textfiles/fun/couch

How To Be A Couch Potato In The Nineties
by Francis U. Kaltenbaugh

Do you want to be with the technically-correct in-crowd, who have
already prepared for television in the nineties?  You better hurry to
obtain a few needed essentials.  Your old television, operating in
the background, even with its stereo speakers, single remote 
controlling your vcr, cable box, and TV, is passe.  There is a new
age dawning in the art of television watching; it is -- Interactive
Viewing.  You too can be a part of this new Couch Potato mentality by
following a few simple rules.  Do not get left behind!  Follow the
simple suggestions that follow: 

    o You must purchase a 35-inch screen television (bare minimum);
bigger is better here. Or your neighbors will tease you, "Nah-na!
Mine is bigger than yours."  You need: quad stereo speakers, split- 
screen(s), built-in voice activated VCR programing, self-timers, a
minimum of 300 cable ready channels and the largest screen your
wallet can handle.  Then, with the addition of a CD-ROM, you are
ready to interact properly with your computer aided TV. 

    o Purchase a fully automated satellite dish that includes the
proverbial black-box, which unscrambles virtually all channels.  This
will dissuade those channel hoppers, who always lay hands on the
remote before you do.  Since they will have to browse about 300
channels, after their first time through, they will realize -- three
hours later -- they missed the show they intended to watch before the
commercials started.

    o Have someone install the above. You must realize your time is
too precious to waste on menial labor tasks, when instead, you could
be watching/interacting with your TV.

    o Test your couch; is it large enough to serve as a bed, and
dining room table, while still allowing room for you, and selected
friends and family to lounge comfortably?  If not, replace it
immediately.  You must be comfortable to interact well. 

    o Stock your refrigerator, freezer, and pantries with easy to
prepare (microwave) and ready-to-eat foods and snacks.  The closer
your snacks are to the TV/CD-ROM, the more quickly you will be able
to interact with your system.

    o If you don't have someone to serve you, it may be a good idea
to make arrangements for this contingency.  Or be adventurous, do it
yourself, but also get a monitor for the kitchen. It's always best to
carry your remote with you wherever you go.  Don't settle for those
puny laser-light activated remotes (line-of-sight only), get one that
will penetrate walls.  Always be in charge during your interactions. 
      Just because you are in the third floor bathroom, that's no 
reason why you shouldn't be able to continue interacting with that
Soap Opera in the downstairs living room -- simply crank up the
volume to a comfortable sound level for yourself.  Besides, while
you're gone you don't want someone channel surfing in your absence.
    
    o After all the above steps are completed, get fired from your
job, draw unemployment and food stamps. Then grab snacks and drinks,
sit down and RELAX!  Enjoy your remote controlled interactive  
environment.  You can really interact now, much like you used to 
when working, only differently.

Spare no expense and be a part of the new breed of Couch Potato, or
"THEY" will pass you by.  Or you could really get RADICAL and read
Electronic Books and Magazines -- I hear it's the rage among all the
Nerds. 
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Francis U. Kaltenbaugh is a 40 something computer enthusiast, who
enjoys video stimulations. Two children keep things interesting, one
an 18 year-old Marine, and a ten year-old girl, whose only response
is, "Why?"  Francis, who has two books in progress and articles out
everywhere, feels fiction is a mainstay of life  -- for everyone.
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    God is Dead.         - Nietzsche

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