108 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
108 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
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Anarchy inc. ...proudly presents...
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How To Have Fun In K-Mart!!
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A combination of volumes 1 & 2
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Written By: The Daredevil, of Anarchy inc.
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Well, first off, one must realise the importance of K-Marts in society today.
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First off, K-Marts provide things cheaper to those who can't afford to shop at
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higher quality stores. Although, all I ever see in there is minorities and
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Senior Citizens, and the poor people in our city. Personally, I wouldn't be
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caught dead in there. But, once, I did.
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You see, once, after The Moon Roach and Havoc Chaos(Dear friends of mine) and
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I were exploring such fun things as rooftops, we came along a K-Mart. Amused,
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and cold for that matter, we wandered in. The Tension mounts.
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As we walked up to the entrance, we were nearly attacked by Youth Groups
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selling cheap cookies, and wheelchair sticken people selling American Flags.
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After laughing at these people, we entered.
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This is where the real fun begins...
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First off, we wandered around the store, and turned on all the blue lights we
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could find. That really distracts and confuses the attendents...Fun to do...
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The first neat thing, is to go to the section of the store where they sell
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computers. Darkness engulf the earth the day they find Apple Computers being
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sold there. Instead, lesser computers like the laughable Vic-20 can be found
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there...Turn it on, and make sure nobody's looking...Then, once in Basic,
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type...
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]10 PRINT "Fuck the world! Anarchy Rules!"
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(or something to that effect.)
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]20 GOTO 10
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and walk away.
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Also, set the sample radios in the store to a santanic rock station, and turn
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the radio off. Then, set the alarm for two minutes ahead of the time displayed
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there. Turn the volume up all the way, and walk away. After about two
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minutes, you will see the clerk feebly attempt to turn the radio down or off.
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It's really neat to set ten or more radios to different stations, and walk
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away.
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One of my favorite things to do, is to get onto the intercom system of the
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store. Easier typed then done. First, check out the garden department. You
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say there's no attendent there? Good. Sneak carefully over to the phone
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behind the cheap counter there, and pick it up. Dial the number corrisponding
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to the item that says 'PAGE'... And talk. You will note that your voice will
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echo all over the bowels of K-Mart.
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I would suggest announcing something on the lines of:"Captain Stubeing to the
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Bridge, Captain Stubeing." or "Attention K-Mart Shoppers: Eat Shit and Die" or
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any other cute phrase that your taxed mind can come up with.
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Ah, but what if there is an attendant in the garden section...Probally an
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illegal alien. Try sneaking into the back room. There's bound to be a phone
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back there somewhere.
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The thing is, try not to get kicked out of K-Mart, as the Moon Roach has had
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happen to him before. I won't EVEN mention which famous BBS personallity was
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nailed for shop- lifting from K-Mart. He/She'll kill me.
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One other fun thing to do in K-Mart is to find the dressing room,
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small and insufficient for normal means(about one cubic foot wide...), and
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enter with as many people as you can find. Begin making several obscene
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noises and grunts at quite a loud level. This should attract the attention
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of several employees, and after a short period of time, will usually send
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an unwitting attendant to see what the source of the problem is.
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These attendants were not hired for their intellectual capacity, and at least
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in my experiece, they have this habit of opening the wrong door. This
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usually shocks the customers and embarrasses the employees.
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After this exciting little jaunt, try re-arranging the coats and the hats on
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the racks. See how long it takes for the low-bred customers to notice the
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change. The average time is usually four to six weeks.
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Another exciting activity is to find the back room and remove all the tags
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and the recipts from the boxes therein. The seedy and yet obscene messages are
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optional. This not only confuses the managers, but will usually leave the
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people in charge in the store wondering if certain items such as a chair, are
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not accually 'Mr. T Watersprinklers' as the label on the box implies.
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Now, I would like to thank Teeny Bopper and Havoc The Chaos for bringing to
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me a genuine "K-Mart Luncheon Menu"! Oh yea. My god, even their paper cups
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have 'K-MART' on them. I'm supprised they don't say 'MC DONALDS' or something.
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I've never seen recycled food before.
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Well, I'm going to get back to the garden center and type about it for a
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minute. The garden center can be great fun(see K-Mart:Part I in last month's
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collumn) whether you're slashing the bags of fertizilier, graffiti-ing on the
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potted plants, or stealing those plastic flamingos by handing them out to
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friends through the gates, it's all the same now. Fun!
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Getting on the roof of K-Mart is quite a hard task. I've yet to try it
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myself though. I'd like E-Mail from the first 100 people who successfully get
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on the roof of K-Mart, please?
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Ah well, The Moon Roach & I are without ideas, so, without further adieu, we
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will end this highly entertaining text-file...
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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