhh.....
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: How the HELL did you get there?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: I got distracted.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
CRAIG: Whine.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: If this is DAFTCON 4, I`d love to see DAFTCON 0.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Believe you me, you really, REALLY don`t want to.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: Whyever not?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: It`s disturbingly like being on TV.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
CRAIG: Do I want to know why that`s so terrible?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Ever seen the Twilight Zone?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Oh, SHIIIIIIT!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Even Iain is looking worried by now.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: But don`t worry. We`ve only got, what, two hours `till the buses
|
|||
|
come.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Gareth sticks his head around the corner, and Iain`s natural SEP field
|
|||
|
successfully deflects his attention.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
GARETH: Yeah, but then we have to wipe it off!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL: Baaa! Baaa! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
GARETH: Allright, allright, no need to get rude.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL: BULLSHIT!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
GARETH: Smartarses.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
*****BLAMMO!***** Iain dematerializes for exactly a small fraction of a
|
|||
|
something before reappearing two feet off the deck.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: Wah!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(Thud)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: One hour fifty seven minutes. Oh God, which sadistic bast made these
|
|||
|
units so big? Even a second`s a long time. Wankers. I know! There`s a
|
|||
|
cure for this one!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Oh, yeah!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK/ CRAIG/ IAIN: Oh, NO WAY!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Yes, way...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE&BOG: Some thing in life are bad. They can really make you
|
|||
|
mad...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
PTINNNNGGG!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(---------------------)
|
|||
|
| |
|
|||
|
| D A F T C O N 3 |
|
|||
|
| |
|
|||
|
(---------------------)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL: Oh, bugger.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Suddenly, Graham`s voice comes from the Office of the Tenders of The Lan.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
GRAHAM: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: <ouch>
|
|||
|
BOG: <Gnnn>
|
|||
|
STEVE: <Oooo>
|
|||
|
IAIN: <Yahh>
|
|||
|
CRAIG: <Mmph>
|
|||
|
GARETH: Can I have a go?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
N/B/S/I/C: Fu... uh... no. You can`t.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Only one thing for it, dudes. It`s starting to get silly. You know
|
|||
|
what that means.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Yeah. Nothing does what we expect it to do.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Right! So if we`re playing it at it`s own game...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Then this computer (If I can bring myself to call it that (sneer))
|
|||
|
expects me to use the mouse, then by simply doing something else...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: You outwierd it!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Craig pulls the syringe from behind his ear, and shoves it into his arm
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
CRAIG: God, I wish I had something stronger than Insulin on me...(Squirt)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Reet.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
He grabs the mouse, which starts squeaking, and attempting to drive his
|
|||
|
hand crackingly into the CPU box. Sussing it`s game, he grips it, hoys it
|
|||
|
three feet it the air, and, an expert eater, catches it in his gob.
|
|||
|
Krrrunch.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Guuuuumph.... bruuuuuuuup. Hmmm. Needs oregano.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Steve, Iain, Craig and Nik start chewing simultaneously and agree all at
|
|||
|
the same time. They look at one another.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NICK: Oh my God, they`ve gone mad.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
As The Claytoid passes by a diskbox, it`s contents start rippling out of it
|
|||
|
and onto the floor in a pretty fanspread relational to tidal gravity from
|
|||
|
his paunch.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Bloody hell. Not satisfied with taking other people`s code, he`s
|
|||
|
ripped off my bloody gravity flux as well!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Well, at least now it doesn`t seem like we`re looking at you through
|
|||
|
fisheye lenses anymore.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: How`s that?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Well, now photons should warp around him any longer.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Bugg... uh.. no, I mean...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The ICL that Stevey Babes is sat at suddenly... phases. The banana
|
|||
|
disappears to be replaced with a cabbage flashing red and purple.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Aaawwwww, SHIT!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
At this point, Dan "Pastie" Powell walks in, and seeing as I can't think
|
|||
|
of anything for him to do right now, he just leans against a wall for a
|
|||
|
bit. While he's doing that, I'll tell you about him.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Dan is marked by the fact that he's the only person in creation to have an
|
|||
|
alien lifeform living in perfect simbiosys with him. The creature's real
|
|||
|
name is totally unpronouncable, so everybody just calls it by it's function
|
|||
|
in life :- "Hair". The other remarkable thing is, he's the only person in
|
|||
|
the Team who's room is always tidy: The reason for this phenomenon is
|
|||
|
simple: Dan uses pasties for energy. Hair uses the rubbish on Dan's floor
|
|||
|
for energy by grazing whilst he sleeps.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Craig has finished logging in, but is confused by the Henley Kollidge login
|
|||
|
screen`s replacement by a glowing red orb. He hits the break key.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
HAL: I`m sorry, Craig, but I can`t allow you to do that.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Craig looks overhis shoulder at everyone else.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
CRAIG: Can somebody tell me what the HELL is going on here?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: I`m afraid IT`s happening again, Craig.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
CRAIG: No, not... THAT.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Yes. We`re re- entering...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ALL: THE A LITTLE AFTER LUNCHTIME ZONE!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Soundtrack: nee nee nee nee, nee nee nee nee, nee nee nee nee, nee nee nee
|
|||
|
nee!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
HAL: Craig, why don`t you take an anti- stress pill and we`ll discuss
|
|||
|
this. After all, I have the utmost enthusiasm for the mission.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Hmm. We appear to have had a fragment of 2001, a Spaced Odyssey,
|
|||
|
penetrate our personal reality- space.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Can you justify calling THIS reality?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IAIN: Ever seen inside an Amiga?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
NIK: Oh, yeah.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Shurrup. (Sulk).
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: Actually, guys, this is a bit of a change! We`re staying where we
|
|||
|
were this time, and everythings coming to us!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Cue backdrop fade out to inky black space, pierced at intervals by stars
|
|||
|
scattered like diamond dust on jet- black velvet, then to a clinically
|
|||
|
white room: the monitor with the glowing red orb has been
|
|||
|
transdimensionally replaced with a dull red scanner eye and a seventies-
|
|||
|
like Bolton- ferbruary- day- grey console with the nameplate "H.A.L.
|
|||
|
9000". We just have enough time to hear our heros` jaws hit the ground
|
|||
|
before it`s time for the credits.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IN NEXT WEEK`S SIX MEN AND A BANANA...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-----
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
STEVE: OK. It seems that Iain here has turned reality into swiss cheese.
|
|||
|
We just happened to randomly pop up on the Discovery, just before Frank
|
|||
|
Poole gets killed by Hal...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
DAVE: Whaaaat?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
HAL: Oh, bugger. Er, it was just going to be a joke, Dave...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-----
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
DAN: Need a hand?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Thanks.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(POP) Bog pockets Dan`s left hand.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
DAN: Oi! Give that back!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOG: Soz. (Skwudge)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-----
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
HAL: I`ve got some people trying to take control of the Discovery. They
|
|||
|
want to destroy my mind.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
KILLEMALL: Will three Mark IIX assault droids and a disruptor unit do?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
HEL: That should be perfectly adequate.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
KILLEMALL: I`m despatching them now. They should arrive in a couple of...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-----
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
That last part has been removed on the grounds of maintaining suspense.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Fade.
|
|||
|
|