176 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
176 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
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Anarchy inc. ...(P)resents...
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-^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^-
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LUB-DUBBS -- The Magic of Molesting, Infesting, and Making a Mess
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-^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^-
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bY a mOdEM UseR Of aNaRChy iNc.
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CHAPTER I: Life in Genital
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"Excuse me, but I'm feeling a little behind today... Who's little behind, I
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still can't tell." -God Only Knows
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What do YOU think about Communism? It is closely related to the Smurfs, Baby
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Fae, or grapefruit? Of course not. Yet we in America treat it that way. It's
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bad, it doesn't affect us, and that it's Pinko yet Red. Isn't that our skin
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color? (Well, maybe not YOUR skin color, but nevertheless..) We must face the
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music, my friends. We must realize that this text-file is not about Communism.
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CHAPTER II: The Truth About Jell-O
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"I'm not schitzophrenic, and neither am I." -Ourself
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Jell-O is the food of Satan! This "dessert," as they call it, is probably the
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most obvious form of Satan's kinky mind-bending tricks. See how it jiggles?
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And they actually serve that stuff at CHURCH PICNICS! With this in mind, will
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it be easy to see Rev. Jerry Falwell as a "religious fanatic" or one of Satan's
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personal minions? Whichever side he may be on, he sure isn't up to any good,
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and I say we give him a barber-shop pole enema. Anybody that fat, that jolly,
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and that much of a hero to President Reagan should be mooned by half of America
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within the next century, and worshipped by the Other Half. (The Screwed-Up
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Half. The Half that consists of everybody over 52 years of age.) And his hair
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is fake, yet he Poo-poohs all ideas of "non-genuineness" and such. Now, what
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was this about Jell-O? That's just plain silly.
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CHAPTER III: The Swelling of Stomachs
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"My Goldfish Beats Ron" -An Angry Voter
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Whether of not it hurts our stomachs, people choose to eat at McDonalds with
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their friends than eat at a fancy French restaurant alone. Why is this? Is all
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that "Dude! You're my Buddy!" nonsense for real, or just something to say when
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one doesn't have anything else to say? Well...Well... I think it means...
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Uh... Dude! You're my Buddy! (Get the point?)
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Now the world is faced with the threat of Portable Pepto, so that everybody,
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no matter where they are, can feel better by chewing on a petit pink peppermint
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pill. And the ones that were feeling fine in the first place get nauseated to a
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point of vomiting when smelling this "Pain-reliever". It makes no difference
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how many pizzas they ate, or how many times they rode on the roller-coaster with
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a full stomach. Stomach pangs (Pang! Pang! Poof!) hurt and are aggravating ,
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and the smell of Pepto combined with hunger pangs can drive an ordinary man to
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the point of genocide.
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CHAPTER IV: Just Plain Nuts
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"I ain't 'fraid of no Prohibitionists." -Ray Parker SR.
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In the sixties, everybody under the age of 30 was considered to be a freak,
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because they wore weird clothes, had long hair, and smoked things in skinny
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cigarettes. Nowadays, you are considered a freak if you do these things, but
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you're also thought of as abnormal if you don't wear shoes to dinner, if you
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don't think Pee-Wee Herman is funny, and if you honestly believe that Mtv is
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just Top 40 radio that annoys your eyes as well as your ears. Conservatism is
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coming back, as is Conformity, and it's a bit scary. Wait -- My friend says
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that Conformity isn't scary, so I guess he's right. I'll go along with him.
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CHAPTER V: Superficial Stuff
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"Uhhh.....Well, I..... That is....." -George Bush
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Is clothing superficial? Are faces superficial? Is this file superficial? I
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can't tell, because this was just a superficial chapter so I could have a
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chapter V. Go superficialize yourself.
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CHAPTER VI: I Love the World and I Love Fish
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"Ducky D, I am going to kill you." -Mother D
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Whether or not Nostradamus (The dead French guy who smoked weird things and
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thought he could tell the future from it) is right about Halley's comet drying
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up all the world's oceans, killing all the fish, and forcing man to consume
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other men, is not important. How can fish be called brain food, when fish have
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no brains? Still, fishies are fun to watch. So go buy a fish, watch it, and
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eat it right away. Then you will be smart and write your own file. Then =I=
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can complain about =YOUR= text-files. Then you will tell me to eat fish.
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Then... (This is getting so confusing that I'm not sure whether or not I'm
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actually writing this. Call Mrs. Paul and get me some fish sticks, and HURRY!)
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CHAPTER VII: Feh and All of that Yiddish Stuff
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"Ven I vash a boy, my great great grandfadder told me 'Irving' he shez,
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'Shut Up.'" -Kosher Irving
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Are the Jews the chosen race? I don't know, because I'm not Jewish. Yet I
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still wonder just why they don't eat pork! I mean, it's not that bad.. Sure,
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the pigs wallow around in the mud all day, but they're cleaned! That's just
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silly. Any Yiddish person out there that disagrees with me -- Go suck a hot
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dog. And the Star of David -- That's just funny looking! I mean, it's like two
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locked triangles and.. This chapter isn't worth anything. (No offense to
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Judaism as it is, just that I never took "Jewish 101" or Bar Mitzvah courses or
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anything. My, this file is offensive.)
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CHAPTER VIII: Ed and Eight and All That Is Round
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"Help me! I'm melllltinnnnnggg......" -The Wicked Witch of the West
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Just as some people in Islam curse some and bless others, there is "Ed" in the
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North, and "Ned" in the anal stretch. "Ned" is a conjunction for "Not Ed" and
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is used to describe anybody that faintly resembles jock-itch fungus. Ed is
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round is eight is round is buff is round is Not Not Ed is round. And for a
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personal note: I LUST FOR ED MERTENS.
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But seriously, certain things resemble 8. A figure 8, for example? You know,
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remember Dorothy Hamill with the weird hair? China had 8 Immortals, and so did
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a Chinese restaurant. 8 * 11 is 88, but that doesn't make a whole lot of
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sense.. But of course it does! (Unless you're in Calculus where nothing is
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supposed to make sense, even if it does) And the most important thing: 8 is
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roundness. Think about it next time people say you've been "8-balled".. They
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are just saying that you are rotund, and are humbly suggesting that you lose
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weight.
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CHAPTER IX: Prose
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"There once was a man from Nantucket..." -Unfinished Folk Tale
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For you poetry buffs who find this file a bit crude, here is some arty stuff
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for you to live off of:
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Molest a little kitten
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Molest a little hen
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Molest "em till they're black and blue
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Then molest 'em all over again.
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Dead Ethiopians
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Not an ounce of meat
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Truck had engine failure
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So they couldn't get their wheat.
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And those were just a few fine examples of tasteful American literature.
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CHAPTER X: With a Quack Quack Here..
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"Hey! What happened to my fan club?" -Fabian
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Well, all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, some purile things
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must also come to an end. So ends this masterpiece. I can only hope that I have
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enlightened not less than all of you, and have opened your minds... (I'll wager
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I opened them at least 5-6 inches. That explains the smell) So, goodbye.
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-^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^---^/\^^-
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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